Saturday, 1 June 2013

Coming out of the Closet.....




I just couldn’t take it anymore. The pressure of the studies, the presence of too much spice in life and the suffocation of being trapped at home right after a superb college life is unnerving in itself. To put a ribbon on all this frustration are my parents waiting for a nod from my side to get me a groom.  At one point I was so frustrated that I allowed them to do whatever they want, which in turn awarded me a paid profile in the Kerala Matrimony site. In a 3 mth membership in that horrendous site, I was bombarded with 72 proposals with half of it from divorcees, or as one called himself ‘a young innocent divorcee’. The rest remaining consisted of 45+ aged uncles and those of my age had moustaches which were either twisted upwards in a way that defied gravity or were long enough to be braided. Imagine a wife braiding the macho muccha of her hubby on their first night. Romantic? Ugh!

So ones the 3 mths paid membership was over, I set my foot down and said ‘ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!’. I have a life after all, if not an epic one. I told my mother to pass on the message to my Iron man father, that his daughter wants no discussion on marriage till she bags the job she is studying for and has made enough bucks to demand a massive dowry from the boy. They were defensive at first but after looking at the success rate I got from the matrimonial site, they agreed to slow down a bit.

And the ‘slow down’ period remained in force for 6 mths after which my 23rd birthday was celebrated. The alarm on my mother’s head was triggered by some treacherous relatives, according to whom, a girl starts losing her freshness after a certain age and before that she has to be married off to a man with money, like religion, like caste and if possible a good character. I was a now a fruit decaying slowly and I needed a considerate buyer. FUCK THEM ALL!

I am a 23 yr old gorgeous woman! For me I am gorgeous, to hell with everyone who thinks otherwise. Actually, no one is supposed to think otherwise. I have a life to live, make money enough to be able to buy some Gucci shoes and I want to write a disastrous book that still makes it to the best seller list! 

But, a few days back my mother asked me to give her a nice photo of mine which could be pasted on the matrimonial site once it’s renewed yet again. What atrocity is this!!!! I just couldn’t go through the whole ‘HELLO I AM A YOUNG INNOCENT DIVORCEE. PLEASE MERRY ME’ stage.

So, I asked my mother to sit down and look me in my eyes. I held her gently and told her ‘Amma, this might come as a shock to you but I am not sure whether I like boys. I think I am into girls. I am a lesbian’.
EVEN THAT DINT WORK!!! GODDAMMIT!!!!!

P.S- I am straight as a scale. And No I can never imagine myself with a girl. Ughhh!! Not that I am against homosexuality. Hell I even had a lesbian friend once. Yes once. 

P.P.S- I guess this qualifies to be a rant.  




83 comments:

  1. :P

    "till she bags the job she is studying for and has made enough bucks to demand a massive dowry from the boy."

    That's a great one! :D Even I've wondered why don't girls demand dowry from boys. But I'm sure that if you do so, you'll be surprised to find so many 'noble' souls who are absolutely against the practice of dowry. :D

    Just the last night I was denied the bliss of some delicious food by some extended relatives who were invited for dinner. The only thing their mouths seem to do other than working on the food was to enlighten me on the necessities of marriage. And no... I didn't deliberately put the sourest of mangoes in their dessert. It was merely an accident. No wonder I recognize a rant when I see one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Offcourse the sour mangoes were the result of an innocent acciden. :P And yes, I shall demand dowry. Man m a frigging lawyer!! Soon too be judge!

      Delete
  2. ahahahaah !!! Oh man . What a rant :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lol, I too am a gorgeous 23-year old and seriously, this marriage issue is so fucked up.
    I couldn't agree more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! I got company...Misery looves company.

      Delete
  4. Haha..What was your mom's reaction after the lesbian comment? I'm sure my entire clan will hang themselves if i say anything close to that. And i'm surprised to see the high divorce rate in India. May be everyone who's divorced gets on to the matrimony site to MERRY YOU.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Means I am the hot cake everyone is chasing? :D. Hhahah man!!!!
      and my mother asked me 'how dare you talk to me like that' as a reply to my lesbian comment.

