Thursday, 23 January 2014

POLISHING SCHOOLS......



Have you heard about Polishing schools? The type of schools mostly for young women, that focuses on teaching etiquettes and cultural norms as a preparation for her entry into the adult society? Have you heard of such schools?

If you are a girl, with no reference to a particular age here, you are unknowingly a part of a finishing school. The home that you are born into is your finishing school while your entire family are the teachers. You do not enrol into this course because you are just born into it. Hell, you do not even pay for it. 

This finishing school that you are unwittingly a part of has only one course to offer. A course of an undetermined length preparing you for a hassle free, divorce free and domestic violence free marriage. Still do not get me?

Do you remember the age of 18 when you were just angry at everything and life just completely sucked? It still does, but that is not the point. Do you remember how you would be simply angry at your mother, your father, your dog, your tailor and even at Ramu Kaka the driver? Precisely everyone? And do you remember how your mother poked you and told you “With this behaviour, if you are married off to another house, you would probably be thrown out by your in laws.

Do you remember how you hate having rice, especially the big fat south Indian rice and you declare that no matter what happens you would never consume that dreadful rice? Do you remember how your grandmother declared “What if you get married to a guy who lives on this big fat rice? What is he loves it so much that he mistakes it for oxygen. What will you do then? You must consume rice.”

Do you remember how this one time your family was invited for dinner by someone whose name you constantly forget and they served you Malai Kofta, Paneer bhurjee, Dahi Vada and how you bluntly told them that you hate milk products? Do you remember how later that day your grandfather frowned at you and told you how you shouldn’t be so stubborn because your food habits will change according to the family you marry into?

Of course you don’t remember any of this, because all that happened with me.

And I say “to hell with this finishing school”. Why would you marry into a family that cannot accept you with your anger, stubbornness, your outspoken attitude and decides to throw you out? Why should you have rice because your guy likes to stuff himself with big fat rice? Let him have his rice, I will have my prized Chappathi. Why should I start drinking milk because the family I might marry into has a herd of cows in their backyard? Let them drink it all. Good for them! Why should I change?

Adapting to a new family and to a new phase of life is nice. But a forceful change that rips out your individuality and your personal choice is not a wise thing to do. And besides isn’t marriage a two way commitment?  Let the man throw away his anger, his rice porn and become anti-lacto. Then I would call it an equal world.

Because I am not a Goat, Mister! You cannot give me away and pray that they like my make. I am a Tigress. I mark my territory Sir!!



P.S- I shall die a spinster. Thank you!
P.P.S- Appeared in court as a Lawyer for the first time today. Felt good being the youngest around. Consumer Court Case.







97 comments:

  1. Oh, i hate such sentences from elders. Love the concluding part; Go rule your kingdom girl. Congrats on the first appearance in court. :)

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  2. You gutsy!
    I admire you for what you are!
    Wish a very successful career ahead! :)

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  3. Had an almost exact moment today.. My mom called up and I was complaining about how my roommate uses a lot of oil to cook and I have to eat it, so she asked me how I will get adjusted after I get married and the guy likes oily food. I told her if that is the case then we will be cooking our own food. She kinda got very upset after that.

    I never thought about this, this is so so true. Especially after 16. Trying to tell us to cook and all.
    The grand-mothers and grand-fathers can turn any event into a "how-will-you-blah-blah-blah-after marriage" conversations.

    Seriously RED, how do you come up with these thoughts ??
    Wonderful as always.. :) :)

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  4. fantastic post, so agree! and congrats on your first court appearance!

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  5. OMG, you have so many problems.
    RED... marry someone, become an AAM-Aurat then you will have no this list of problems.
    (I mean, you will have AAM Problems)

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  6. Awesome.

    Tigress, you are indeed. No doubt.

    I hope you don't get the P.S. situation , ever.

    And great. The youngest lawyer in the block. :) And well on blogger as well, are you not ?

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  7. good for you! by the way was the case in any way related to rice, milk and a lot of angry people?

