Tuesday, 22 October 2013

THE GRANDFATHER'S BED...



 Sometimes we give life to things. Things that are lifeless if it weren’t for the unreasonable emotions associated to them. We see these things as a Time Travel machine, capable of taking us back in time to the memories of the past and the warmth derived out of it. 

I have heard of people who prefer hoarding a part of their Almirah with old cards, hand written letters, black & white photographs, granny’s hand knitted sweaters and what not. All because it has a connection to their past, a happy past.  

But I have never spared an emotion for things, or so I thought. I have never saved up a birthday card or a friendship band. I have never had a shelf filled with ugly gifts given by friends too important to force me into holding on to them. I have even thrown away old photographs because the photo albums with their plastic cover wearing off seemed too drab even inside the cabinet. I am not emotional, per se.

My relationship with my grandfather was like a toggle switch, having no middle ground. I loved him seldom, hated him mostly. Thinking about it, I know he deserved more warmth from my side. Not that I can bring a change now except pray that his soul rests in peace.

For every chance he utilized to pull me down, I cursed him silently. For every episode of his filthy cursing directed at my parents, I wished him pain. For every time he hit my grandmother, I prayed for his lonely death. And that is how his end came. In pain, alone except for his wife. It was not supposed to turn out that way. God did it and then happily placed the albatross around my neck. It has been 7 years since.

We shifted to a separate house 4 years back and while we replaced all the furniture with new in style ones, somehow we did not let go of my Grandfather’s bed. While the family saw it as a gentle reminder of the once patriarch of the house, I saw it as a leather whip of guilt. I saw it as a constant reminder. We chopped off its legs and placed it in the drawing room as a royal floor diwan, appreciated and copied ever since by everyone who visited our place. If only they knew about its past.

Yesterday we decided to sell it. “OLX mein bech de” my brother said and that is what I am planning to do. I am planning on selling it away. I am planning on selling my guilt away, I am planning on selling all those repulsive memories away and I am planning on giving away the comfortable pain I derive by sitting on it. But I am also planning on keeping the few warm memories attached to the man who breathed his last on it. All for 15,000/-.

So am I attached to things, you ask. I choose to not answer that.


49 comments:

  1. Wow you are different from the general public in every way. I know not a single person who does not keep old greeting cards ! And this piece of furniture looks good ! Floor diwans are comfortable and look wise very trendy. I'm sure it will sell itself.

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    1. Hahah yes I am quite different like that. Yes hoping it sells itself!!

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  2. My grandpa was a nice man too but I couldn't shed a single tear the day he passed away. My eyes went dry. Everyone around stared wide at me but there was no pain in me for his loss that day. I often miss him and reminisce the good days I had with him, but there is a little corner of guilt that I had no attachments with him.
    His bed still sits in his room and every time I'm there, I feel his presence around. Don't know if that will ever go away.

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    1. Well sometimes we surprise ourselves. right? and I too feel his presence but I am sure you would want that presence felt too!

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  3. Such a candid post! I love the way you have shared it just the way you feel...
    I am so glad that we have memories to fall back on. No matter whether the 'things' remain or not, memories make their presence felt all of a sudden and remind us.

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    1. Yes!! Memories have a way of coming at you when you least expect and then they haunt you for long. Thank you so much for reading :)

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  4. :) Looks very nice. ! lots of love from Pakistan

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  5. beautiful read.. this is quite different from your other posts. i identify with you, i had purposely kept a sandal krishna in my bedroom purposely, to remind me, that i oblige . will write about it some time. beautifully written.

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    1. Do write about it. You know I would looooooooooove to read!

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  6. RH, I read this one twice. Strikingly honest. Each of is carry around us some sense of guilt from the past. The ones that can never be undone again and for which there is no easy absolution are the ones that pain the most.
    I admire your courage in posting this write.

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    1. Thank you for reading :)
      Yes sometimes there is no easy absolution...but most of the times we are the reason behind that.

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  7. I am very attached to things but there is always a point that I throw them. It's like memories are wearing me down. But you know, we can throw/sell things but can we erase memories?

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    1. You hit the eye! Yes things do not erase the memories...but sometimes you get reminded of the memories a few times lesser when that thing is not present.

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  8. I am a hoarder when it comes to things that hold a few good memories. But, I have now learnt to hold on to the memories, sans the objects/things, fearing I will turn our house into a museum soon.

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    1. Hhahah good choice..Now I feel guilty for not being a hoarder actually.

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  9. I hoard a lot of things! Eventually, mom throws it off :P I found that more than a passion for keeping it, I have a dislike for throwing it away.. I could identify with your emotions, I cannot bring myself to love someone when they are not good to me :(

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    1. Ya love...I was a child then and children are not supposed to feel that way. Feel that kind f hate. But circumstances circumstances!

