Sunday, 8 January 2012

DECIPHER ME

There is a void inside me. An empty space which once was filled with emotions of pure love for the one who completed my puzzle called life. It had never been easy for us ever, but we fought through all the barriers to just be able to live with and love each other. A quiet marriage in the courtroom wasn’t my dream wedding but at that moment, he seemed to be my destination and me, his redemption. I was deemed dead by my father who though did not show it, was heartbroken by the fact that I, his only daughter chose to go against him for another man. I do not regret even one bit of it and if I had to do it all again, I certainly would.

But what went wrong then? I wish I had an answer. I wish I could be honest to the man for whom I left almost everything and everyone for. Yesterday was our second anniversary and I could still see in his eyes the boundless love he had for me. No compromises what so ever. But why do I feel nothing but sheer pity and sympathy for him? Where has the soul of our relationship gone? Why do I kiss him before he goes to work, out of duty which once used to be out of love? Why don’t I crave for him anymore? 

I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is a woman withdrawn from what she had finally achieved after years of craving for it. I was with the man who loved me to the extent of being mistaken as devotion. But somewhere along the way, I had lost the utmost love that I carried for him. Someday in the past 2 years, somewhere and somehow the love was gone as if someone had just ripped it off my chest. All I now felt was empathy and the guilt of loosing something which he deserved, my love. 

Every night, as he hugs me to sleep, I make a solemn promise of being able to wake up to a new morning with love for him brimming in my heart. But all I wake up to is an empty heart and a meaningless existence. 

Today, something got over me and I opened up to him. I told him of what had been eating me up from within. He questioned my loyalty, cursed me, cried before me like an infant, tried to raise his hand on me and even tried to make me love him again. He stopped trying when he saw nothing for him in my eyes. He had lost me.

I am right now in a hotel room. My hastily packed luggage sits aimlessly on the side. I am on the bed with my nails digging into the white cotton bed sheet and my eyes fixed at the fan which continues to do its monotonous duty of rotating. My life is not meant to work that way. I have nowhere to go now, but I am at peace. My family won’t take me back nor will I go back to the man who loves me like no one ever can. But I truly am at peace. I have no direction or destination nor do I know what tomorrow would be like. I might regret it all tomorrow but today, I am at peace.




P.S- I wonder how many people continue to be with someone even after the divinity of the relationship is gone. I wonder what makes them continue­ it even after the essence of it is dead. Maybe it is the fear of being judged or the fear of letting go of a stable existence. But more than anything, I think it is the fear of change.
P.P.S- I realize that I haven’t replied to the generous comments I received in my last post. Real Sorry! My University final semester just began and I am kept busy because of it. Thankyou so much for not hating me already!



65 comments:

  1. I SO agree. The fear of change keeps us hanging on to things and just sucks out fun from life. Its scary though, to fall out of love with someone you vehemently loved at one point and went against ure family for.
    I mean,sometimes you just havent fallen in love ever and SO moving on feels easy. I wonder how it is to fall out of love, the way u've put it across in this story. Scary ! now, thats a change I would reli fear.

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  2. Good choice for a Serious post yet again and very crisply narrated.

    I think the observations you make at the end are very valid and reckon its mainly because of the lack of initiative due to reasons aplenty.

    Cheers :)

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  3. I love this story and I thank God, that even though me and him aren't together now, our relationship is still so strong. I love him and he loves me back. I love being friends with him. This brought me close to tears! :)

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  4. Wow..the message is conveyed amazingly..
    I suppose some people tend to continue being in the relationship, so that no one judges them or maybe with the hope that things will change. Whatever be the reason, sometimes it is hard to let go.

    This was very well-written. I loved it :)

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  5. I exactly know how it feels.When falling in love is beautiful,falling out of love is nothing but emptiness.You like that person but not love him,you wish all the happiness for him,you wish that he was your friend instead of your lover.It feels like cheating but not because of third person or maybe the charm goes away once you have got what you wanted earlier.

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  6. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear. Plain and simple fear. Sometimes guilt too. For some reason its been drilled into many people's brains that falling out of love is 'wrong'. Once you love a person, you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with him/her. Which I think is stupid. Some relationships are meant to last for a short while. Embrace it. Enjoy it. If there's nothing left, nothing worth fighting for or staying for, then move on and embrace the change too.