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  8. Yo! That's what a girl, a woman must be like! And congrats for the first day in court! :)

    A lovely and perfect post. :)

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  9. Hey young lady congrats for your first appearance in court *as a lawyer * ;)

    Man!! how do you get thoughts of putting forth such petty but striking points??

    Tigress need not die spinster, somewhere some tiger is made for you :)

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  10. Tigress indeed. I've begun to see traces of me in you now :)

    If a man deserves you, he will marry all your fetishes too!

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  11. thats such a true post.. I get that every time from my elders! And I don't think i'll change for anyone, be it my eating habits or other likes and dislikes. compromises are anyway many! :D

    @rice-porn... how to did you even think of that word :D :D Lol

    great post as usual! :D

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  12. Have your own identity and the man who deserves to be with you shall appear:) Best of luck in the new career!

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  13. Congratz on the first day in court.

    And the tigress in you will definitely find the right one who accepts and adores you for who you are :)

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  14. That's why I vote for love marriages... there is some compatibility atleast

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  15. At a certain age we do mark our territory and give utmost importance to our likes and dislikes. But believe it or not, it is also true that once you find love, you will find the things he loves to be acceptable. It may not become your favorite, but it will be reasonable to like it...and vice versa. I will never call that as a "compromise" because it is not - it is about love. Whatever he does will look right to you. Whatever he loves will suddenly be new to you. And you will be Mr and Mrs Right to each other.

    Being married five years and touchwood not having been at loggerheads with in laws even once, I can tell you, since you come from a different background and completely different world, you dont need to succumb to rice porn or milk porn or whatever porn there is. You can make your own chapatis ! :D I may sound like a granny now but all of this is true...and you will realize it when you find your 'beast' !

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  16. Dudeeee I can totally relate because I'm constantly reminded by my family members that the way I behave right now might be unacceptable to my future in-laws. I hate that there's this concept of changing yourself for the family you are marrying into instead of them accepting you as you are.

    Best of luck for your future!

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  17. Gosh! My mom and dad and relatives wagera.. everyone always tells me the same: "Apne saas sasur ko bhi aise he bola karogi?"

    How weird na...when you find that there are so many out there who have had similar experiences in their life. And I'm so glad I'm not the only one stuck up in the finishing school.
    xD

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  18. Haha..That made me laugh so much. My driver is Raju uncle :P :P

    My mother has told me this straight away that I can find a guy of my choice who would tolerate my tantrums and would be okay with the fact that I hate to cook because she cannot find a guy that fits the bill :D :D :D

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  19. We used to have schools like that here back in the 40's and 50's - I think they were called "Charm Schools".

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  20. With the grandmother talking about rice and oxygen, I think she is well educated to be delusional? Or is it an oxymoron? Surely you're joking, right? :P
    Jokes apart, you just made your to be soulmate sacrifice his rice and milk without even shedding an ounce of your favourites. Is that equal? What if he agreed to leave his parents humble abode and become your 'ghar jamai' as sacrifice? Would you sacrifice your chapati and lactophobia then?

    By the way, lactoking used to be a nice toffee. They don't make it anymore. Sigh!

    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  21. Very well written and strong worded post. Glad to read about your commitment and resolve against this nonsense.
    And yes, I believe congratulations are in order.

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  22. Oh wow! Congrats on the case..The other things in life will fall into place, as long as you feel good about yourself! :)

    Finishing School reminded me of the movie Mona Lisa Smile. You must watch it! Its exactly about all of this, and it was set in the 1950s in the US. Hard to believe we are going through that now! :(

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  23. Hahaha! Super duper post, RED! Love your guts. But lets see if you share the same post a few years later ;)

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  24. Hahaha! It happens with me too :P lectures! As if they know who my in-laws are :P
    anyways, Congrats! :) first day? u might be nervous? Ohh might not be! Tigress!
    All the best Ms. Lawyer! :)

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  25. Rice Porn!! I'm still laughing :D
    You, Red sure know how to make a person laugh. Yes be the tigress.
    Our folks are meant to worry about us. This is the phase where they get all extra hyper.
    I'm sure you are going to meet someone who complements YOU.

    P.S- congrats on your first day as lawyer. Cheers to many more!

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  26. This one certainly rang a bell!

