Friday, 15 February 2013

DEAR CELLULITE




DEAR CELLULITE,

You and I have been in a relationship since the very inception of my life. From the jiggling baby bum peeking out of an overstretched bloomer to the teenage thunder thighs and even to the mature family pack abs, you have been with me or rather in me throughout.   We have always been there for each other and have stuck to each other through all odds that life had made me sit through. I remember how when I once fell down the stairs crashing right on my bum, you saved my bones with your fat cushion around my gifted waist. I remember how sympathetic you were after my first heartbreak and became the generous spare tire on my belly on which I kept my big bowl of Bourbon ice-cream while howling my heart out. You and I were inseparable. 

I had never seen you as a burden. Actually contrary to your assumption, I always saw you as an asset. You made me feel curvy in a sexy south Indian way and never fat. Never did I curse you when the ignorant folks around me called me obese and passed fat jokes around me. While they showered on me remarks like ‘elephant on heels’ or even poor jokes like ‘the physics rule of buoyancy is shown by you during swimming classes’, I always saw myself as a gifted diva. People were simply jealous of my curves. Amen!!

You know how I hate amusement parks. The joy-ride operators always made me sit alone on the seat for two at all the rides. They brutally told me that your overdose prohibited me from experiencing majority of the water sports. They tried to kill our love by warning me that the safety harness might not be able to restrict my weight from falling on the ground when the roller coaster stops midway to give us an upside down experience. They were true to some extent because my safety harness was half open by the time I landed safely on the ground. I was alive and declared my love for you with a few cream filled doughnuts. 

But you know how falling in love makes you feel beautiful yet totally conscious about your physical beauty. A man in love never actually cares about your physical beauty because he is in love with the whole concept that is you and you start being aware of how you actually look in the mirror. The mirror always lied to me but my camera always showed me as Precious’s little sister. No one actually cares about the inside beauty except for the surgeons who conduct autopsy. I wanted to be a Greek goddess which the man I liked worshipped like an obsession. I wanted to be a dream instead of looking like the Russian nesting doll. 

I know the cracks started showing in our 22yr old relationship on the 1st Dec 2011, the day I joined the gym. A strong believer of the religion called ‘FOOD’, I never even tried my hand on healthy eating since the pressure of our ‘hanging on the thread’ like relationship was too much in itself to handle. You knew I was deceiving you with the treadmill and cross-trainer sessions. I must admit, being in love you never gave me such a high like these two blokes give me. Oh the sweat made my skin glow and I proclaimed my love for them then and there! It was like a slow poison for you. You did not handle the breakup well. You stuck to me like leech even after all the indifference I showed towards you. I lifted weights to melt you down and did crunches to let you know that you couldn’t force me to stay in this relationship, while all I wanted was a divorce. You constantly pulled me down by making me suffer body pain but I knew it just meant that you were being forced out of my system.

As of today, we are still under judicial separation since our divorce will take a bit more time. From a 5’2 height girl of a pompous 80 kilos, to the present 64 kilos, I know I have miles to go before I can say that you and I are no more together. But I have never craved to be a size zero because my Dadi rightly says there should be something on a woman to hold on to (pervert alert). They closely resemble the toothpick I use to pick up the humble Paneer Tikkas and later break with no pressure of the fingers what so ever. I have never believed in the concept of starving myself or even eating right, for the world is filled with such succulent junks ready to just burst inside your mouth and sooth your palates. But before you see that as a beacon of hope, let me remind you that we are never ever ever, getting back together. Your mania towards me is yours to deal with because my fixation towards you was gulped down and out my system by Green Tea.

Don’t be sad! There is plenty of fish in the sea. Innumerable ignorant bodies awaiting your entry into them. But between us honey, Its over!

YOUR UNFAITHFUL EX,
Red Handed


52 comments:

  1. haha.. Hilarious.. enjoyed it :)

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  2. From 80 to 64. Thats really good.

    Interesting post. :)

    And don't you leave it to the world. There are may food-junkies (or as you say ignorant bodies) just like me. So, bottle it up may be, throw it in the ocean like a treasure that can't be found. :D

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    1. Hhahah maybe I am a bit selfish. I have spent so much of my life being fat that now I get sadistic pleasure seeing someone fatter than me. Its cruel, but I am human :D
      Thankyou sooo much for reading sirjee :)

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  3. Wow... Hilarious.. Missed these fun filled posts Red :) I love every word of what you have written and I should say I can write a miniature version of this at the least. So I can feel what it is. Anyway, I wish you all the best on your new found relationship with the gym and green tea ;)

    Keirthana

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    1. I sure did miss writing funny posts too!!! and I cant wait to read your version of this!!!