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  10. I am emotional and I tend to get attached to lots of things. I loved the candidness and the openness in this post. Beautifully expressed.

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  11. So you wrote about it. :-) Memories make even the most inanimate of things to come to life, don't they. It's not wrong to be attached to things, especially when there are memories associated with them. Just not so much that it brings pain to us or others around us.

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    1. You are right. But we have a very bad habit of not giving up...even if it kills us!

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  12. I don't like to put memories or life into things, because things don't stay with us forever. A little off context, but likewise I don't believe in lucky charms of any sort because we invest so much faith in it, that without the charm, we feel unlucky. I guess to relate back to topic, memories are in the heart, and not in any object. So throwing away any object doesn't necessarily mean to throw memories away, I think it just means to let go rationally.

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    1. I too do not believe in lucky charms. and so true that throwing away things cannot erase memories....but they make them haunt u lesser.

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  13. Hmm, 15000 isn't bad :P
    I'm sorry for my bad sense of humour, but you're to blame :D

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    1. hahaha you can put that blame on me!!

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  14. I am very emotional and cling to things. I am one of those people whom you described - hoarding gifts from ever since I can remember dedicating half of my cupboard to it. I do that because the memories they flash before my eyes are the ones I really cling to. I know they will have a perish date yet I wanna do it as long as they go.

    However, I can also understand how you take these things. Some people are capable of just preserving the memories without any memoirs. You are like that and it is a good thing :) And as for the guilt, I would say let it go. Yes, all that happened has happened. There were regrets and if-only's. But now, the only thing that has a chance is letting go.

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    1. Now you made me feel good about myself. Yes maybe I preserve memories and dont need things to bring me back to them. Yes I shall let go...with time :)

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  15. Yeah... I'm just only really attached to my PC. I'd lose my mind without it.

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    1. Hhaha isnt that everyone's state of mind?

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  16. Icky relationships are such a hard road to meander through. Particularly when they are gone, the ire has fizzled down, and the hate does not have a target anymore. Its kind of getting lost. Letting go becomes impending then. Glad you're doing the same.

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    1. Thank you for reading and understanding :)

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  17. honestly i dont know why would you feel guilty...you dint feel good about him because usually he dint give you a reason to do so, on the other hand, an old man deserves some discount for whatever pain he has caused..you left me confused . But i loved the honesty..and of course the true RH writing

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    1. Well guilt sometimes requires no reason..It is such an unwanted emotion. Thank u soooooooooo much for reading!

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  18. This post got me all emotional and stuff...

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  19. I keep cards but I don't know where they are. The last time I looked at them was when we shifted home.
    My parents on the other hand are obsessed with keeping old things in the house. You won't believe the kind of garbage I threw out when we moved to the new house. And still they fight with me to keep so many things that have no business to be in the house.
    I can write a post on my trauma.

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    1. We all believe in holding on to things right...Glad to know you are like me.!! Write a post soon!

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  20. If he was horrible to you, I dont think you should feel guilty about not loving him as much. You did what you could. You remained silent and endured his abuses. Respect and love needs to be earned, and it doesnt look like he earned it. You did your part and you should be proud of that. Don't feel that you owe him anything more.

    This is a very honest post, and I hope that makes you feel empowered :-)

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    1. Thank you. You comment made me feel good. Thank you sooo much!!

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  21. Sometimes our memories of people become really strongly associated with related objects and it really confounds us emotionally. Happens to me with a lot of my late grandmother's kitchen items that I still have.

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  22. P.S. Now following your amazing blog. Sorry I hadn't done it sooner.

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    1. Hey thank you...You follow only when a person deserves it. I am glad to know that I did. :)

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  23. Sometimes we cling to whatever is left. Despite the pain. Letting go is the right thing,but a tough decision. Glad you got there. Nice post :)

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  24. Red.... New levels of respect for u dudette ..... The honesty of ur post is overwhelming and the way u've handled such a sensitive topic is humbling. God bless

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  25. Its ok to not feel attachment to few things. I appreciate for writing it out. I wish I wrote few similar lines like these. My experiences r too similar (not beating grnd ma part though)

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  26. The honesty in words is your biggest achievement! Even though we are totally in control of our feelings towards others, there are times, when we simply cannot alter it. I can relate to this cos there are some people in my family whom I hate for their partiality but love them at the same time for some reason. I feel guilty for hating them and later for loving them.. sell it; tats the best thing u can do!!!

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Spit It Out I Say !!!