Wednesday, 1 February 2012

ABOUT BIRDS AND BEES!!




I am worried. I still am flabbergasted by the statement my brother made regarding ‘sex’ some days back. Now me being the epitome of an average Indian female belonging to an average Indian family, I have never ever discussed the subject ‘fornication’ with my family members. My Father still switches to some other channel whenever an advertisement of Moods condom comes up or the part of the movie when the hero and heroine start to knead each other i.e foreplay. 

Some days back me and my 14 yr old brother happened to watch an English flick which went by the name ‘Notorious’. It was based on the life of the legendary rapper Biggie Smalls and he was a huge man, both in size and fame. There came a scene were the fat man is butt naked on bed with his girlfriend riding him all the way till climax. The awkward me reacted to this by forwarding the movie till the porny part was done with. My brother innocently said ‘You think I don’t know stuffs? I know what they were doing. I even know the position they were trying.’ 

I haven’t been able to erase that statement from my mind. Kids these days know everything they shouldn’t know about at their age. When I look back, I remember being the naive kid who had the basics all wrong. 

2nd Grade
I thought that Mommy was kissed on the lips by my Daddy which made her tummy swell up like a balloon. This was followed by me popping out of her Belly Button while she was asleep. 

5th Grade
Now the little me was becoming inquisitive about the whole bird and bee thing. I would stare at the scene where the hero starts kissing the heroine on her neck and cheeks, undress her, make her lie on the bed with him half naked and then switch off the light. I now had the answer before me as to how to get pregnant. All you need to do is to get naked, cuddle up with a guy, turn off the light and kiss him till you sleep. Voila! The next day you are pregnant. 

7th Grade
I came back home from school with a very funny feeling going inside my tummy. I went to my room to get undressed and then screamed the biggest scream of my life. My granny ran to my rescue, just to find me petrified and bawling my eyes out. I was bleeding from the unknown territory and this only meant one thing to me i.e I had cancer. I did not believe my granny or my mother when they tried to explain things which made no logic to me. I was sure that I had cancer because I noticed a tear or two in my Dad’s eyes which he was trying to hide with a smile. I was going to die.

8th Grade
I found out that babies come out of a woman’s Vagina. Now the next step was to find out what a vagina is. Since I did not have the permission to go online except to do my project, I asked my friends who seemed to be brighter than me. They declared that the Vagina and the pee hole were one and the same.

9th Grade
They introduced us to Biology with the topic ‘Reproduction’ being one of the chapters. My teacher started to tell us how bees sprinkle pollen grains of one flower on the other and thus help in plant reproduction. She even told us that when a coma like thing enters a circle, they become a thing called embryo which after 9 mths becomes a baby and comes out of the vagina. I raised my hand to ask a doubt.

Me- But Madam, you said bees and the wind help in the pollination of plants. How does the coma enter the circle to become a baby?
Teacher- Sit down! You just need to learn the things given in the book. A baby comes out of a woman’s vagina after 9 mths.
Me- Vagina means the pee hole?
Teacher- No the other hole.
Me- The other hole? You mean the anus?
Teacher- No. The one between them.
Me- I don’t have it.

10th Grade
This time I was determined to find out about the whole process. After our Ninth grade exam, one of my best friends organised a slumber party at her place. Her parents allowed her and the three friends she had called including me, to sleep upstairs. That room even had a computer system with internet in it. We decided to make use of the opportunity and started searching for ‘Sex Videos’ online. I still remember staring at the screen with my eyes and mouth wide open. I and my friends swore never to do what we just saw. The woman seemed to be in a hell lot of pain. Why else would she make so much noise, with her expression all contorted? I was sure that my parents did such a painful and ugly thing only twice and that too just so that I and my brother could enter this world. Why would anyone do such a thing for no apparent reason!

Now
I am now well informed about the entire process and I for sure know that it is nowhere close to be termed as Ugly. I know everything that a girl of my age and my time should know. The world has changed me though. I am no more naïve nor am I innocent. I read a quote somewhere that ‘69% percent of people can find something dirty in every sentence’. I proudly accept the fact that I belong to that category. Go ahead, judge me but I too know what goes in your mind, you dirty creep!

Coming back to the point, how do you think should I have reacted to my brother when he made such a statement? I just smiled till the awkwardness went away. I sometimes wonder how kids will be ten years down the line. Early maturity is not a good thing. It eats away your innocence. God save!

