Saturday, 18 August 2012

GAMOPHOBIA !!


Everytime I look at my parents, my soul lingers out of my body, gives me a hot iron shovel hit and reminds me that they are the main reason behind my marriage phobia. Yes I seem to be suffering from this abysmal and indefensible mental issue called the Gamophobia (note the ‘Game’ part of the term). 

When I say so about my family, one might think that I belong to a tumultuous family where melodrama is in the air and dramatic notes play in the background as the members throw brick bats at each other. You might even think of me as a girl who was a staunch rebel because of her situations at home and grew up listening to or writing angry girl songs. You might even try to picture my family as one where the children run around wailing while the adults pry against each other or have round table conference regarding ancestral property division. But no, my family was none of that because it lacked spice. It was the usual, keep your voices low because the neighbours are listening type. My family ran like clockwork where everyone fulfilled their duties as a member, exchanged pleasantries, had dinner together and then returned to bed so as to continue the same routine the next day, every day. I belong to an average Indian family. 

Now the reason why this turned me into someone who fears marriage is because an average Indian family is based on the legendary patriarchal system. In this system the man shouts and the woman tolerates his callousness only because he is a man. According to this system the woman believes that manhood grants its member the authority to dominate and point fingers at the other sex. Almost every Indian family follows this rule. When a man shouts, it is because you did something wrong and when a woman shouts, she shouldn’t because she isn’t a man. 

They say that a father is the first man in a girl’s life and a girl looks for the qualities of her father in the man she wants to spend her life with. Not that I hate my father, but I would never want my husband (if any) to be like him for if he happens to be that type, my marriage would last as long as Kim Kardashian’s, maybe shorter. My father is an amazing father, so amazing that while other kids tried to smooth paste their parents by telling them that both were equally loved, I would be choosing my dad over my mother. It had always been that way. But as I grew up I started seeing the bigger picture. My father is a typical husband. A husband who lives to take care of his wife and kids but does so by losing his temper on issue trivial but holding the fort when bulky issues appear. His anger seems to be at his nose and my mother has to drink it up whenever it runs, only because he is a man.

I can never allow a man to shout at me for random things and I can never erase it from my mind within seconds. I am someone who remembers criticism and the ugly words that has ever come out regarding me from any mouth. I am someone who cries revenge when hurt and making things right with me takes more than a simple smile or a formal apology. I wonder how my mother continues to live this way, happily sandwiched between the whims and fancies of her husband and her two children. It’s not that my father practices domestic violence or resorts to ill words, but angry tone regarding subjects the woman had no hand on, I find that uncalled for. 

The method my mother adopts to combat her anger or humiliation is put into action after my father has vacated the scene of crime. She does so by mumbling to herself and then forgetting this ever happened in the next 5 seconds. Sometimes she fights back with a low voice but still she lets my father win in the end. Maybe this is what marriage is. Adjustments, because you just cannot get out of it, sacrifices because it is the cardinal principle of marriage and tolerance because you as a woman are supposed to land out of the womb with this lesson already injected in you. 

I know that I should be a clever girl and try not to marry ever, because my marriage is never going to be a success if my man happens to follow the patriarchal system. I am not the type of woman who will happily listen to him complaining and spends her life trying to please him, only because I am supposed to. I should also not be pictured as a woman who dominates her better half or spanks him on his ass with a whip (bedroom play excluded). This is why my parents are hitting their 25th anniversary and I will be surprised if I ever hit my 1st.

Maybe I should be a nun, but then even that commitment to God seems patriarchal to me. 

P.S- Even perfection has minute imperfections you chose to ignore. My father is the perfect husband for my mother and she chooses to ignore his anger issues by calling it his way to take out the stress from work and having an unmanageable kid like me. Also society could never make me realize that now I was a grown up lady, but today I noticed my father’s receding hairline and his massive bald spot and it kicked me brutally. Adorable him!!!!
P.P.S- The last time I was this thin was when I was in my 10th grade. Gym is my second home and sexy clothes fit me!!!
P.P.P.S- Notice the new ‘Contact me’ widget on the side bar? Now you can mail me your queries or suggestions if any.

