Friday, 21 February 2014

YOUR HONOUR, CONDITION SERIOUS HAI !!!


The number of times I have slept off in an open courtroom is not something I can openly disclose. Especially considering the fact that it was just 3 months back that I was christened a lawyer, it is impressive how I have not yet been ousted for contempt of court.

Every day, I wriggle into my coat, tie the inverted ‘peace’ signed plastic collar around my neck, wear my lawyer’s gown and make my way to the courthouse. I then move into the room where my client’s case would be heard, and the fact that my client is missing in action, amuses me. I sit on the last bench of the court room with dozens of lawyers, nonchalantly going through their case papers, teaching their clients what to speak on oath like a parent preparing a kid for a school entrance interview. I am transported to the land of black and white cinema, with white shirt inside black gowns floating around, the white painted walls and the wooden floors darkened by the shadows of the lawyer robes, forlorn faces, destitute faces, but minus the Bollywood background song to break this monotony. I fall asleep.

The hammer becomes my alarm bell and I am forced to stand up as the Judge enters, which by the way gives me a moment to stretch my way out of slumber. This is when you notice how we are greatly influenced by the Chinese courtesy, as all the lawyers young, old and antique bend forward to look at their boots as a mark of respect to the judge. The judge ignores us all without a smile, sits down and the court session begins.

My case is called and I startle back to reality. I just came here to adjourn a case which my senior said is a piece of cake. I bow, call the judge various names (in honour that is), sneer and successfully get the adjournment. I turn back to the lawyer’s desk placed right behind me to sign on a document before submitting it to the court.

Suddenly the entire court room goes “HAWWWWW!!!” but I continue to sign the document enjoying the symphony in their tone. That is when another lawyer half my height and twice my weight nudges me and introduces to me the eleventh commandment.

 Thou shalt never show thy ass to the Judge’.

I stood straight and in a manner that only a contortionist can, signed the document and walked away mutely as the entire court looked at the ‘SINNER’ me.

Why cannot I show my ass to the judge? Especially when it has layers of cloth covering it and a Dracula gown hiding the curve like a curtain. Why take an ass so seriously? I was just signing a document not giving a strip show.  In Logon ki Condition Serious Hai!

How I want to Look Like
How I Look Like
I wonder what this court house will look like with a little bit of color or a Saturday ‘WEAR-WHATEVER-YOU-WANT-MAN’ day. It is not like I murdered somebody, my client did (NOT). So why cannot I go to court in pink and purple and let him mourn in black and white.  I wonder how it would feel if I could show my ass to the judge while signing the document and not have to walk away from the podium like a rejected devotee leaving the temple or like a video on rewind. I wonder how breezy it would be to walk around the court in simple suits like in the west, than have to drag myself wearing a black                                                       ‘SAUNA’


Never knew that Justice can only be rendered wearing black and white. Maybe it is because lies can only be told in black or white. I wonder all this as I doze off awaiting my next case hearing.

Lawyers ki Condition Serious hai. Cadbury 5 Star, inject us all!!




          This post is written for Indiblogger Cadbury Five Star contest - Condition Serious Hai.



Like Cadbury 5 Star Facebook Page for your daily injection....!!

91 comments:

  1. I always thought lawyers are supposed to be all serious!!!
    LOL... funny!!!

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    1. hehe Thanks for being the first to read.

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  2. Hehehe you better win this! :D

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  3. HaHahahaha! :D
    Whenever you say Lawyer, I think of Suits and Boston Legal. Especially Suits. I think they made the show, to prove how good looking their lawyers and how well dressed they are.
    Too bad you guys aren't like that! :D

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    1. Scchi!! Maybe if I had joined a law firm I would have dressed to kill, but litigation... :(

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  4. Jesus!! I was starting to get worried what had happened as I read the post... and then "thou shalt not show the ass to the judge" bit came!! Really?? There is a rule like that! :D

    And the gap between your dream and reality look as a lawyer is hilarious :D :D lol!

    So Black and white, it is...eh? Have a great career girl...go to the topmost position on legal ladder and change the dress code! :D Filhaal ccondition wakain serious hai :P

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    1. hahah that is now my only hope!!! I need to be the change I want to see :P

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  5. Amusing piece, Red:) Am sure the judge is unaware about the posterior exhibition while all others are concerned! Best of luck for the contest!