P.S- I am sure you would be thinking that I was a late learner. I know that many girls get to know stuffs real early in their life but I wasn’t one of them. I was the kid you saw frolicking down the lane with the brightest smile on her face.
P.P.S- My apologies for not commenting on your latest blogposts. I have been travelling a lot and on top of all that had my exams up. And oh btw! Two juniors got down with Chicken Pox and so the University is shut down for a week starting today!! Jealous much?!! :D
Image Courtesy- funnyverticles.com


85 comments:

  1. hahahaha...
    "I don't have it" OMG!!!! You are hilarious!! You actually said that??
    Kids these are too smart. They also have the resources to know just about everything!
    hahahaha.. am still laughing at that statement...!

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    Replies
    1. Hehehehe Yes I did say tht. My schoolmates still remind me of tht tragedy!

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  2. An interesting read.

    P.S. : I'm jealous. Why do universities shut down for a week ? :P

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    1. Chicken pox was terrifying I suppose..hehehe

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  3. hahahahahaha " I dont Have it" Wayyy too hilarious!!!

    I was no different!! :D

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  4. hahaha.........I have also been a late learner!I din't know the meaning of virgin for many years and I got to know about the literal meaning of 'sex' through dictionary when I was in 9th.And I hated myself and din't feel like touching myself because I came from such a dirty place:D
    You were strong enough to say that 'I don't have it'. Studying in a co-ed school killed all the doubts.
    At my place,women don't work during periods and the explination they gave was that the crow touched them! I always wondered how crow entered the loo:P
    Its hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. I dnt understand...Crow touched them?? And dictionary really?! Why dint tht ever enter my head?! Heheheh thankyou so much for reading!

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  5. Ya kids are growing in the same fashion, but seriously "innocence lost is lost forever" Even i was late learner, in my B.tech i realized how babies are born :P ..Dumb i was..

    I am damn so jealous abt ur one week vacation, i hv to say so many reasons for taking one day off to work... Lucky You...

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    1. Oh I will soon be in that phase of working!! Till then let me enjoy :D

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  6. Even I recall how we students used to react to all those changes & biology classes back in schools. Our was still a decent generation... The mindset of children changed dramatically once we matured. :D

    Weakest LINK

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    1. exactly!!!! The mindset and gone thru a revolution I believe!

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  7. I wud like to give u an hi5 on that. Superbly written. I actually carried ur 2nd Grade idea til I was in 8th grade. Then came 9th grade and chapter on Reproduction. And incidentally it was on page no 69..:p

    The whole thing seemed too messy back then. And I watched my 1st porn when I was in my 1st yr of Engg, much more late learner than u ain't it..?? And its not the mistake of kids, its the world we live in today. Easy access to internet, the entertainment media and the peer pressure, everything makes them aware of things which they shouldn't be aware of at their age.

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    1. 1st yr of engg!!!!! BOY!!!!!! Hhahah cute actually u know. and yes its the world we live in today, that has taken away the innocence much earlier than it shud be

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  8. Kids really are too smart these days :P makes you feel really old, don't it ? Now that we are the ones getting awkward and raising eyebrows at their awareness :P

    Finally you did find something to write about :) All the best for ze exams :D Awesome post :)

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    1. heheh yes I did find something finlly!!I am such a lazy person!!Thanks for reading :)

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  9. Hahahahaha... I like the 69% ppl can find dirty in any sentence part :D :D well.. For me a few nut head friends and National geographic channel gave wired ideas till we all one day decided and went ahead to finally uncover the mystery with the help of my now best friend Google ;)

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    1. That line isnt my property :( and about the national geographic channel!! Hi5!!!!

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  10. I don't have it!! Lol! this has to be the funniest post i have read about birds and the bees!! I couldn't stop laughing!

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  11. ahaaa kneading!! a dough heheheh.. and dirty minds.. what a read!


    OMG that reminds me, my son is growing .. so far I had logically and correctly answered all his queries, god knows when he asks me all these..

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    Replies
    1. hahahaha you wait and watch!! My brother has been approaching me for clarifying all his doubts...gaah!

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  12. hahaha....I guess i had an experience very much on the same lines... great read!!!

    http://doyouspeakpurple.blogspot.com/

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  13. Good stuff. I still don't get why they have to associate the reproduction process with Birds and Bees when they can plainly state facts on people's faces.

    Don't worry, you'll probably find a lot of known souls in that 69 % and Dudette, you watched Porn in the 10th grade --> RESPECT :D.

    Cheers :)

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    1. actually I still dont understand the whole phrase 'BIRDS AND BEES' ...
      Yes I watched it in 10th grade!! M awesome :P

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  14. DAMN! You do know how to entertain readers babe! :D u def crack us up! :D
    and i was NO DIF frm u...except the fact that i read up the vagina drawing when i got to know there is a 3rd hole :D

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    1. I dint know thr was a third hole :( I was the naive kid!