Image Courtesyfunnyfactory.cheezeburger.com

76 comments:

  1. I guess it's a generation issue.Our mothers were brought up thinking that male dominance is Ok and to be taken for granted. But we would never allow that to happen to us. And most of the guys today would think twice before raising their voice against their woman(or is it only my husband). Happy anniversary to your parents :)

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    1. I hope so too. I hope it is a generation issue! Thanks for reading :)

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  2. I can't tell you how badly I relate to everything you write.

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    1. I dont know whether I should be glad or sad :)

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  3. Exactly my reason to not believe in Indian marriages. I just won't be able to make it last if the husband sees me as his punching bag and stress buster.
    Lets all shift to New York and find our husbands there :P

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    1. when you are packing your bags lemme know, I shall run away from here!!

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  4. But things change, don't they?
    People are compatible , because they can accept each other in a certain way. So you don't necessarily need someone who is imposing over your throat..but someone who accepts you as you are.
    :) In the end, everyone does have a love-story. so don't worry! :)

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    1. I hope that my love story isnt such that it looks like a beautiful one to the society and a tragic one for me :P

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  5. haha :D I've been here after such a long time Red and must say, your humor nerve is younger and perkier than ever.

    And Rachana, count me in :)

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  6. Totally love the words on the photo!!

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    1. The post brings out so many emotions in me that I thought it would be healthier for you and your readers to not read it. ;-)

      But, something I would like to mention from my personal life. Growing up I witnessed domestic violence and a lot of things which would have made me go as astray as they show in the movies (I did not thanks to my mother and other 100 normal ppl I had growing up). After I left home for college I avoided it for almost 6 years and the reason was the fights but I obviously used to cover up with other exotic reasons.

      Now am Home. First time in 24 years I have spent 20 days at home without a fight! Very amusingly now my mother bosses around in the house. Certain things did happen which made my father realise my mother's value.

      I used to tell myself that I will never marry and site 'my parents marriage' as the reason. Then I got into a relationship (the true love one) with an educated person, class topper, very popular among his friends, seniors and other girls and I was subjected to extreme verbal violence (from which I am still recovering).

      My mother keeps insisting that marriage is all FATE and no one can change it.

      As scary as it sounds it might just be true.

      In the meanwhile, all girls should try to seal their careers. Because that and only that will ultimately count towards your personal happiness. GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH TROUBLE AM HAVING DOING THAT! hah. Life is so cruel but looks better when it is seen the Steve Job way (joining the dots)!

      Love you dear.

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  7. I HATE marriage....and i probably wouldn hate it so much if it werent for my parents who keep talking about it like it's some sort of a deadline in a girl's life...

    My mom's like, 'Learn to do household chores....be politer...mend your ways, you're reaching your marriageable age!'

    N dad's worse with his, 'Never mind..her in laws will tame her!'

    N i'm like 'With all due respect, mom n dad...FUCK OFF!'

    I would like it very much if i never married...would it be such a bad thing? I mean, I look around n lets face it..i dont see the love factor in any marriage...it's all an arrangement...individualities n dreams n personal wishes compromised on...Who says its mandatory?

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    1. My mom says the same. she is like 'if u behave this way, ur inlaws are gonna have a hard time taming you'
      what am I a domestic animal?

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  8. It's a generation isssue, I guess. But I have honestly never seen a marriage that is happier than my parents'.

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  9. I feel the same way. I don't know if I can adjust the way my Mom does. Not that I feel adjustment isn't essential, of course it is. But not at the expense of having to give in all the time. I think proper communication is necessary, but somehow I don't believe Indian men can deal with that. Hence, I don't know if my marriage will last long.
    Damn!

    Your post is like a "YES NOD' for all of us women I feel :D

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    1. hehehe..we all r wired the same way!!!