    "With this behavior, if you are married off to another house, you would probably be thrown out by your in laws.” - Trust me Red, I still get to hear this everyday from my Mom.

    I hate brinjals the way you hate rice... :'( I know how you feel sis!

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  27. Exactly my thoughts!!! I haven't succumbed to the changes, and I never will. Guy or no guy, forcing a change upon me is not going to happen. You rock girl, don't change coz you have to, change coz you want to!

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  28. Two way commitment is what it should be! I am also totally against only the woman having to move. If we move, both of us shall! Too bad that only women are expected to adapt! But we refuse now.

    *dramatic music*

    This is the Tigress Movement!

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  29. I have been told the exact same thing and luckily I ended up in a place I want to be. You have your priorities clear. You will be fine. :)

    Nice post. Reminded me of those time I wore jeans and some stupid neighbor aunty said, 'wear anything you want until you get married. After that you dont have a choice'

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  30. Hilarious! There is hope, though. today's men aren't so bad. Find one who has lived on his own far away from his family, preferably one who had to cook for himself. He'll appreciate you more than the ones who never moved out of their parent's home.
    Oh and ironically, I'm a chapatti girl too, but I did switch over to rice after marriage because... there's no mom putting fresh phulkas in my plate anymore! I hate making them myself! :(

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  31. You mean it still happens? And I really do not understand WHY you or anyone needs to marry someone who eats big fat rice and have one or the other adjust :) I mean chapati-eating men are so difficult to find OR is it that people still think the woman has no choice?

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  32. You are a tigress!!!
    Loved this post.

    It is true parents tries to change us threatening that no one will accept us into their family if we(girls) act unlike the accepted norms... And then we begin to act to get accepted, losing ourselves in the act.

    It is pathetic. But most of us are meek lambs.

    Wishes for the tigress to succeed further. Congrats on the first day in court.:)

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  33. Although my immediate family were never part of the faculty in the finishing school, all other relatives were. I think every girl will be able to relate to this post. Its as if girls have no individuality of their own, they are like chameleons, they need to change their skin once they get married! Absurd, I tell you!
    P.S: Congrats on the first appearance in court :)

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  34. Congratulations on the first court appearance :)

    I hope that you don't forget this post when the time comes. What are ideas, if not put into action :)

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  35. Awesome post! Thinking of giving copies of this post to some of the nosy relatives whose self-proclaimed job is to give these so-called-lessons to any girl they consider of marriageable age and give them mild heart attacks. *GRINS*

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  36. Dai dai dai...i have heard these lines sooooo many times while growing up i cant tell you only.always alwys always the same thing. ayyo..you are wearing these kinda clothes..what will your husband your inlaws say..ayyo ayyyo you are sitting like a shameless buffoon...what will they think..ayyo ayyo you dont do any house work..what will they think of us..ayyo ayyo you dont come to kitchen...they will say we havent taught you anything..ayyo ayyo you dont wear bindi...what will your mother-in-law say..(the bindi i fucking swear !!!) ayyo ayyo...you are yelling so much...your husband will leave you.

    i mean it was so bloody painful till i got married. life is quite peaceful post that vaise..i have got an extremely its-all-cool husbaaand..toh life's hassle free for now.
    though i do get those ayyo's from mum at times..but i don't mind it now..you kind of tend to see the love behind those expressions once you start your own life with a partner.
    i am sure you will have a brilliant married life molay..!
    wooooohoooo to the youngest lawyer babae...kick some consumer criminal asses..or whatever there is :D
    khi khi khi

    Cheeers !!
    PS-ayyo ayyo :D:D:D:D

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  37. Tigress indeed! Love your blog masthead with this post :)

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  38. I guess this typical finishing school is a part of everybody's life. In a typical Indian family they even don't spare guys... haven't you heard your mom say this to your brothers "God... How will you manage after marriage"...
    :) :)

    And yes... congratulations on your first appearance :)

    P.S. Sorry for missing out from blogging for so long. Will try to blog more often now. Wish you a very happy new year :)

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  39. Oh come on! You will get through it safe and sound. Well, I did. :D Loved this post Red!