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  4. ‘the physics rule of buoyancy is shown by you during swimming classes’
    "No one actually cares about the inside beauty except for the surgeons who conduct autopsy."
    "Dadi rightly says there should be something on a woman to hold on to (pervert alert)."

    I really missed these kinda lines in your posts. Welcome back to the old Red Handed..;-)

    I think most dhadhi's are that way. It's ok to be over-weight, but a firm no-no if you are under-weight.

    And the picture seems to say, "Die Fat Die" than "Cry fat Cry"..:P

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    1. Hhahah even I missed humour posts!!! Glad to b back and to be heard that I still have it in me! And yes DIE FAT DIE it is!!!!

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  5. Great writing!
    I've heard it that men don't like skinny too,why it's believed they like women that are skin and bones I have not got a clue,do you?

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    1. NO IDEA!!! But i am glad to be surrounded by folks who dont like it skinny :D

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  6. hilarious post!! :)
    from 80 to 64..that's quite an achievement.. :)

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  7. This is one of your bestttttttesttt posts ever !!! Enjoyed each and every line ..! 64 kilos now? So cool..! Another 6 kilos and you can logon to Myntra and confidently place orders on any dress of SMALL size and loook SEXY. YES SMALL SIZE. Kudos to u girl..!

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    1. ME AND SIZE S???????? Ok Now I am going to sweat the 6 kilos out!!! Hahaha thank you for reading!!!!

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  8. Hahaha... I'm one such ignorant body, not letting my relationship break... I go in for small break-ups (relationship ups and downs) and bang! Back we are with our love....
    Hope someday I will also be in a position to write sduch a huge loss attained...
    Good luck for your divorce... :-) :-)

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    1. I pray for your divorce too!! Hhahaha I am sure you wouldnt mind that :D

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  9. @Rehanded: :) Totally inspiring and awesome post !!

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  10. lol! red handed u r simply too good! hope u r able to get over your ex soon enough :P

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    1. Heheh thanks Sarah! He is over and out!!!!

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  11. LOL! Girl- happy to have you back!

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  12. :) that was a great read. For the first time ever, I read a break up story smiling wide.
    Be careful, there are a few people who get back in relation with their ex, a few months after break up.
    May you two remain unfaithful to each other & separated for ever and ever.

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    1. Thankyou for wishing the best for me :) Glad you enjoyed this one !!

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  13. you are always a delight to read,,,twists and turns,plz usse ctrl + to zoom in for my page.Sorry for trouble and waiting for your comments.

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  14. LOL! Saved you, acted like a cushion and sexy in a south indian way...Being in shape in something I always crave for.

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  15. Be brutal! That's okay Cellulite is Not worth the relationship:)

    How have you been Red? :) Missed reading your posts.

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    Replies
    1. Heeh..I have been busy but good!!! How about u!!!

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  16. First time on this blog. Liked the idea of this love affair with cellulite. I have had one too and have recently survived the "divorce" as you call it. But believe me, thin is NOT beautiful. Ask any south Indian man- his fantasies revolve around cellulite ! One more serious note, the female hormone progesterone requires fat to carry it around. So when you lose weight or become think you are also losing your feminity ! So lets keep that relationship alive.

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    1. Ok maybe...I will keep an off and on relationship with him...totally selfish purposes ! :D

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  17. Haha, that was hilarious. :D
    And from 80 to 64. Hey, now that's some achievement. ;)

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  18. Hey,
    Just dropped by to say 'Hi'.
    And Yeah! You have been awarded the 'Liebster Blog Award'.

    Please follow the link below:

    | Ajay Kontham | Photography |™ ©

    Take Care and Keep Writing.
    Cheers. :D

    Regards,
    Ajay Kontham

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    Replies
    1. NOW THAAAAAANKU!!!! Everyone looooooves awards!

      Delete
  19. You have been given the Liebster Award here - http://jojofeelings.wordpress.com/2013/02/25/liebster-angel/

    ReplyDelete
  20. You have been given the Liebster Award here - http://jojofeelings.wordpress.com/2013/02/25/liebster-angel/

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh wow quite an interesting. unique and humerous way to put it all!! lolz

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  22. Brilliant piece of writing, Red. Loved every bit of it. And really, you went from 80 to 64? That's fabulous. Now only if I could reach 50 somehow, Sigh!

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  23. You are completely missing the current trend sweetheart, as my girlfriends would put it "Fat Amy is a legend" and justify eating one more piece of pie to follow the trend.

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  24. Omfg. You are a genius! No two ways about it. I love this. You're hilarious

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Spit It Out I Say !!!