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  10. Hmmmm...Hmmmm.... tch. :D Same thing going on here. I have heard things like she'll send her man to the Himalayas. :P

    PS: Do you think law has anything to do with this? ;) :D

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    1. I think it does...we are too much into equal rights....and too much into Justice and liberty :P

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  11. I can fully agree to this whole post! I just discussed this with my mom a few days ago, and she spoke about being able to adjust, and learning to live with and love one another, despite all flaws, misunderstandings and problems. I found it quite hard to follow, but then my parents have always lead by example. Just wish I had the same level of patience, empathy and understanding!

    Or could it be that our parents simply worked harder at maintaining the relationship, while we are more likely to look for the shortest way out? I'm reminded of what I read some time back- A reporter asked a couple, 'How did you manage to stay together for 65 years?' And the woman replied 'We were born in a time when if something was broken, we would try to fix it, not throw it away.'

    Happy anniversary to your parents! :)

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    1. I loved the answer the woman gave to the reporter...but it takes a lot of will power and sacrifices!

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  12. hi Red! Your post is splitting at the seams with emotions - just they way you write!! After reading some of the comments, I feel REALLY old ;-) ! You see, I am married for over a decade, and I still have pangs of anger, and frustration at times.

    But most of the time, it is a partnership. One where I am good at many things (no - not only the cooking and cleaning, but also the changing the fuse and handling madical crises) and he is good at some (including making deadly biryanis). But it did not reach there from day one. Within the first year of marriage, I nearly walked out at the average frequency of once a month! And believe me, while there are days when I try and keep my TVs volume down for a stressed out husband, there are also days when G tip toes around the house when he is hungry at night, so that he doesn't wake me up! You'll find the One, dear! And happy annv. to your lovely parents! (phew!forgive the long comment)

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    1. hehehe I like long comments :) Btw I was mesmerized by ur comment...u and ur husband are one of the best examples of compaitibility and mutual respect!! I love and adore that fact :)

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  13. That is quite an interesting revelation. Patriarchal society...imperfect perfectionists...tsk tsk:P But we women do know how to take our sweet revenge. Have you not seen nagging wives? True, adjustment plays a HUGE part and so long as both the parties adjust in random, it is a great relationship. My husband is the same short tempered typical 'family' husband and i know where his noose lies;) You would get to know it once you get married, girl:P Marriage ain't that bad, after all. Only thing, you must have loads on love to shower on the man who in turn will be your darling:)))

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    1. heheh I want that love showered back too...not in the same amount but more. Thats where I go wrong :(

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  14. great analysis.. true indeed.. as generations change the patriarchal norm may also.. hope for the best and try catch an unconventional one;) but then no package is fully good n nice.. Love reading your thoughts!It is like I go back down the lane..

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    1. I look for perfection...even if I am at fault or hv innumerable imperfections. maybe thts my problem

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  15. I don't hate marriage nor am I afraid of it- but I don't want it. I don't see the point in a piece of paper having to validate a bond that you choose to share with someone. It's overrated, mediocre and just. Ick.

    I think each generation thinks one is worse than the other. I come under an average-indiany-family too except minus some of that indian part because I've been in NZ for most of my life.

    I can't seem to be in one relationship properly without people clinging on to me so marriage just times that by ten. Compromises, adjustments- they aren't words I'd be willing to take on board. Ever.

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    1. I feel that compromises and adjustments are ok if they are not imposed but done by you coz u want to. And these comrpomises shud never take ur essence out of u or change u into someone u r nt. thanks fr reading!!

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  16. Ah...the coming of age post. :)

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  17. All the best :)

    marriage is a lottery ..

    Bikram's

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    1. Nothing cud be truer than tht!!!!!