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  7. Happens with many and I think all.

    That is what sabbaticals are for? Are they not? :)

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  8. In a marriage of convenience, rather than of love... I can say that the man and woman love each other, but is never in love. The man becomes a part of the woman's limb, inseparable no matter how monotonous it may be.. exactly like how one cannot leave ones' children / parents / siblings.. are one's spouse too.. exception would be cruelty - mental or physical or total breakdown of marriage like serious incompatibility.

    But in a marriage of love, I do not know.. maybe it would feel like a relief to be out of it entirely.. but fear holds them back.

    a living theme, you have chosen.. Keep writing , Love

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  9. just two words an amazing post as always

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  10. I wouldn't know as I met Hobbs at 18 and we stuck together..but if it has to happen,it should happen your way,clean,unapologetic and matured.Question is..is it possible always, in all situations? I guess not!

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  11. Very well written Red. :) I guess it's the feeling of letting go your comfort zone that makes people stick to a dead relationship.

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  12. first. i appreciate your courage, the bravery to follow your heart.
    second. i question the intelligence of your decision.
    i am very much an emotional man.but i also am so much a man plagued by logic and reason, i have almost given up hope of falling in love.
    so its obvious that my remark is going to be diametrically opposite to your decisions.
    love is such a subliminal phenomenon. and even when its full of conviction, its always transient. and it is always relative.
    what you love today, you barely admire tommorow.
    perhaps you take certain things for granted once a commitment is made.
    perhaps things loose their charm on a subconscious level.
    but in life, you need resources. you need family. you need being more than transient.
    i am very close to someone who is in your exact same state of life. someone whom i think of as a sister. a person i am responsible for. a person for whom i always wish the best.
    and yet, i find myself telling her this every single time.

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  13. All relationships come with shelf life...they may fizzle eventually-some lack the fire of their own to realize that there's nothing burning now...

    others have such flames within that even the slightest hint of coldness coming crumbles them from within...

    marriages then become relationships of convenience-it is convenient to carry on with a mental void than with the complications of starting all over again and alone!

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  14. First of all, excuse me. I have been guilty of not commenting on your blog of late although I have been reading it regularly. I blame it partly on my laziness and partly on your sheer brilliant posts that leave me speechless.

    Secondly, I am speechless to comment on this post ;). Waise seriously, beautifully penned and awesome post.

    Thirdly, I started with the idea of making a comic strip. visit http://comics.technoflirt.com (Have any ideas for a comic post, feel free to drop an email :) )

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  15. I think we carry the burden of a dead relation for the fear for society or kids. Our society has taught us to drag a relation. And, if you don't you are disrespected for being immature.

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  17. You know, I know somebody who should end up in this state very soon.. and for my part, I'm praying tht it happens only too soon :)

    We friends been telling her to let go and she sez can't cos she's too deep into it and has crafted a neat n pretty life around it.. only the soul of it all has left it a long time back...

    Strange is the way of the heart and stranger the flow of life...

    Brilliantly written piece on a very topical subject, Red!!!:)

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  18. Very well u have narrated Red and made ur point clear. that was briliant

    I think, when things won't workout in one's favour, they shd accept and move on in life. if they hold it back,it creates unnecessary chaos in life.

    I believe many have breakups before marriage, and one cannot sit and worry abt them.. after all we live only once.

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  19. I think responsibility, or worse the fact that the first choice was made by you, usually is enough to scare people out of making the final choice.

    Good post.

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  20. Fear of change or lack of confidence or fear of hurting someone who cares, need to fulfill your responsibility, anything could be the reason...I think someone has to be really really brave to walk out in this situation and I don't think that sort of courage is widely prevalent

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  21. Very well written!! The desperation of the one who is being left and relief of the one who is leaving is very well brought out.

    Guess we have to be selfish at some point or other.

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  22. very well written and letting go is sometimes the best choice ;)

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  23. wow this reminded me of something very close to my heart.. and made me question too.. how can a person who has been in so much love change suddenly..

    I dont know the reasons but i do think of one thing ..
    that there can never be a good enough reason to break up a relation..
    no wonder the world is becoming a unbearable place to live in ..

    One has to work hard on relations .. but then i guess once people go through the same pain they have caused others will they realise the mistakes .. :)

    a beautiful story i must say hits hard..