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  15. Hmmm..problem is, most times they grow up learning words without knowing the meaning (or do they...). *Sigh

    I'm prepared.

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    1. Oh yes that happens first and then they google about the meaning...

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  16. We've all been there... people of our age and around. Today's gen definitely knows more... but is it bad?
    I think their knowledge will help them be less snoopy about it. If they know, they won't be so attracted by it's unknown nature coz as u would b knowing, curiosity always leads to more poking and interest, than real knowledge.
    Having said that, if my 9 yr old sis were to tell me she understands this, i would maybe faint. :)

    And ya, i got a guy once beaten up by his parents because of my lack of knowledge.


    P.S. Get your spacebar fixed...

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    1. u got a guy beaten up??!!!HOW AWESOME IS THAT!!!!!!!!
      And spacebar fixed?

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  17. bwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
    I DONT HAVE IT...????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    i want to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee laughinggggggggg
    u actually said that..??
    JESUS :P:P:P:P

    oh well..i errm..well..i was a very extremely very inquisitive kid..and made it a poitn to know everything in my school days..
    pfft..never mind..i was innocent when required :D:D:D

    owwwwww..i can understand...the awkwardness..i still feel it when i have to watch some "errm" stuff at home with mum n dad..i nicely invent some job for the moment out of the blue and vanish from there...and nicely come back after the scene be done..
    even appa knows my bleh discomfort i guess..
    *sheepish smile*

    but..yehh..honestly..i feel sex is over rated..
    too much hoopla over nothing..
    but yeah..kids nowadays are far far mature too soon..not good not good..
    i wonder if i will ever have to sit and have a discussion on "birds and bees" with my kid..m sure he or she will come up and tell me stuff they found..
    sighhh..tough times ahead i tell you..
    :D
    masttttttttttttttttttt post...machii
    lovedddddd itttttt
    ohh n yeahh..rock ur exams dahlin..:* :) <3

    cheers !!

    PS-the pic be hilarious..religious it seems :D:D:D

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    1. hahahah my father just forwards the porny part till everything is family type again :P
      I looove ur bubbly comments my love! CUUUUUUTE XOXOXOXOXO!

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  18. I think it's perfectly normal for a 14 year old to know about sex and talk openly to the sister as well.

    If he is not comfortable speaking to the family, then who should one approach? porn? Porn is in fact at kids' dispense all the time.

    I am surprised at your knowledge too though...was it only for humour? I know there is a PS, yet it's hard for me to believe.

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  19. Oh wait! You watched it in tenth grade :D So, that's not too late you see....

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    1. hehehe yes..I was a late bloomer :(

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  20. Nice one! i could relate to it at almost all stages. your 7th grade story happened to me in 9th. i knew all about it, and still, when the catastrophe struck, i too thought it was cancer. silly ignorant me! :D
    My first porn was in first year of graduation and i'm not a big fan of it. :l
    maybe i didn't get to see the right one. :P
    As for your brother sharing all this with you, i think that's pretty good. you should openly talk to him about stuff!

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  21. you are sucha clown :D :D ...i was laughing at most of the stages, made a face at one part where it looked straight out of a biology book :D and could relate to the entire post. :D

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  22. I think i quite agree with Chintan...I am scared/worried abt our future generations coz there will be a time when 5yr old kids will talk abt sex!!

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  23. oh btw....m laughing even more on reading this....again...lol...ure too funny red!!
    I dont have it!!.---->hahaha

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  24. Wooooaaahhhh, now this was quite a post :)

    Thanks to growing up with an elder sis I was aware of almost everything by the time I was in 7th grade. But yeah, nothing can beat my first porn watching experience. I started screaming and vowed to never let a man touch me.

    But today... Hmmmm :)

    2 people get chicken pox and the university shuts down?? Here even if my cubicle mate has H1N1 and is coughing right into my mouth they'd expect me to work :(

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  25. Hahaha!! Awesum read!! Easily one of ur bests!!! :)

    I think I grew kinda early on this knowledge; obviously Shakeela aunty and Silk aunty helped the process by a great deal :)

    Awesum read!!

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  26. Wow these things happened to me too around the same age as you :D We girls are pathetic lol!

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  27. HAHAHAHAHHAHAH. My god how innocent you were. 10th grade before you found out? :P
    Well I knew most of the "facts" by the time I was 9 and a half years old, but I didn't really understand how the facts fit in until I was 11:)
    Very late bloomer, weren't you?