      Delete
  5. :-( You know I would have laughed at it all...but I don't like the idea of someone being forced into something...I felt bad reading all this... there are just way too many check-boxes to tick while looking for a prospective groom (or just call it 'prospect'..hell it sounds like a business deal anyway!)
    //I am a 23 yr old gorgeous woman! For me I am gorgeous, to hell with everyone who thinks otherwise. Actually, no one is supposed to think otherwise. I have a life to live, make money enough to be able to buy some Gucci shoes and I want to write a disastrous book that still makes it to the best seller li st!

    Agreed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is sad case indeed. But I will survive...and emerge victorious!!
      *STARTS PRAYING*

      Delete
  6. (Martian learning the ways of the earthling reads "... a girl starts losing her freshness after a certain age....." and thinks to itself "I guess this is what they call 'photosynthesis'"...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hhahaahahhaahahah.....now that was hilarious

      Delete
  7. This stage of mine was HELL. Pure HELL. Atleast your mom looks into your eyes and listens to you. Mine is a different story. :-/ But finally I found my guy myself and I dint have to succumb to the nerds and goofy dumbheads they brought as 'proposals' for me !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now should I be jealous or should I be jealous :P...

      Delete
  8. Wandered into the blog world after so long and I am glad I read you first. Cause apart from the fact that you always leave me with a smile... I think you and I are living the exact same life - my life being only a year behind - and I getit. I tried the same; she did not believe me. -_-

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Man I am glad you found it decent enough to be read. And mothers.....sigh!!

      Delete
  9. yeah the self-motivation talk always works... I plan to use the 'lesbian' line on my mother too when this phase starts...heeheheh...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trust me it wont work...they will reply with 'HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT '.

      Delete
  10. I was about to correct merry until I realized...

    well, you know

    Stay Blessed ^_^

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ah, parents must not be too hard on their kids, with something as important as marriage, as it is a life changing decision. Talk to them, is all that I can say. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right now I have kept them on halt....hope it lasts for long.

      Delete
  12. Couldn't stop myself laughing out loud when you described the 3 months of your paid membership :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Everyone laughs at my misery :( :P

      Delete
  13. Freshness?? Seriously?

    Hell yeah, you are gorgeous.

    Oh those kerala matrimony sites can easily be a catalog for different styles of mooch. At times, different colors too. Believe you me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do believe you!!! Especially the mallu men are very adventurous with their mooocha

      Delete
  14. my dear RED darling, this phase SUCKS.
    stand by your word my dear comrade. you will come out of this battle victorious.
    my blessings are wizzzz you.
    you are only 23 for pete's sake !!!!!
    i had to struggle to convince my parents.
    thankgod its all over now.
    you will make it my love, you will make it.

    CHEERS !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NOW NOW NOW..There is the comment which made me smile. Thanks lovely!!

      Delete
  15. Oh red, i am searching for Mr, right from past 2 years. Parents atleast you can talk but these relatives.. trust me they are so painful..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha.....true man...relatives are a pain. I wish they dint exist.

      Delete
  16. "Imagine a wife braiding the macho muccha of her hubby on their first night", Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you the Gorgeous Ms.Red. Who else can imagine such things. :-)

    You are into girls..?? Hi-five. Me too. :P

    Actually this was my idea too, if ever my parents try to force me into marriage. Although I feel pretty bad for many Indians being homophobes, it sometimes comes in handy. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hhahaha....as much I wish right now that I was into girls...m not :(
      Hi 5 anyway!!!

      Delete
  17. she was not ur lesbian friend ,,,!! u were so afraid of her all the time u r homo phobic,,,,!!! tough i m of the opinion that all girls should be part lesbians ... that just ups thier sexy quotient by 100 thousand times.!!!1 u should definately atleast conside atleast thinkin in ur mind kissing another lady u know ... they r not that bad .. ask me // i have had the good fortune to have kissed a few lady lips ...they r lucious and juicy and very much desirable... trust me ...!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chup karo...she was lesbian only... :D and no I dont want to kiss a girl..ughhh! God!!! Brrrrr!