    Bikram's

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  24. em one of those who was not committing on your reads lately..it was not that I was not reading you..I have been reading you regularly ..its just I had issues with my internet plus have been lazy too..hope you will not hate me for that:)

    The read here was very well written..its one of those unsaid things that almost everybody of us understands..but we dont talk about it coz we are unable to grip it with words..so we avoid it..leaving it there with other "UNSAID" things..
    there surely comes this point when everything seems pointless,that love that feeling that we so used to have for somebody just dont stay there anymore..all it leaves behind is this killing emptiness...the worst part is we dont have answers then..I wonder wot it is..pure selfishness..or just the fact of humans being incompetent to stay content for that long..too complicated to understand ! anyways..very well written :-)

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  25. So true...i have always believed in that, if a relationship doesnt make sense any more its best to move on..no point dragging it!

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  26. Oh wow. I really liked this one. It was said so well. The way one feels after things go all bad in life. (Not the way one wants it to go) Ah. Lovely!

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  27. Fear of change and a sense of duty and guilt.. IF someone loves you so much and you had once loved them too then there is always a guilt and realistically it would be foolish to let go of such a relation with nothing else in hand! Love changes with time and one can't keep experimenting each time one falls out of love..

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  28. people get used to living in a certain way and they are scared to change it and thus the holding back.the same reason when after retirement, an old couple cant bring themselves to change the city to be with there son's/daughter's

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  29. Another dose of awesomeness...:-)

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  30. It really does!!! Its like nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    dnt worry we wont hate u for that ... but a big thx for nt replying ;) just kidding :D

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  31. I know people very close to me hanging on to a relationship just because of the fear of change you just mentioned. It takes a lot of guts to walk out of it. But sadly she doesnt and it makes me so sad. Reading this I pictured her all the way to the last line and I feel so touched and sorry for her.

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  32. Fear of change is what it is. I stuck onto to a dead relationship for 2 years after it was over! I'm so glad I realised it oneday and walked out of it.

    Today there has been many changes and I'm only getting more happier and more in love with each change.

    Lovely post Red, you bring out pages of my life in the most subtle way ever. Thanks :)

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  33. You love someone because you are fond of them. Fond has its limit. No matter how pleasing "Living forever with each other" may sound but at someday it will reach to its turbulence. This is what I ahve learnt, observed and experienced.

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  34. Life can sometimes be strange and human beings are even more unpredictable :|

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  35. Heavy! Nice narration and I love the way you just put such situations into words!

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  36. It made me think. Think about various horizons a human mind can conquer, about varied emotions that can occur in a relationship. One can feel disconnected to someone even though they can't live without each other. It happens!
    But yes, fear of change is a good impediment to stop people from breaking free from a dead relationship.

    A very deep post, Red. :)

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  37. Lovely story - The answer to P.S. is, all the reasons you quoted; not just one. :)

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  38. this is exactly what bout women one cant get ,,,,!! wat is it do women have an unknown desire of being treated like dirt ? i mean they do at soeme unconcious level like it if they r always let down cause onli those kind of men seem to get thier way with women ,,,!! the ones who actually care for them can oly get pity from women ,,,

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  39. After reading your post I can only say When I was a kid I used to crave for the bike(bicycle)a lot and the day when I got it I rode it passionately and after a years or two my craving for bike was no more. So it is bound to happen with anyone and different people has different durablity of their craving.

    And yes you are right that "it is the fear of being judged or the fear of letting go of a stable existence. But more than anything, I think it is the fear of change"

    But all these should not be summarise in single post coz the topic is so deep and sensivitive....nicely written:)

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  40. "First of all, excuse me. I have been guilty of not commenting on your blog of late although I have been reading it regularly. I blame it partly on my laziness and partly on your sheer brilliant posts that leave me speechless.

    Secondly, I am speechless to comment on this post ;). Waise seriously, beautifully penned and awesome post."

    + N

    This post, as always [really,genuinely,truly] made me think.
    You know what's the best thing about you Red? You are one person who can make me laugh like crazy, feel sad and think with all your posts.
    This was beautiful. And sad.
    But it's good that she atleast told him.
    I heart you Red!
    <3
    xoxo

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  41. Hi Red,

    Awesome post :) The comical lady made me think for the first time after coming to your blog :) You showered some of the comical stuffs and this only is absolute brilliant stuff... "Maybe it is the fear of being judged or the fear of letting go of a stable existence. But more than anything, I think it is the fear of change." Awesome lines :) :)

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  42. i appreciate the post .. and i sympathise with that women ,,women can be like that i get it but u have to know this is wrong i wudn encourage the sentiment this post represents ,,,,!!its not ok to feel good bout it .. its wrong red ..