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  40. you are not alone babe !! i have been to this school and lessons were much much more

    lol u wont die a spinster..u vl find ur tiger

    love u tigrresss

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  41. ahaa… bravo… hearty congratzzz….
    So this s the case in nutshell you had to wield with ur words? ;)

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  42. Oh yes ! I can very well relate to what you are talking about. But I doubt if you know that these polishing schools are co-ed too and not just all-girls. :-/

    My next post is going to jump across the gender barrier to provide a male version of these schools.

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  43. Yes yes, women have to learn to eat the big-fat-rice and drink milk and abhor chapathi and wear modest(read sari) clothes and stop yelling and start getting up early because the husband-would-be-sometime-in-future wouldn't like it otherwise ! And that fear crops up because marriages are predominantly based on 'girl-seeing'. If it was a love marriage, and you happen to know your guy in and out before getting married to him, and if he has no problems at all with his quirks, then why should the girl change at all?
    Changing in certain areas is fine, as we change over time, but when the change threatens to transform you into someone you yourself can't recognise or identify with, then what's the point in the whole institution called marriage ? Marriage is all about acceptance. Period. You accept me, I accept you. And we adjust over matters that absolutely inevitable,that has to be the case !

    Well written, Red Handed !

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  44. Although they are your memories, I remember being told the same thing too (in so many different contexts).
    I like the way you are so outright and decided. Love this RED :D

    P.S> Congrats Lawyer :)

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  45. Hahaha...so true!! Awesome read as usual!!! :D

    P.S. Let the man also cook the meal. THEN I'll call it an equal world!!!

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  46. Oh gosh, this post is perfect!
    I can relate to it so much. People are always trying to mould us into something more 'appropriate' for our future family.
    It's like women are expected to make all the sacrifice in a relationship.

    New follower here :)
    Check out my blog if you'd like:
    www.insomniastrikes.blogspot.com

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  47. I'm in a phase where anything against marriage gets a huge 'cheers' from me. May you become a very successful lawyer and then a judge and not get married till then. :-)

    You know, as soon as I read you are a Tigress and you mark your territory part, I had a big fit of laughter. If you ask me why? Just think about how most wild animals 'mark' their territory. :P :D

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  48. 'Let the man throw away his anger, his rice porn and become anti-lacto. Then I would call it an equal world.' Amen!!!!

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  49. Very correct, Red! There's nothing more to be said :P
    I feel finishing schools ought to help brides & bridegrooms too :)

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  50. your posts are hilarious :) Thankfully, my mom never ever made me feel that way. She was pretty cool and never made me cook or clean because I will need it after getting married. But the other relatives and aunts did preach my mother on how she was not doing what she was supposed to do - get me ready for my marriage. I can write a post on this topic :D

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  51. I am more interested in the consumer court case U dealt with, simply because all the finishing school lectures should not be even allowed in to one ear :P Actually few thigns r taught to us just to let us know about the challenging face- the marriage but getting used to rice , milk or whatever is not done. Am sure many who use brains dont do this these days :D so don't worry :D

    For instance I have my roti and my husband prefers rice :P and he cooks too so I don't have many complaints. LOL but I know few might be talking behind my back but as long as they face my back (A**) I am OK !

    Have fun darlng

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  52. What a shame that such sexist things were done and are still probably being done.

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  53. Good for you! I still rebel when I am labeled as "moody" both by my family and my in-laws. You guys aren't perfect, so why should you expect that I should be so and so? I say, to hell with them. This is what I am, take it or leave, yo! Great post :-)

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  54. Hahahaha good for you! This is what I have to say to my family and in laws… this is what I am, take it or leave! Great post. Cheers, mate!

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  55. Hehehe I knew where you were going with this one :) Red, time you find yourself an "Alan Shore", I think someone like him would be apt for you :)

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  56. Darling you are awesome !!!

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  57. I've come across a few such instances in my family, but thanks to the changing times, those common phrases have long gone out of fashion :-D. And as you say, what's the point if people aren't going to accept us for what we are!

    And congrats Madam Lawyer :-) So happy for you :-) Way to go.

