Wednesday, 31 August 2011

NANNY SHE CALLS ME


They say I am a bad Mother and my husband blames me for not being a good wife. Had he not been a drunkard and had he been working, my kids would have got what the other mothers gave their kids. ‘BEING THERE WHEN YOUR CHILD NEEDS YOU' that's what they call it. I am the mother of 4 little kids; the eldest is an 11 yr old boy. They all are in Kerala because that is where I belong.

 I am in Bahrain taking care of a little girl who just turned 6. Her Mother is jealous of me because her daughter loves me more. I try to see my babies in her almond eyes but how much ever I try, I miss my little ones a lot. I try to forget my pain by taking care of the angel all day long and sending the money I earn, each and every penny of it back home. I just hope my alcoholic beast of a husband hasn't been drinking it down his throat. Last I heard, my eldest was upset because he was not able to participate in the inter school marathon due to lack of proper shoes. I hope he bought a nice pair with the last month's salary I sent home. I hope.

Yes I am a Nanny and a very good one too. I love the kid I look after like my own child but that is only because the Mother in me cries for the one sight of her children. I want to go home but the fear that my youngest one might not even recognize his mother holds me back. So I send the money home and pray that someday they would forgive me.

P.S- I got no phone coverage but i managed to get Net!! Hence, was able to blog.A real small piece though!
Image Courtesy- jobs.justlanded.com

Friday, 26 August 2011

LETS TALK ABOUT SEX !!



Sex has always been an uncomfortable topic to be discussed, especially in India. Offcourse you joke about it or sometimes seriously chat about with your close friends but what about having a talk about 'THE' subject with your family. Do not mistake me to be the one who is craving to discuss her sexual fantasy or desires with her grandmother. All I mean to point out is the comfort level we have when the word SEX comes up between the normal everyday conversations with our family.

I belong to a very conservative family. In India you don’t expect sexual education from your parents, like ever! I thought I had cancer when I went through the whole coming out of the cocoon and becoming a butterfly phase of life. See I am still not comfortable talking about it. Ok I am talking about PERIODS. Chuck that shit! Men should have that.

The reason I am saying this is because I have a younger brother and we share the age gap of 8 years. As we were growing up he came up with many amusing doubts regarding the whole human anatomy and the less talked about area and frankly speaking I have never given him the truth.

Me- It is your 10th birthday, what birthday present do you want?
Lil bro- Umm, vichi! I want a whishpur. Our Miss wants us to use fountain pen and whenever I use it, it stains my hand and my white shirt. I have seen in the TV that whishpur takes all the ink. I want it.
Me- Shuttup! That is not for that.
………………………………………

Lil Bro- Our Biology teacher told us that one Sperm meets one Egg and baby is born. How do they meet?
Me- I have to go take a bath.
………………………………………
Lil Bro (Age 11)- I found out what is whishpur for. Amma told me!
Me- Really? What did she tell?
Lil Bro- She told me it is for the elders with loose motion.
……………………………………….
While watching an English movie with my brother, a making out scene comes up. Being uncomfortable, I fast forwarded it.

Lil Bro (Age 14)- Hello! I come for Boys School, I know what all is happening. Don’t think I am na├»ve and don’t even say that whisper is for elders with diarrhea.

So, my brother is growing up and has clearly stopped asking those innocent questions. Last time I dialled my home number to talk to him, somebody with a very low baritone voice picked up. Since there were always troubles with the connection which lead to the call getting connected with someone totally random, I thought this time too it happened and I cut the call. My mother called me back and only then did I find out that the person with the baritone was my brother, who is currently undergoing a voice makeover.

This one time, a friend of mine wanted to know what the whole hype about Porn is. So I asked her to check it out online. I did not hear anything from her for the next half an hour and thus, perplexed I asked her what she was upto. She sadly said ‘I am not able to find anything’. I took the laptop from her and found out that she had typed PORN as PRAWN and was staring at the image of PRAWN PICKLE.

P.S- I wore Kerala Saree today! Ok I confess, there was donkey work of 3 chicks behind my perfectly worn saree. But I wore it!!! Also I am going on a mini vacation AGAIN starting this 29th till September 11th. So my blog is on leave :D

Image Courtesy- tntpages.com

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

The Funny Professor



We have this Professor who is a bit loose. By 'Loose' I mean a bit ‘mentally kicked’. A strong disciple of Mahatma Gandhi, he refuses to talk about anything else other than the topic Gandhi and his Dandi March. Apart from this known topic, he also discusses about his wife, his daughter who according to him chats with random guys online and other such important stuffs. Now I tell you why I think he is a bit loose.