      Delete
  18. Looks like you were a very obedient person while growing up, and your parents took that for granted when they thought of your marriage. I am male and 23, but thankfully my north-Indian parents are not that concerned with marriage.

    You summed it all for anyone who tries controlling out lives: FUCK THEM ALL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. for men 23 yrs is kid phase..They will start pestering you once you reach 26.... word!

      Delete
  19. Haha freshness? I understand what you are going through but you are just 23!! A long way for you to go girl. Still laughing at the matrimonial descriptions you gave.
    And that's right.. relatives are the dangerous ones that spoil our parents.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I think Marriage is really the line where we start demanding life of our own choice.Parents can't seem to understand this under the burden of responsibility which fucks up their mind.

    All the best! (Not for finding a groom.. for the job!)

    This too shall pass..... :]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes this too shall pass. I am gonna be a judge soon and abolish this institution called marriage

      Delete
  21. Hahaha your Mom is unbelievable :D :D Maybe you can just add this tiny bit of info on your profile :D :D :D "Innocent lesbian looking for a match" :P :P
    You are gorgeous and you will get a match you will love :D I can already feel it :D Good luck with crazy relatives until then!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thankuuu for the awesome idea. I will do that :D

      Delete
  22. It is a rant which does make sense which is more than I can say for a lot of rants.
    Anyway,poor you on the lesbian trick not working.Wily parents to have learnt the ways of their young.
    And I hope this works out for you and you get the kind of mancake you want and you should tell your parents to kindly step off the matrimonial-website wagon...it sounds scary.
    What happened to the good old family-gossip-circle groom-finding??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Man that is also happening side by side. So its like double trouble for me.

      Delete
  23. LOL on the mustache description and seriously demand dowry. BTW, you are 23, you can easily pass 5 years before thinking about marriage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 5 yrs? I mother willl faint if you ever tell her so :D

      Delete
    2. LOL! Ok, we will settle for 3 then :D

      Delete
  24. I am a 23 yr old gorgeous woman!


    yes that i agree with... you are gorgeous ,,,!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh God! I can so totally relate to this. I have the same scene going on in my house. I keep looking for reasons to postpone this impending matchmaking site doom! Saying I am a lesbian will have catastrophic effects, so thats just out of the window! :(

    If you do find a reason that works, please share!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am doing my research..will get back to you :D

      Delete
  26. You are just 23 and studying, why marry so young!? Start working.. give yourself a couple of years.. and then look out. It will take time to find someone, have an amazing courtship and THEN marry! There, you have a plan that you can tell your mother :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SIGH!!! Your comment was like a fairytale to me. So awesome. My mother will faint though..courtship? gahahahahaha

      Delete
  27. Yeah... I'm lucky in that my Asian Mother not only didn't hinder me from spending time with friends and having a girlfriend BUT she doesn't want grandchildren or is pressuring me into entering marriage.

    Way too many stupid parents who don't let their kids date, and yet are constantly asking for grandkids.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Man everyone outside asia...or atleast outside south asia are lucky bums!! INCLUDING YOU!!! Here you can date after marriage :P

      Delete
  28. I am first time on your blog and it was fucking awesome to be here! And your life is certainly not epic but it's still fucking awesome!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hhaahah welcome to my blog...and thanks boss!

      Delete
    2. I had subscribed to follow-up comments and now my inbox is filled with your replies to comments! ( I envy how you can manage so many comments :P and how you became so popular! )

      Delete
    3. Oh man!! Hhahaha...bad choice! You shudnt have subscribed. Plus if its of any consolation, my popularity decreased considerably. I used to get above 100 comments earlier. then I took a break and now noone likes me :/

      Delete
  29. Honestly, your writing is just plain sexy.
    :P

    ReplyDelete
  30. Parents are always so eager to get their daughters married.
    I hope you manage to survive :)
    Good luck :)
    And despite of being called a ranting, i loved this post :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall manage to survive!!!! thanks babe.

