Friday, 16 May 2014

GOOD IN BED !!


Not boasting, but I am extremely good in bed. To be quite frank, I am amazing in bed. There have been occasions that go beyond what my fingers can count, where I have been told about my approach in bed by many men and women, men mostly minors.

They love me and want to sleep with me. They play rock-paper-scissors to decide who gets to sleep with me, defeat rarely accepted with grace. I am the mistress of their sleep. I can prove it to you. 

My Aunt who happens to be a tour coordinator, had to leave her daughter under my careless supervision for 5 days while she was out there collecting sea shells in the beaches of Pattaya. The cousin, a 7 yr old kid, knew that I was no good and we both had that hypothetical agreement going on, whereby we will not cross each other’s way. She was a good child except during the night. She demanded princess tales and all I could give her were futile attempts of narrating the tales of Julius Caesar. She wanted Lullabies and all I awarded her were songs of Slipknot. In the end, a consensus was reached which was based on the principle that she would be the story teller and I would be the one to sleep. I did sleep off and she too did after tucking me in.

Yesterday, the Aunt returned and somewhere down the chain of conversation, she asked her kid if she had any trouble sleeping. To this the little one replied “No problem Amma. Chechi is great in bed”.

So there you have it, one more person bluntly stating how amazing I am indeed in bed. I do not kick off the pillows or pull the covers off you and heck I never ever have to make my bed! I do not move like the needle of a clock during sleep and my approach is like that of Count Dracula taking a nap in his coffin. I sleep straight, positioning the hands neatly on my chest and legs so placed, that they could humiliate a soldier standing in attention. I stay this way till the moment I wake up. I take a defined and moderate space in bed to sleep, never moving an inch and this is why everyone loves to sleep with me.

Be it some Family wedding where the house is swarming with unwanted relatives, start 9 pm, the game of who gets to sleep with me begins. Mothers inadvertently love making their kids sleep with me. Farting aunties love to sleep with me. They love me!

I don’t think I am a vixen in bed. Actually, I am the Count Dracula himself in bed.

What about you? Are you as good in bed as I am? I don’t think so.

P.S- I think I need to meet my cousin's English teacher. 


104 comments:

  1. Hahahaaaa :D You are simply incorrigible Red! P.S- What was your Aunt's reaction?

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    1. Arnab Goswami: India demands to know the answer to this question! :p

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    2. SHE WAS JUST HAPPY THAT HER KID WAS TALKING IN ENGLISH. NO REACTION WHATSOEVER!!

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  2. HAHAHAHA ROFL oh dear !!! you sure have a way with words :P in that case I have freaking awesome in bed... I sleep so still that my sister and mother's sister sometimes have to feel across to make sure I am there in the bed :P

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    1. YOU AND ME ARE SOOOO GOOOD IN BEDD!!!! I think you are even better than me :P

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  3. Farting aunties..hahaha ..killer post :)

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  4. I had to share my bed with a farting aunty once. Changed my bed hseets and aired my mattress the next day :-P
    Hilarious post Red !

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    1. hahahahhaahah....I was too lazy to change bed sheets :P
      Thanks for reading!

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  5. ROFL... u can make "rai ka pahad" so effortlessly... kaha "good in bed" in literal senses and kaha ye "good on bed"...go go go see ur cousin's english teacher :D :D :D

    Loved it...made my day! :)

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    1. This blog thrives on making RAI KA PAHAD...hehehe!!!
      I LOVE YOU!

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  6. Well, I can fall asleep just about anywhere at anytime. Just let me close my eyes and it's off to dreamworld.

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  7. Hahahaha!

    By these standards, I am horrible in bed! I turn and twist so much, my bed spread is crumbled and my pillow is mostly on the floor everyday!
    Thanks to this, I don't have to endure farting aunties. :P

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    1. YOU NEED TO BE GOOD IN BED LADY!!!! I DEMAND IT :P

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  8. By that definition, I too am good in bed. :D

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  9. My brother is better in bed than me in this aspect.

    Once our aunt had arrived from Australia, and she was surprised when we suggested her boys (around 10-12 years) sleep with us :-)

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  10. Pretty high standards to beat there Red ;) I'm pretty awesome in bed too, but not for the same reason you are. Most people tend to move about and attack other people right? I can "defend" myself in bed. To know what I'm talking about, you have to read one of my posts called "Sleeping with the Enemy!" ;)
    (Admonishes himself for shameless link dropping!")

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    1. I SHALL CHECK IT OUT. U did not drop link :(
      I can never defend.. I was once almost suffocated to death because a fat niece got over me in her sleep.