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  18. fuck man.fuck man.fuck man.
    today okay..bleddy today only i had a brilliant war at home with mother india on this whole marriage bruhahaha and now m reading this post.
    RED..i want to hug you and do some dumdeedum step..ehhh..i don't really know what that means..
    but still..it be my way of expressing that i am with you in all this SITUATION.

    i know how it feels to be staying with a man like my father..for whom GETTING ANGRY is like the ONLY way of expressing dissension..AND a mother for whom acting like a COW is the ONLY way of expressing subservience.

    sigh..i have a horrible phobia of the whole marriage system..and i reallly don't know how in the world am i going to manage to pull the entire thing off..poor would be husband of mine..

    love you molay..
    *tighhhhhhhhhhhhhhht hug*
    wokkayy breathe now..:P:P

    all the best sweetie..!!
    cheers!!

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    1. poor husband of ours babey!! well if our mothers cud go thru this with a happy smile, they might hv their reasons too. We might have ours :)

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  19. I completely agree with u red.. Great write up brave girl.. But wen i think of myself i m not yo type i m yo mom type as in an average indian girl ready for an adjustment for a successful marraige..:-) i think this way probably cos my parents had failed marraige so i dont want mine to be so. I knw being 20 at this age i talk lyk a granny but still..

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    1. if u r 20 and have this thinking. I RESPECT YOU. I hope u dont change with time!

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  20. This is exactly where I was about 5 years ago. Except, my dad isn't too patriarchal by nature, so my mom and dad were pretty much equals when it came to any kind of arguments or tiffs. Even so, I hadn't ever seen a truly happy married couple so I was feeling just the same as you were. My parents attitude towards getting me married soon was pretty much the same as yours.

    Now that I'm married? I have to say that it's totally overrated. It is definitely not the be all and end all. It may be an important milestone in life, of course, but by no means must it be the goal or the purpose of life.

    My suggestion? Don't rush into it. No matter what anyone says it's never to late to get married and there is no such thing as a 'marriageable age'. Take your time, because there will be hell to face if you get married to the wrong person at the wrong time.

    I got married at 25. Partly because I fell in love with the guy, and partly because I knew in the depth of my heart that I'm not the kind of person who could live alone. I'd be hopeless at managing my life all by myself. I needed a companion and I took the best one I could find. For the most part, he is a reasonable and good human being. The other parts are tolerable enough to be ignored. I know he feels the same about me. This is pretty much as good as it can get according to me. There is no such thing as a fairy-tale wedding.

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    1. well thr is this stupid thing caled jadakam...and mine gives me 2 yrs solitude :P and u telling me that marriage isnt a milestone..or the end, makes me smile :)

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  21. ha ha
    liked the posts as well as the coments .
    _gunjan kumar

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  22. This and the inevitable question..."does the girl know how to cook?"

    might be weird coming from a guy, but then, I was never the type to let something intolerable happen either.

    Maybe people should really stop marrying o_O

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    1. nah..maybe u can marry for all the celebration and then return to ur normal lives, as if it never happened :P

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  23. Good Post.

    I get scared of marriage thoughts too. For completely different reasons. Thankfully for me it's not anytime soon. Things that you think wouldn't work out well often have this tendency of running smoothly. So, we never know!

    And things are not the same anymore. The one you are going to marry is the so called 'new age man' not 'father's age'. Generation gap does the trick and changes things for the better. Male dominance has for long gone down the drain.

    Wish you luck! Do write about what marriage transforms you into!

    Sanket

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    1. hehe I will..but tht wud take atleast 2 yrs!

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  24. Typical home scene :)
    Don't worry..hope for the best :D

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  25. Marriage? *confused smiley* I dunno my take on it. :-|
    Haven't thought in detail, but well, I liked yours! :P
    You'll make a hell of a wife, no? :P
    All the best. :D

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    1. hell of a wife...hmm if it means a devilish wife..then yesss!!! :D

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  26. Now after reading this I feel good red, even i think the same way, my friends say,once u get married we will compromise on your own and never try to break tht, but to me i knw wht i am...

    Being so independent for quite long time, i cant accept someone who dictates me..