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    1. I concur!!!! I am sure he would not have even noticed :P

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  6. i like it...but i guess i am too Aristotelian :/

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  7. I am not even going to attempt writing for this contest, this is too hilarious! But seriously lawyers do have a boring attire no? All black and white, maybe a shade of pink(I'm thinking Legally Blonde here!) would do them good. Go color them, Red :)

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    1. Aree attempt to kariye!! I was so out of topic, I did not even think much for this contest. It is my first ever indiblogger contest! :D

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  8. Hahahaha! Red :D Awesome post! Almost died laughing. Love the eleventh commandment ;)

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    1. And when are you writing for the topic?

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  9. Batman wears Black, the Joker is colourful. :D

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    Replies
    1. I prefer being a wonderwoman then!

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    2. Oh, we would love to see you as Wonderwoman. ;-) :P

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  10. When I saw this topic I thought only and ONLY abt u
    am glad U wrote for this . I have a topic coming up too not as humorous and lol at that ass thingy

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    1. Now that is extremely sweet of you. Are likho! Bindas likho! This is my first indiblogger contest!!!!!

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  11. hiii

    hhehehehahah! I enjoyed every bit! you have written such an interesting take on this topic that I can already see your name in the winner's list! all the best :)

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    1. Now aapke mooh mein ghee shakkar ya chocolate ho!! :D
      Thankyou!

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    2. haha! chocolate chalegi!!

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  12. The eleventh commandment made me laugh :) what an awesome post. Your humor is out-of-this-world.

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  13. Imagining a court where lawyers do strip show under disco lights! :D
    Hilarious... :D

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    1. You are making me imagine it too now!

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  14. My sides are aching in pain after reading your hilarious post.Not only the 11 the commandment there are a whole lot of archaic practices of the colonial era that we cling to.

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    1. Now Thank you Sir!!!! And true! These ancient practices need to be abolished.

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  15. This is so hilarious!! :D :D Go win 'em girl!! :D :D

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  16. RED... Irony.. you have to be in Black and White. :)

    I like all. :)

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    Replies
    1. I did not even think of it that way! DAMN!!!!!

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  17. I sm rolling on the floor laughing...Black and white bollwood, chinese courtesy :p thou shall not show your ass ;) gosh you got a freakinggg awesome sense of humourrrrrr :D

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    1. I hope you wiped that floor clean in the process :P
      No seriously, I am happy that you liked it!

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  18. Hahhaahhahhaha.. ‘Thou shalt never show thy ass to the Judge’.

    I so enjoy reading about your litigation experiences.

    P.S: You deserve to win the contest, my lady. Muah!!!

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    1. heheh litigation is an amusing job.
      I hope I do babe!! MWAH right back to you!

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  19. Hehe.. 'Why cannot I show my ass to the judge? Especially when it has layers of cloth covering it and a Dracula gown hiding the curve like a curtain. Why take an ass so seriously? I was just signing a document not giving a strip show.' - I was in splits with this one.. :D Especially loved the 'how you want to look like and how you look like' photographs :D :D All the best with the competition, girl.. !!

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    1. Too much love you have been showering on me. Commeted on so many posts! DAMN GIRL!! I am humbled by your generosity! :)
      Thank you so very much!

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    2. Making up for all time when I hadnt discovered you.. In love with your work outta here <3<3

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  20. First time here. I love your post. May be other lawyers thought you may have an unfair advantage (with showing your ass to the judge). Any how, you are so beautiful to me. All these British traditions should be scrapped, me think.

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    1. Thank you so much! Welcome to the blog.

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  21. Maybe you're not as obvious about it like I am. Seriously, when I fall asleep I start snoring or drooling.

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  22. God! You are so hilarious! :D
    Now this is something different. Getting to read a lawyer's dozing-off diaries :P
    Just loved it!

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  23. Hahahah. I remember the last time I had to go to court. It was to release a recovered stolen phone. I waited for almost an hour, went out for a 5 minute break only to realise that the judge had called out my name during that time, and gave a new date :(

    Missed all the drama that we get to see on TV. Court proceedings are SUPER BORING!!!

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    1. Oh the movies exaggerate like anything!
      Write a post about the stolen phone!!

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  24. Ha Ha. The kind of things you do. You are going to shake up the Indian legal system.

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  25. hahahah I thought courts and lawyers were all serious people and to think you are one among them !! LOL ! I just hope none of your clients come to know of this blog, else they are never going to take u seriously :D

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    1. HAHAH now I am so glad I am anonymous :P

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  26. So that's what is happening behind the closed doors! Never read an actual journal of what's happening in the court. . Hilarious. .
    All the best for the competition..

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    1. hahah,, shh...please do keep it a secret! :D

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  27. If I could write humour like you do, believe me, I would be laughing my ass off in the courtroom remembering my own blog posts. Jaapanah, tofa kabool kijiye. :p You are awesome Red.