I am not a cheater cock or hen, whatever you call it to be. Back in school, I was the nerdy type who never peeped into her neighbour’s notebook nor did I let them peep. Yeh! I was cranky like that. Then college began and it spoiled me, but you can’t ever find me complaining. In the second year, a classmate from Bihar found this new method of cheating during internals. Our internal answer sheets were just plain sheets of paper which you get in the college office room. So, this guy would go to the office room and take some papers on the pretext of writing notes, application letters etc. Our ‘loose’ professor had the habit of accidentally telling the question in advance. So, this guy would take those plain papers home and would write down the perfect answer and the next day he would just slip in that paper as the answer sheet. Do note that it is only an internal exam where there is no proper seating arrangement and this dude has been pretending to write the exam while sandwiching the already written answer between his buttocks and the chair. His mission was accomplished and he scored shooting stars!!

So we the rest of the crowd, became what you call the followers. I had already been hypnotized by the college wind and decided to do what makes me look cool and less nerdy. In the second internal, I too wrote the answer a day before and at the time of exam, kept it under the real sheet on which the answer was actually meant to be written. I never knew that the wind God was conspiring against me that day. The wind blew hard and for 3 seconds exposed the already written sheet, which was hidden under the paper I was pretending to write on. Next thing I know is the Professor taking the sheet, looking at me in disbelief and asking me to get out of the class. Because of me getting caught, the rest 57 students couldn’t copy for that one internal.

As soon as the exam was over, I went to him personally and apologized. The conversation went something like this.

Me- Sir, Sorry! I will not repeat it!
Saar- Forget that! Nice Handwriting you have. Who do you look like?
Me- Sir, I used to look like my Father when I was a child but now they say I resemble my mother.
Saar- You know my wife says my daughter is as Handsome as me.
Me- Oh nice! Sir, about my internal answer sheet, please do allow me to write it again.
Saar- No need, this one will do.
Me- You mean to say that I do not have to write again?
Saar- No no! So last year I had CHIKUNGUNYA and I had to take leave from a month because I could not wear pants. You see, I cannot come to college without pants. I wish they allowed Lungi.

The result was declared the following week. I got an ‘A’ for that controversial paper. So you know why I call him a bit loose. Or maybe I am just lucky! Whatever the reason is, he is a very innocent man with a very pure soul. 

Image Courtesy- picable.com.
                          The image has been edited to include the actual line by the Professor.

Saturday, 20 August 2011

THE THING ABOUT BUS DRIVERS


So I must say this and I am saying this with authority “The heads of all major Universities are Mantally- the-sick!”. Why else would they ever come to the conclusion that having the location of their esteemed University 32 km from the main city makes it sound cool and important?” My Dear Vice Chancellor, you are a Pathetic Pig. Yes you are! While you can travel wherever you want in your AC Volkswagen Vento, driven around by your 24*7 balls scratching chauffeur, we the students have to travel for one hour and thirty minutes to reach the God forsaken place. You should worry Mister! I tell you why. If I kill you, cut you into 64 lil pieces and throw you in the forest stretch around the campus, not even a dog could smell it out.

Anyways, I have always had these never ending relationships with Bus Drivers and Bus conductors. While girls dream about a hot looking Mr Perfect calling them up and kicking them off their anorexic feet, I have been haunted by these calls from Bus Conductors and Drivers to such an extent that I had to change my Number.

Our campus shifted and we had no idea how to get ourselves transported to the new alien land. As we stood clueless in the bus stand, a bus with the name ‘V1’ came and a FOM asks the driver if this goes to the place were our campus happens to be and yes we were lucky. I guess he had never been spoken to by a girl and maybe that’s why he turned all red and started smiling like a stupid ass. The next day, he even made an Aunty move from the side seat, just so that we could get seated on the plastic bench near the driver seat and the engine area. As days passed he even got a haircut, got the bulgan a.k.a the French beard, started wearing Fake Rolex silver watch, Bathroom slippers were replaced by crocodile shoes and his new cheap musk perfume made my brain numb. This one time he even stopped the bus 100 mts away from the bus stand when he saw us running towards it. Apparently we were late and thankful to him, but stopping a public KSRTC bus for a bunch of late-lateefs clad in white uniform? You have got to be kidding me!

Songs like ‘Truly Madly Deeply’ are played in the bus in the afternoon return session. He even asked us if we could fill his KINGSTON pendrive with the songs of our choice, so that he could play them. This is a public bus and we occupy a mere 2% of the crowd!

Maybe he is just being good and maybe he is just plain innocent. But for us he is just CRAJEE and WEIRD!

P.S- No! the guy in the image is not our Driver. Dint you notice the missing Bulgan? FOM- Friend Of Mine.