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  28. We girls grow on these kinda subject due to certain restrictions by our parents. We dont get to go our and stay out for long and thats for our own good i know. But boys dont have any such kinda restriction which make them understand things like this little early before us. But for me i am glad the way i learnt this stuff the age i am supposed to.

    http://www.rachelspassion.blogspot.com

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  29. Completely agree kids know everything these days, and a lot more than they should too. Its kind of very weird when a kid in 2nd grade is having a conversation about sex!

    You sure were a late bloomer, but again everything depends on the resources and the access to things! Also in some schools they tell you about it early!

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  30. My comment would sound pervy if I say it. But I really want to comment. Let's just say I also know about the baby thingy. *Sniff* Everything. *Runs*

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  31. hawwwwww... i learned about stuff in class 9th may be, dont remeber exactly.

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  32. Im soooo jealous!! My college just reopened!

    Rofl@ the 9th std episode!!

    I knew it by my 7th. But it didn't ruin my childhood or anything.
    I have a classmate who didn't know what balls meant in the first semester of college.
    By the end of the semester, she'd done it four times with her bf.

    Lol if a brother had told me he didn't know, that would concern me more. At least there wouldn't be any more awkwardness.

    I loved this post! I want to do one too!

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  33. hehe, Reminded me of my talks with girlfriends on sleepovers! All my friends, had funny thoughts, about how a baby was born before they actually got to know the thing! One even thought, that they'd had to get naked, dance on the bed, till it broke. Haha! Can u beat that!

    Its just sad , kids turning adolescents and then adults, real soon. I read on a blog that a 6 year old girl, started with her PMS. 6 year old! I was horrified

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  34. The future generation is far ahead , My 8 year nephew asked me the other day that if he was naked sleeping with a girl will she have a baby.. and I WAS LIKE OYUEEEEEEEEEEEE shutup and ask you dad or mum..

    I must say when i was growing up it was only in the 9th or the 10th class that the REAL thing came to be told .. SO as you can see i was also a slow learner ..


    Bikram's

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  35. I just used to have the same questions at that age and nowadays kids are losing their innocence at a very early age. Ten years down the line god knows what will happen but really i hope that kids remain kids. Good post. Had a good time reading it.

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  36. You are SO adorable..."I don't have it"...hahahhahahahha... :* :*

    When I watched porn for the first time which means in 11th grade, I thought that the ugly thing of naked men was not real..it was something artificial. And I was so confident with this self-made fact. La la land. Sigh! :P

    Even I wonder sometimes how kids would be after a decade or two. As nowadays children have iphones but sadly no childhood.

    P.S: Hey, I too have a week's holiday. YAYYYY!!!!
    University fest, you see. :D

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  37. Lol! I have no clue what to say...! I wish someone had recorded that conversation between you and the bio teacher. Ha ha ha!
    The worst part of my biology class was the lady who taught reproduction was pregnant at that point of time. Students invariable asked her more questions than required because they saw it in front of their eyes that she knows the process. Her tolerance my God!She actually answered everything and we students didn't battle an eyelid. whoa. Memorable times :d

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  38. Well!! When your brother passes such a statement then you shake hands with him and talk to him about the importance of contraceptives :P

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  39. About finding something dirty in every line, I am in the 69% or am I ?(for the society sake ) . But really, my cousin (about same age, as your brother) and I happened to get trapped in a similar scenario, and trust me the awkwardness was mutual. I didn't wana hamper the "oh-my-baby-bro" image I had of him :D

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  40. Absolutely hilarious. You know the first time I saw condoms,I mistook them for the finger covers that you put on to cut vegetables. And in Second grade , I thought that sanitary napkins were bandages to be used when we had huge cuts. :)

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  41. ya.doc v s right..tech him abt the imp of contraceptives

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  42. I can't remember jack squat about how my kiln of sexual knowledge got filled ;):P
    You're one lucky girl to have such a sharp memory :D
    And your brother is amusing ;)

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  43. Just went through some of ur posts.. And I just loved the frankness you have in your posts.. M following you now.
    You have got a best blog I have visited till date:)
    Cheers...

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  44. Brilliant post as always. This actually made me ponder over my initial encounter with sexual knowledge. It would be actually disgusting to tell you about when did I see porn for the first time. Of course, I do remember all those biology chapters and how my *hot* teacher would skip them. But, unlike girls, boys have an easy access to knowledge providing stuffs. Frankly speaking, I( ....and my brother ...and my friends) loved it the moment we found about it( There, I said it).
    Anyway, thanks for sharing this great piece of writing.