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    1. and you are really sweet to say tht. Thank you so much!

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  28. I have only been to a Civil court once. And I was so disappointed. Is this what the fuss in the movies is all about? The lawyers, the judges all look so mundane and tareeq par tareeq is a shitty reality. The only lady judge I saw was dressed in a sari. I can imagine why you fall asleep so many times :-).

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    1. TELL ME ABOUT IT! I became a lawyer just because of the movie hype :(

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  29. Lawyers can be so witty!! Oh, condition serous hai :P
    Good one, Red!!

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  30. You're not supposed to show your ass to the Lord in the temple too, though the faux pas is often ignored, since God doesn't seem to mind it one bit. Perhaps, let the law belong to the lawyers (but that makes it a moot point, since you too are one of them) and ask your honour if he minds it. It must have been a twisted sense of humour of the one who made this law, to put some stifled guffaws midst the black and white robes scene when a lawyer tries to not show their ass to the judge and trots back to their desk to fetch papers.
    I rest my case, since I have failed to make a valid point. I plead guilty Milady!

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  31. Baby this was Hollering Hilarious :P ..
    Go win this :D

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  32. You got me craving for a chocolate. Oh and I would never know the feeling of being a lawyer. Enjoyed reading this post. Hilarious stuff. ‘Thou shalt never show thy ass to the Judge’. :D GO WINNNNN THE CONTEST AND MAKE US ALL PROUD!

    PS: I can't see the picture, the one with the caption "How I want to look like". Can you post that on your facebook page? :)

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    1. Why cannot you see :O
      Thank you soo much Rida!!!

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  33. lol, thou shalth not show your ass to the judge, AND- young, old and ANTIQUE---- BRAVO...:D
    Good luck for the contest Red...:)
    Xoxo

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  34. That was really funny. Some age old customs are still followed in our courts.

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  35. If they adopt you as Consultant, we can have a new revolution!
    Cool one, Red :)

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  36. Just wonder if you're in a wrong profession. All the best for the contest. OK, now don't take it so seriously :)

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    1. Nah, I am in the right profession. Thank you for reading!! :)

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  37. Now please don't tell me that this happened at the Ernakulam High Court :D unless you want me to die laughing :D I can't imagine Sri VS making this an issue and asking Sri O Chandy to resign because some 'arrogant' young lawyer from Kerala decided to disobey the eleventh commandment :D :D :D
    Mukhyamathri raaaaji vekkaa nammmmmm..... :D :D :D

    Chill... I know you aren't arrogant :D I said VS's version , not mine... :D

    Cool one, Red :)

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    1. hahahah,, athe athe Ernakulam high court only!
      My kundi might be the reason for a new harthal :P

      Thank you for reading!

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  38. Common now, join the west, at least to be able to dress up all nice.
    Or since you have to wear the boring bw thing anyway, just wear an awesome suit and the cover over it. 😊

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    1. The problem is the gown is open in the front. I cannot wear sexy stuff :(

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  39. 'Tis funny how all the dudes commented without making a direct reference towards you or your (mumbles incoherently), probably 'cause of the moral zeitgeist these days but mainly 'cause you can convict THEIR asses.
    But seriously though, the 'jundgee' didn't send you a FB request or anything?

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  40. This is hilarious ! :-D :-D..best of luck for the contest ...

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  41. Lol...lawyer was a dream profession for me as a kid...I am glad I didn't :) Good luck in your career and for the contest too.

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  42. Couldn't resist coming to your second post on the subject. And can not resist putting on record my appreciation on the fine sense of humour you have deisplayed in your posts.

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  43. you are living the dream... maybe living and dreaming as well.. but what's with not showing ass... majra kiya hai? Good luck for the contest... :)

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  44. This post cracked me up;)

    Our country is still backward in so many ways, its just sad. There is barely any evolution in our methods of handling the nation's problems. Like the method of dressing you mentioned, for instance. Im not all for the western culture considering the amount of pervs we have, but a bit of modification to suit the present conditions(climate!) could do us good. God only knows what will happen to our future.
    All the best for the contest :)

    PS: sorry for going all philosophical on this light hearted post of yours :p
    xo
    Hopelessly Hopeful
    http://welcometomypartypeople.blogspot.in/

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  45. Lawyers are funny!! Damn, now I am scared...

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  46. The eleventh commandment - LOL !! Condition toh bahut zyaada serious hai ! Good Luck for the contest :)

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Spit It Out I Say !!!