Image Courtesy- arunrajagopal.com

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

I Forgot The National Anthem



I am a proud Indian but that does not stop me from forgetting a few words here and there of our National Anthem. When was the last time I got up early on an Independence Day just to watch the hoisting of our National Flag? I guess it has been 6 yrs since I last attended the ceremony and that too only because my school made it a ‘COMPULSORY ATTENDANCE’ day.

Today, I was enjoying some cuddled up time with my possessive bed when my room mate gave me a butt kick and told that we got to attend the tricolor hoisting ceremony in our hostel. I looked at her as if she had just committed a horrendous crime by waking me up for this reason. I was going to doze of again when she brought up the topic of free Laddoo and Toffees for those who attend it. The foodie in me got up without a fuss, brushed after a severe conscience prick and then dragged myself to the terrace where it would be taking place.

The Flag was hoisted and only 10 people out of the total strength of 300 girls were actually present and I guess we all were there for the Laddoos. Fine! Atleast I was there for that purpose. After the flag hoisting thing was done with, we were asked to sing the National Anthem. Everyone started singing and I had to join in too. The only thing running inside my head was ‘What was the next word?’ or ‘Am I pronouncing it all wrong?’ or better still ‘Damn! I don’t want them to hear in case I sing it all wrong’. But thanks to the 9 others who sang with me, I did not make any mistake. Phew! Mission Accomplished. The Laddoo now rests in my tummy along with 2 Coffee Bites.

I BLAME-

1)      The Theatres of Kerala- Unlike Mumbai and some other places where it is mandatory to sing the National Anthem before or after the movie, in Kerala there is no such need. You come, watch the movie and get the hell out of there. So they are to be blamed.
2)      My College- In School there used to be the infamous Morning Assembly. We all would arrange ourselves Height wise and sing the National Anthem. College offers nothing of this sort. Not that I want them to start a morning Assembly. I am just playing the Blame Game right now.
3)      Myself- For being lazy enough to never wake up and give tribute to our Nation and be present when the breeze proudly waves the Tricolor high in the air. I blame myself for attending it today just for the Laddoos and Toffees. I blame myself for being Lame.

On a lighter note, I feel good that I was present there today and also because i am anyday better than this kid :P




Tuesday, 9 August 2011

ABOUT MOTHERS AND MOBILES.


A-    Do you have a guy as your friend?  
B-    Do you have a boyfriend?
C-    If the answer for either A or B is a ‘YES’, then do you stay with your Mom?

If the answer for Question C is a ‘Yes’ too, then kindly keep a check on your phone. Don’t give me the excuse that your Mother will never infringe your privacy or encroach upon your personal space.  If she is a mother and you happen to be her unmarried daughter, she WILL CHECK YOUR INBOX, either today or tomorrow. To spice it up a bit more, things become easier for your Mother, if you have a little Mr Spy as your brother.

I am states away from Home, but vacations come now and then. Two years back I had decided not to spend my vacations interning and went home. Since I had no secrets and no boyfriend then, there was no reason for me to be that possessive about my mobile. I left it at home and went to meet my friends. On returning, I went straight to my room and switched on the TV, while my brother was kept busy by his pathetic video-games. My mother who was dutifully folding clothes in the other room started talking to me in a high pitched voice. The conversation went something like this-

Amma- You know you should never lie to your Amma.
Me-       Eh? What? What is for dinner today?
Amma- Always food food. I said never lie to your Amma.
Me-      Yeh ok! I feel like having Maggi
Amma- The truth comes out sooner or later.
Me-       Yeh ok! Did you see Dolly Bindra on Big Boss? Such a Behenjee
Amma- You should never lie to your Amma.
Me-       Ok! This is the third time you are saying this!
Amma- Don’t lie to your Amma.
Me-      What? Varun do you have any idea what Amma is talking about?

(VARUN= Little brother Mr spy)

Mr Spy- No! I know nothing.
AmmaNever lie to your Amma.
Me-        Amma stop it okie. I have no idea what you are talking about.
Amma-  You don’t? Stop hiding.
Me-       What is happening here? Hiding? Me? What?
Mr Spy- Oh! I just remembered. When you had gone out, your phone vibrated. I saw that you got a message from your friend. I thought he has something important to say, which is very urgent. So I opened it and gave it to Amma.
Me-       First of all I have told you to NEVER EVER touch my phone. Secondly, what was the message?
Amma-   A guy sent you a message begging you to send a photo of yours in a Saree to him. Why does he want a photo of yours? Why in Saree he wants to see you? Who is he?
Me-       What?