      Delete
  31. Don't you give in. girl! Say no to Mallu unkils and yes to a job. Financial independence over a lifetime of grinding spices and making curries.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TRUE THAT! Nothing without some money in my hand...Money belonging to me!

      Delete
  32. you are too young..and the game has just started for you.. i've been there, still fighting since last 4 years! wait till u are on the other side of 25!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn!! You are a survivor...Gimme lessons!

      Delete
  33. I'm 20. And a guy. And my mom thinks I'm going to be married in a *few* years.
    Tell them you've found someone and you'll introduce them once you're ready to get married. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then that would be the end of the guy :P

      Delete
  34. Oh well.. This post put words to the situation at home.. I tried the "coming out of closet" as suggested by my sister (who is 6 years younger). My parents only started laughing..

    Now, close to 25, I am waging a different war altogether !!

    Cheers to all the soldiers out there, in similar battles !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Means you are a veteran when it comes to fighting this battle!!! RESPECT!!!

      Delete
  35. Marriage really is an issue at your home right now :P
    And that picture is just for the quote ? Or do you watch Game of Thrones ? If no, you should really give it a try, Its awesome :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I DOOOOOOO...And I love it! Hi5!!

      Delete
  36. "a girl starts losing her freshness after a certain age and before that she has to be married off to a man with money, like religion, like caste and if possible a good character." - Dayum.

    I studied feminism in college as a part of my course work. Call it a consequence but every time i come across situations like yours, it inflames me. I burn in anger for this shitty discrimination reducing a girl to a "fruit" losing its freshness who can be approached by any "young innocent divorcee" with a creepy moustache.

    All I would say is that NEVER let go of this confident attitude. Never.

    And doesn't matter if it qualifies as a rant. I still enjoyed reading it. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It inflames me too..But I cannot show that rudeness to the parents you know. It sucks...Indian courtesy and stuff :/

      Delete
  37. Good post. Reminds me of my current situation. I have arguments, ugly discussions with my parents on a daily basis. They fail to understand my views. IF a guy likes you you have to accept it no matter how the guy is. If you reject a guy, society will think bad about you. A girl is recognized with respect only if she is married else she is of bad morals.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AMEN TO EACH AND EVERY WORD!!!!The blame is always on the girl

      Delete
  38. Every one has to pass this stage someday and I think you are too. And the paid membership of finding a partner is a new way in this generation - like it or not , just face it :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. " the girl loses freshness after certain age...." I can kill that relative. Sorry.
    I can imagine how frustrated you would be feeling. Why do age matters for marriage? Why are our parents so in hurry to marry us off?
    Thank God in my caste girls are not married before 24. Compared to other caste who marry of girls at 19 we are far better.
    Its funny you tried to convince your mother that you are lesbian. :D
    But I will wish luck that you can put off marriage for some more time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wont b married before 24 either. Its just the process is starting..that too sucks :/

      Delete
  40. Dude, I can so commiserate with you!
    Umm...my parents haven't yet started to talk about marriage to me, because they think I'm just 21 and still juvenile, but all my elder cousines panic now, whenever they get a call from home.


    Sigh* mujhe toh life mein sirf ek badi si movie-type love story chahiye :)

    ReplyDelete
  41. crazy funny!!! if at all I was sitting on a sofa would have fell off laughing!
    and about being lesbian-as a prank my friend made a status update from my facebook acc. stating today I accept I'm a lesbian .My Mom called me up. blasted me like crazy. later after a few days told me she would accept me if I'm a lesbian.I had to tell her my guy crush's name to prove that Im not a lesbian and that it was a prank. and Yup a relative on facebook ratted me out to my mom!

    ReplyDelete

Spit It Out I Say !!!