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  27. This is the least you can expect from a marriage Red!
    You gotto accept it!
    Of course, you will get your turn to shout too. You take it and give it back! :)
    take at look at this when u have time-
    http://harivatsava.blogspot.in/2012/08/game-of-balls-and-sticksand-holes.html
    would love to see ur comments :)

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  28. I couldn't couldn't couldn't agree more.. you have written my heart out!!
    hugs!

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  29. ok i don't think i should comment on this ,,,!! except for dude does your mom ever read your blog ? silly question once again i guess ,,,she doesn't right ?? lucky you damn you ,,!! loll

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    1. HAHAHA BEING ANONYMOUS HAS ITS PERKS!!!

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  30. This one was kinda awful and funny at the same time, Red.

    Anyway, I think the guys are matured enough now to respect independent women. You could always give them a spanking though if they go off track. None of us would mind that either, I suppose.

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    1. i hope so...otherwise I can fight my own divorce case u knw :P

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  31. i know i just saw your blog and this is crazy... but let's get married and have a baby

    sorry couldn't resist ! anyways i hear you on the marriage phobia mate. but i guess for different reasons... well if you ever reach 40 and still haven't married, well i will be there to give you company .

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    1. I shall consider ur offer sirjee!!!!

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  32. The reason your mother endures the temper is LOVE. Love is selfless, doesnt complain. Love makes you forget little moments of anger. Love makes you think your hot tempered man is the best husband ever. Love makes you stand up for him when you know that he is wrong. Love makes you scream at your parents if they say something bad about your man, even if you know it is true.
    I hope you find love and your perfect man !

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    1. I hope so toooo!! and maybe u r right :)

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  33. shouting at me makes me loose my cool and may b marriage is all about adjusting :p

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  34. This post sums up perfectly what is wrong with society today
    The unbalance is fatal

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  35. I can relate to it so much. We share common thoughts a lot, I am also planning to never get married :P

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  36. No, mostly it isn't an 'adjustment' ; it is a 'compromise'.
    A very opiniated post..

    -A Grain of Sand.

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  37. Boldly written. I would die a little every day if I was stuck in a typical Indian marriage as well. Maybe sometimes, love is not enough. You need something more. Understanding I suppose.

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  38. I too have had days when I ask the same question to myself. But then we should not ignore the fact that like women, men are advancing too. The awareness and boldness which many of us possess today, is acknowledged by a good lot of men. And I hope that none of get stuck with one who still lives 20 years behind in time. :-)

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  39. Hi Red,

    I know i am a lil late to comment. I am a silent reader of your blog and i never comment but i make sure to read all your posts.

    While reading this post i felt like i am reading my own journal(which i retort to when i am frustrated). This is exactly the reason why i dont want to get married. I simply cannot take some one's bashing for no mistake of mine even my parent's and ofcourse this will be applicable to guy in my life too. Both my parents are working and still my mom has to go thru what you mentioned above and the way to rebel is EXACTLY SAME!!!!!!!!!! I mean really what are our moms made of?

    And i am really happy to know that i am not the only one who thinks this way.... PHEW!!!

    So lemme know when Rachna and you booking the tickets to new york...*evil grin*

    Take Care
    B

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  40. A connect, does not disconnect, if corrected.

    Are humans becoming less adaptable/adoptable. Strange?!

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  41. Actually we women are extremely patient (though not seen much these days as they too shout on husbands ;P ) I don't think only husbands shout. There is a 50 50 probability that one shouts and the other stays calm , irrespective of gender but if both can't manage their anger - just imagine the situation. May be thats why one has to be calm. At my home my husband manages his anger- so now u know who is calmer :P :P !

    Marriage is a very complex thing. I know U feel edgy thinking abt it. I still have my doubts on it . .There are no answers to few questions before or after marriage. Only thing is in the long run it just becomes a part of your life and u shud feel lucky if you can pull it off with less friction

    Loads of love

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