I somehow manage to take my phone and read the message. The message was from my Bestfriend who happens to be a guy and the message went something like this-

HAHAHA..Poor you. Why don’t you wear a Saree and scare everyone? Send me a photo of it too if you do, so that I can enjoy the ghastly beauty.”

Everything came back to me. I remember having a conversation with him about being forced to attend a marriage function of some far off relative. I had told him that I don’t have anything good to wear for the occasion, and this message by him was a reply to the fuss I was making.

I went to Amma and tried to make her understand the real situation but she still stuck to her “Ok! Hmmm! Never lie to your Amma and never let a guy friend get close to you”

Now she always suspects me and I always keep my phone under my watchful eyes whenever I am home. A father never interferes unless the mother approaches him with the petition.

Three more months left for my next visit home.

P.S- Stumbled upon this photo on a friend’s Facebook Wall. 



An Important notice to all those residing in and around Cochin- This is big news for all the Party Animals. The Electronic God of India DJ VACHAN would be playing at RAMADA RESORTS a.k.a CLUB QUBE this Saturday from 9pm till late. Catch you all RED HANDED there. For more details check out the Facebook Page.CLICK HERE

Friday, 5 August 2011

CAUGHT RED HANDED

Welcome to the Friday episode of the infamous "Caught Red Handed" news bulletin. Our special correspondent Miss Anuglyhead, has given us five breaking news which will shake the starry world of celebs and total fakeness. Without further adieu we direct you to our special correspondent. Miss Anuglyhead, the show is all yours now.

Ladies and Gentlemen, today I Miss.Anuglyhead is proud to bring to your notice five devastatingly tragicomic news from the world of Glam and Shame. If you do not believe me or the sources or the images, then kindly revert back to us with your own hypothesis, to which we may or may not serve you with an explanation.

Our top news for today is that BEYONCE IS COLORBLIND. Did anyone watch the singing sensation perform at the Macy's 4th of July Fireworks? The concert took place on Liberty Island and looked more spectacular against the backdrop of the Statue of Liberty. Beyonce went all Patriotic by performing ' GOD BLESS THE USA'  in front of a gigantic crowd. What caught my eyes was her attire for the concert. She wore a strapless floor length black gown and red and white necklace for her 2 song performance. Was she going for a funeral or the Fourth of July? And are the colors of the American flag RED, WHITE and BLACK? No Beyonce Darling, it is RED, WHITE, and BLUE. There is only one reasonable explanation for this happening and that is the poor lady is COLORBLIND.


The next breaking news is that PARIS HILTON WANTS TO BE THE PRESIDENT OF USA. The musical disaster is planning to run for the post of President. She is deeply unsatisfied with the state of the STATUE OF LIBERTY and promises her voters that she will make the Statue go all PINK and directs its makers to give it a BOOB JOB. But she lost the sentiments of many prospective voters, after she used the American Flag to wipe off the poop of her CHIHUAHUA.


Next up, BRITNEY SPEARS SUES A 12YR OLD KID for calling her a 'bad rash who refuses to go away'. In his defense the kid made the Hon'ble Judge hear the back to blond's not so new album ' HOLD IT AGAINST ME' after which the Judge decided that Miss Britney has to buy the kid a PS3. He also directed her to take dance and publicity stunt lessons from LADY GAGA.


LADY GAGA IS A SCIENTIST. In an interview with the fame monster, we asked her the meaning of the first few lines of her track 'BAD ROMANCE'. We questioned if it was some sort of an encryption or a code which only she could break. Miss GAGA took off her shades, looked left and right and whispered that she was a scientist, and had recently found out the perfect equation for a really bad romance. She wanted the world to have a piece of her discovery and that is why the song.  
(RA) 2 + (AH) 3 + ROMA (1+MA) + (GA) 2 OOH (LA) 2 = BAD ROMANCE
Rumour has it that this equation has been copied by GAGA, and originally belongs to the mastermind ALBERT EINSTEIN, who is no longer alive to bring a claim against the infringement. 


Hot from our ASIAN desk, recent reports that HIMESH RESHAMIYA IS INTO BESTIALITY, has been confirmed. The singer who made us think 'What is under that cap?' has been under great emotional stress lately. My secret reporter has just brought in that the love of his life who happens to be a HIMALAYAN WOLF, just dumped him after a life long relationship, a strong reason as to why we all are not getting enough of his ' OWWWWWWS'. Our deepest condolences to the howler.  
                                                                
That is all for today. Great Friday and take care.

 
P.S- I HOPE NOONE SUES ME. I am just bored beyond recognition. Also never ever try teaching your Grandparents how to send and receive SMS and never ever tell them about YOUTUBE. You have been warned !! Also i am too lazy to give the links of these images. Google is GOD!

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