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  58. Hahaha... You crank me up every time. Compromise upto an extent is inevitable since no two persons are same but to force someone to change their way of way for the sake if domestication is unreasonable. Coz as you said we aren't goats.

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  59. Applause on the first time appeared as a lawyer!!
    Don't worry on the 'fat rice' bit. If he likes it so much, he will cook it himself. Yeah, more power to us!!

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  60. Ahh.. I can see myself there... phew.. and I never liked the idea of finishing schools.

    And Congratulations on your first day as a lawyer :D

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  61. That was me...every single thing u wrote has happened to me...phew ...

    and congrats dear....all the best ...

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  62. hmm i think that you live far from reality and pragmatic circumstances that surface in our life.parents groom daughters for a good reason that they don't end up in quarrelsome life at in-laws house.being a telugu guy and south indian, i can't have lunch without rice though i eat rice once in a day and chapati for night.

    there are lot of things to look at when you get married and step into mother-in laws house.are you going to cook the dishes that you and your MIL are fond of? can ya afford a cook who can make so many dishes.my elder brother got married last year and his wife is too lazy to cook and she left her job after marriage.though we have cook and maid from the beginning,there has been lot of burden on our cook to make various dishes every day.even if the cook is absent for a day,its going to create chaos coz she is not ready to cook,we should hire another cook from neighbour apartment for that day.what mother in law will think of this kinda happenings at house,she will blame girl's parents for bad upbringing.so parents insist on polishing daughters behavior for peaceful life at in-laws house.

    my eldest brother's wife is japanese and they live in tokyo.they cook dishes together that are comfortable for both of them coz both are working and they hardly get any time to spend in kitchen.this works when you are not living with in-laws.even when they visit india for summer,my japanese sister in law won't mind eating rice and rasam for lunch coz its all about spending time with your loved ones instead of complaining things that are not sensible enough.

    these are simple things that one can sort out in an hour discussion when they choose to marry.

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  63. A very common topic "forceful change that rips out your individuality" happens very now and then. Polishing schools...sob sob... has no end to it. And guess what, women always have been seeded and polished with the attitude " Women are flexible and very adaptive in nature" and Men are always said to be stubborn.
    But, I love the Lion and it's my favorite animal too ;)

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  64. This is so common in our country. Even though we are supposed to be living in a 'modern' society, yet, the mind frame remains the same, unfortunately :-(

    Be a tigress and rule your world my friend :-)

    And congrats for your first day :-)

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  65. An interesting post that I enjoyed reading. Good luck to you and your writing.

    Thank you. Love love, Andrew. Bye.

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  66. Hey Red, Congrats on your first appearance..:) Long way to go..:) :D Good luck..:D
    And as for the guy you will marry, lol I am starting to think about the nightmares he is gonna have to be coming to terms with ya...(wink wink..;P )

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  67. I have told my parents to find a place where I can be myself not the person they want me to be. It seems to be in Indian tradition to always blame and tame the girls..why don't they put their boys into finishing school..do hell with them.

    I am lioness too. I can't be the one who follows a cat.

    Damn awesome post Red Handed. And many many congo for your first cases. May this number reach to thousands one day. :D

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  68. Red, Really written from the heart and everything you have mentioned is so true & typically Indian... Marriage is supposed to be a 2-way street, but most of the adjustments are expected from the girl.
    Wish you all the best to get the right Mr.Right! May you find what you are looking for.

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  69. LOL...you are hilarious! You mark your territory; that is classic. It's been a long while i've visited your blog but i read all the posts now. Congratulations on the job front and thanks for making my tummy ache. You should give a try on having a weekly/monthly blog in some magazines. - Vinay

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  70. Love it. Why compromise when men like us don't have the guts to stand for you.
    Cheerz

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  71. You always take me down my memory lane.. good luck young lawyer :)

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  72. So fucking true!
    I know what you're talking about in and out.

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  73. You have me in stitches every time I read your posts. Some habits change when you marry, some don't. And for some reason it just happens naturally. I'm an Australian, who married an Indian and I definitely kept some of my old habits, but picked up a few extras since living in India.

