‘Mediocre’ that is how I do not want to describe my life as. A blatant existence earnestly waiting for some turbulence to happen and catch me off guard. As a kid I remember asking my Grandmother if there was something she excelled at or followed as an interesting hobby. She would look at me from between those plastic jars she was filling with freshly made pickles and tell me that during her time she was not allowed to have hobbies. She just existed and fulfilled her duties as a woman, whatever that meant or included.
Then came the woman who introduced me to the world, my mother. I was forcefully enrolled into a music class by her during the early years of my school life. My Sundays were dedicated to a funny looking master with his colourful Harmonium, painstakingly trying to make a nightingale out of me. I never understood the concept of doing something you never enjoyed, even if you were good at it. Many a time I would find my mother humming the songs I was forcefully taught the previous Sunday and when sometimes I whined to her regarding my lack of interest in learning classical music, she would look at me with genuine sadness glinting in her eyes and remind me of her dream to learn music as a child, which I was now supposedly fulfilling. Offcourse, I opted out of it when I had enough of the man and his grating harmonium.
My father is a virtuous man whose life revolves around his family and the bank he works for. He believes in a stable existence and risks are something he admires when others take, but it has never been his cup of tea. Regular money pouring in every month, loan instalments being met sincerely, lands being bought as an investment, kids scoring well in their studies, the stock market being Bull market, needs of the family members being piously met; all of this and he is a content man. But does this satisfaction denote true happiness? How duties subjugate a man and deceive him unceremoniously. Everyone in my family, has lived a perfectly planned life. School check, college check, job check, marriage check, kids check and from there began kids school check, kids college check, kids job check. The list goes on till death reminds them that life ends unplanned anyway.
The point is that now I am at such a crossroads, where I have two options. Live a planned life like my family has, or not plan at all but live a beautifully unplanned one. For I do not want to be someone who was so shackled as to never even remember to have a hobby, or someone who relishes on seeing her child pursue a hobby she was not able to, or someone who is so crushed by moral and worldly duties that life became a balance sheet for him, which must tally at all costs.
One should not be compelled to know as to what step he/she is supposed take next. I am 23 yet clueless as to what I must become. Rejected some good job offers because I did not feel connected to the whole corporate lawyer scenario. Still blank as to what life demands from me. Well I did become a lawyer. Isn’t that a good enough achievement for now? Time is of essence, but let it not bind me. Life can wait for right now living is what I want to do.
P.S- No explanations for the hiatus. How are you guys?