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  45. I know the stupid things we'd believed. And to know it was nowhere close to all that :P ..

    Hahah brilliant post :)

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  46. The funny things we think about Sex when we were kids :P
    Cancer?? Haha! I'm still laughing at that :D

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  47. loll i knowww tell em bout it kids these days at the age when i started watchin cartoons are goin out with two girl friends at the same time. i too have a whole big mom dad wats this sex post on this .. well i keep my younger borther as causual as i can keep him so .....it is a li awkward i try to avoid as much but when eva sex comes up and when men talk it comes up a lot ,,,i try to keep it casual ...!! though in your case a brother sister relationship i have no idea how wierd that wud have felt ...!lolll

    ohh did i spoil the suspense for you ...!1 yah well sheldon cooper has gf now...!
    she is actually even more annoying than sheldon coper himself and ya believe me that is possible even i din think it was but just wait untill u meet amey fera fouler,,,!! ya tats a name .. i knooooow,,,,!!!

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  48. you can't be serious bout the conversation with your teacher though is tat for real ??

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  49. Why I said spacebar fixed is coz in a lot of places in this post the space between two words is missing. :)

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  50. That's a well informed brother you have there...and I am so glad i am not your teacher although i was quite a student like you;-)

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  51. Hilarious! And to put on my apparel of the truthful, I could not use much of my quality time to visit any of my fellow bloggers, and so the frequency of my comments might be limited, in your blog too. Apologies. And I feel myself at the side of loss for not entering into this world of enchanting and naughty prose, often. Your loyal follower,
    The Indian Commentator.

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  52. that convo between u and ur teacher really took place???:-O
    LOL.......................
    :-D HIlarious post this....

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  53. Oh god!This was exactly like my "growing up".My parents me that one day when they woke up I was sleeping in between them and God had left me there.

    And that teacher-me dialogue was funny.I thought I was deformed when I found the other-hole and told my mom so,tears brimming.Amma and Ammoomma had a nice laugh that afternoon.

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  54. OMG!!!! I too was sucha slow learner abt these thingss.... damnn.. my frnds still tease me abt it...!!! :P
    well i was more late thn u babe... I learned it after my 10th grade..!! *sheepish smile*
    nd yes.. lovely post... well done...!! :D

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  55. Coming back to your blog, and recalling your post again, made me laugh once again :P
    Thank you for the comment :)

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  56. Hilarious! I remember sulking for days when I realized that my parents also did 'it':D

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  57. Hahaha.... Good one!.
    Good thing I realized things a bit earlier itself. I've been the one with odd and never ending doubts in my class always. But in these session, many of us were like: you see, we knew it all and kept our mouth shut.
    Hilarious post red!

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  58. "I don't have it" - the best-est I have ever, ever read!!

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  59. I was laughing throughout the post woman! Damn. Lol.

    2nd & 5th grade thinking pretty much applies the same for everyone.
    The most hilarious one is the 7th grade! I had a good laugh on that!

    When you said ''I dont have it'', over the conversation with your teacher, that would have really cracked up your teacher!

    Your sense of humour is underrated, you should do stand up comedies!

    Each time I'm feeling all sad, I should blogwalk here, and read your pieces!

    Awesome, loved it! Oh.. and you guys get holidays cause 2 jr's gets chicken pox? wow, lucky and yes jealous much! Right here, they just put those affected in force leave and home quarantine.

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  60. Ahem.. ahem... I am an early learner..
    Got chums at the age of 8. So i was a declared 'major' and used to hang out with elder cousin sisters. learned everything about the process long before my friends who were yet to get chums... :DDD

    I am not surprised that kids are way too smart and know-it-all this generation. They indeed know many things than us!

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  61. I was laughing throughout and still laughing as I am typing this! :D

    Great post as always!

    :Me- Vagina means the pee hole?
    Teacher- No the other hole.
    Me- The other hole? You mean the anus?
    Teacher- No. The one between them.
    Me- I don’t have it."

    This was too much! :D

    P.S: I envy your writing...

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  62. You have wonderfully expressed what many felt at the respective ages,
    no you are not slow but our society is a bit slow in growing up.

    and yes I am one of those dirty fellows who will find dirty in every sentence ,
    Keep up the Great work.

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  63. firstly, i'm sorry i breached your privacy by reading this out loud in my hostel room.. funny! damn funny! keep up the good work..

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  64. 'I don't have it' :P
    heheh!
    Having a good time stalking your blog, Red ;)

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Spit It Out I Say !!!