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  74. HEY! What did the big fat rice ever do to you??!!

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  75. Hii!

    Superb article! Some of this happ with me but the question is why are only girls expected to do all the adjustment?? The biggest qualification of the boy is that he is a boy...such a thinking sucks man!! i agree with this post and sadly can relate to it too :P

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  76. Do they still do this? What crap! Luckily, my house wasn't like that. Congrats on your first appearance in the Court!

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  77. I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
    Dancing through the fire
    'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar

    A man who doesn't love you for what you are is not worth the effort.

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  78. You are a tigress all right. Hope you find a tiger. It can be fun. Both of us ( husband and I ) are Leo's.

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  79. "Awesome" is the only word that I can think of after reading the above stuff.
    As always.... witty & captivating writing! :)

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  80. 1. LOVE the picture. xD

    2. Congratulations, fresh new lawyer. *hi-five*

    3. Rice porn? *rofl*

    4. You just pointed out one of the many reasons why the idea of (arranged) marriage ranks lower than cow poop in my head.

    5. Seriously, rice porn? I think, you just outwitted my much too wild and vivid imagination. Hahahaha!

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  81. I don't know how you find time to read all of these comments, but if you do come across this one. Know that there I support you in your crusade of not-marrying....
    and also we have a Bloghop running at 1Hw...care to drop by?

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  82. I hear you talking about marriage all the time (views with which I mostly agree with)....I would love to hear how that hearing went....
    and if you have some time drop by 1HundredWors....we are doing a Bloghop there...see what you can do with it

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  83. Philosophically, marriage is successful when both of them changes for the better of the family. Elders have their own way of following it by "forcing" the change since they feel this generation cannot accept it. Anyways, you go girl! And by the way, congrats on your case. How did it go?

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  84. Wonderful is the word for u!! Ur posts are as splendid as my favourite book

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  85. Oh yes, this happens in every house but what I observed (and did not like) is that such "advises" were (and is) directed to only the daughters and not the sons. No mother tells her son "see young man, one day you will have to get married and take care of your life partner and if you don't learn to make adjustments now, how do you expect that girl to stay with you?"

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  86. THANK YOU ALL FOR THE COMMENTS! I could not personally reply to all. Feel supremely guilty! Blame lies on the HIGH COURT OF KERALA...and the cases I am fighting! :(

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  87. Hahaha!! I loved the post! I feel exactly the same and I couldn't have phrased it better!
    And the fat rice part, epic!! :D

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  88. You dont need to reply to my comment. Just wanted you to be sure that I read this entire post. and to hell with these polishing schools, you dont need to change yourself, your choices for just one person. Yes you can alter yourself but it should be your own choice and not a forced decision imposed by poky adults. I have seen people doing that and it gets really artificial. I dont know how can people live with that burden. Me and you just can't and I am happy to know that! Bdw, I like rice more than chappati. Hahaha! :D

    "Because I am not a Goat, Mister! You cannot give me away and pray that they like my make. I am a Tigress. I mark my territory Sir!!" THIS! :D

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    Replies
    1. heheheh!! How could I not reply to your comment my Ridx!!!!!
      And yes you said it!!! You dont need to change urself for one person but yes I do agree to to term "compromises" every now and then :)

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  89. Well - Things are changing a lot nowadays. At least that is how my personal experience has been - for instance I would have spent 2-3 times as much time at my in-laws' place what my wife has spent at my parents' place.

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  90. This post has been selected for the Spicy Saturday Picks this week. Thank You for an amazing post! Cheers! Keep Blogging :)

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  91. Every girls story! I really get irritated when my mom starts telling such things! Loved the post. Could connect to it very well!

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  92. hahaha... RED, in your usual style, you bring forth the reality of things. Yes, I remember the time too - my mom would say things like 'you don;t even pick up your own glass. How are you going to raise a family?" and to that I would say, "Well, the family can raise me" leaving her gasping! :-) Well written! And congos on the first case.

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  93. All that happened to me. Exact same. Same to same. Even the dialogues! This was like deja vu. Creepy.

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Spit It Out I Say !!!