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  43. When a relationship is dead, it stinks. Yet most of carry on with, putting ourselves through the torture for the sake of appearance.

    What we do not realize is how emancipating it can be, to let go of what is not yours anymore.

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  44. if everyone could be as brave as the lady in your post, there would be happier people and lesser families!
    But to stay together, I think there is more to a relationship than just love. It's Duty!

    Lovely and a thought provoking post, Red! :)

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  45. When the charm is lost, it is very difficult to get it on again. And there is no point in such being with a person for the sake of it. And I point we have to let go, or else we have to do something to make it work!

    Loved the writing :)

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  46. Fear of change! What else? When love dies, what is left in a relationship? Nothing! Beautiful post, Red!

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  47. ok .. i just said tat cause i just sensed a hint of you sympathiing with that women u r correct this happens even from the mans side tat part is also true ,,,,
    and even i sympathse with the women here .don know y but i do .. it does seem like the right thng to do .. even though it is actually wrong
    awesome write btw ...! whens the next post comin ?/

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  48. Haha.. Its strange. How long we can stick to people when there isn't any camaraderie, no love, or basically no relations left in a relationship. Its not love shove only, even in friendship, we often hang along with people with whom there is nothing common left, no sense of belonging either. A lot of times we drift apart, a lot of times we just cling on, sometimes unecessarily. Its good if its gives you peace now, you never know how things turn in a while. Life.

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  49. Beautiful post. And what is left us the fear of uncertainty.

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  50. Very well written red,its so refreshing to read you after long time,I wonder how many ppl are goin through that..to be honest at times I do think about it too..what will happen the love runs out of the marriage..scary!!!

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  51. Brilliantly written and a very matured post. Its best to let go of things than just keep clinging on to them as it may harm them more than ever.

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  52. This is what I'm terrified of... Losing feelings for him even when he doesn't.

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  53. Wonderfully penned. The human mind is such a complex machine that it continues to do things which defy logic.

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  54. Hey!

    Well written. I think at times it is the children. A woman stays back in the marriage because it is harsh on them to deal with a separation. In some causes it is dependency- non earning lady will literally hit the road if she leaves the husband. Lack of courage maybe the third reason. And, as you have pointed it out- resistance to change things, a helpless acceptance of fate.

    Thought provoking and Simple.

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  55. Very thoughtful.Some times it becomes a comfortable habit.The novelty wears off but then you'll learn to acknowledge your need for the other person.Dependance is not weakness.

    Love makes you vulnerable but then what's life without letting go of yourself.

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  56. Loved it!!
    Its so true. so realistic.
    *speechless*

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  57. You know I really cringe on reading and hearing about similar stories.

    After some time all relations become stale and the fire extinguishes; its only then the real test of survival begins....living with someone without any love or even respect for him is the worst nightmare, I know how bad it can be and really empathise with people there

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  58. Hey Red, How are you? :) How is life? Long time..huh? Funny that most of the times, we go through same phases in life ! :) Coincidence? Well, not sure whether this is a fiction or a post about you. If former, then I get to see the other side of your writing, which reflects sheer awesomeness! If latter, then among all the suggestions and sympathy, I have only one question, are you okay now? To be honest, these things are characteristics of a loser like me . But you, my girl, are someone who is born to be happy! Don't ever let your comic nature go away from you. Your nature is what makes you a wonderful person. Stay blessed <3

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  59. "I've left the man who loves me like hell and am headed no where...and yes, sorry i couldnt reply to your comments, i was busy with exams.."
    You must be nuts...this is a blog...a fake world...snap out...

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  60. "I've left the man who loves me like hell and am headed no where...and yes, sorry i couldnt reply to your comments, i was busy with exams.."
    You must be nuts...this is a blog...a fake world...snap out...

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  61. There is a thing called hope.She once loved him and I guess giving their relationship a chance and hoping that things will fall into place would be a more mature outlook...

    Red..This is an awesome post..Hats off to your writing and narrative skills.

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Spit It Out I Say !!!