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    2. Now since you asked for it ;)
      http://www.iwrotethose.com/2014/01/27/sleeping-with-the-enemy/

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  11. hahah I move like the hands of the clock in bed...so I guess I'm not that good in bed ;)

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  12. So many people have accepted that they are good in bed, though they tagged it with the obnoxious "in this aspect", but we know what they were referring to. #JustSaying

    And as for me, I am no good. May be because it is due to the fact that I am an insomniac and when I do sleep, it will in those weird yoga position you will find me. Yeah, not a pretty picture.

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    1. YOGA POSITION? No wonder you are so skinny.

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  13. Lol how the hell did you come up with this woman! I need to be alone while I sleep, if there's anyone at all in the room, there goes my sleep. When that does happen I'm usually surrounded by snoring people, while I stay up the night!

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    1. I sleep wherever I find place. But my favourite sleeping point is sleeping in the train. AWESOME!

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    2. Haha nahi nahi. Train is a nightmare! I think those people who can sleep in trains are truly blessed!

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  14. left me in splits again :D
    Am bad in bed. ooooopsie ............ I move a lot and sometimes I kick too
    U R the best in bed if compared to me :D ahem ahem

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    1. HAHAH YOU ARE LIKE MY NIECE. Cute!!!!!!

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  15. Finally I managed to get to your blog before the comment is disabled as the comments count has reached more than blogspot can tolerate...your posts have always been so hilarious at the end I become the laughing monster amidst of serious session and center of shock rippling around me.
    This time also I dared to read the post in a silent class and bow everyone is staring at me.

    Apart from my baseless rambling, you are a rock star. Can't believe you are so good at bed where as in daylight you are the notorious one. :) ;) :)

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    1. hahaha I love you for this comment. ADORABLE!!!!
      I am glad you laugh or atleast have a smile while reading this. My purpose is served. Let us be happy. :)

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  16. LOL this post made my morning. I suppose I am good in bed too!!

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  17. Finally I managed to get to your blog before the comment is disabled as the comments count has reached more than blogspot can tolerate...your posts have always been so hilarious at the end I become the laughing monster amidst of serious session and center of shock rippling around me.
    This time also I dared to read the post in a silent class and bow everyone is staring at me.

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  18. I am a sound sleeper - with emphasis on the sound - in addition to the moving around and all the rest :) It really irritates me to know that people can sleep otherwise :P

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    1. hahaha my DAD is a super sound sleeper :P

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  19. I am glad that I rolled over your blog because your sense of humor and the tinge of sarcasm is just the right combination that I love to read. You had me with the title and the way you wrote the first few sentences. Loved what I read here. I do all that you don't so I'll be bad in bed. ;P

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    1. hahah welcome to my humble blog. Thanks a ton for reading!!

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  20. And I just so love the header. It's very creative. :)

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  21. hahaha.. hilarious post .. u definitely need to meet your cousin English teacher .. !

    i usually sleep as if i'm the king of my bed but now days gets so much tired that all i find myself in the same position after waking up so in ur term i'm becoming good in bed too :d

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    1. CONGRATULATIONSSSS!!!!!! You are now good in bed!

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  22. your titles of the article .. sure get people thinking .. :)

    right actually , HEAR HEAR .. let me BOASt here yessssssssssss , i went to india for my cousins wedding, right your truly was also the same good in bed.. being the PHOREN returned Mama and Chacha to a lot of nephews and nieces..

    in the end we had this whole room, took out all the beds out, put mattresses on the floor, and everyone slept , and one of my nieces , god bless her , she would not let go of my leg , she is only 4 years old.. I literally had to take her with me , she forgot her mom too :)

    and then we had a gettogether of all old school and college friends , we did the same .. and yes we all slept together .. :) the men were all so drunk so they all zonked out the moment they hit the floor and the wives and other ladies started doing what they do best .. Gossiping :)

    that reminds me i should put all the pics up on my blog,, to prove tooo :) he he he he

    Bikram

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    1. hahah....I am so glad you are good in bed too. THAT 4 YR old niece of yours...so cuteeeee!!!!

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  23. hahaha..that was quite a post! love your humour :) PointsToPonder

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  24. lol..m still thinking about how your cousin's mom reacted at that kuti's statement...:P

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    1. she was too happy that her kid was speaking english :P

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  25. Hehehehehe... :) Hilarious! An awesome read :)

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  26. Lol babe you got me thinking something else :D Well according to your definition, I am pretty good in bed too ;) But I like to sleep alone rather than have some aunty or kid with me sharing my bed :P Loved this post :D

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    1. I so prefer sleeping alone too. But it hurts to be so good in bed!! :P

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  27. You have got some competition from me lady....I am too good in bed too. And I can do it at the drop of the hat and at any time during the day or night ;)

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    1. hahahaha..now I cannot do it unless its dark and cozy! :P

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  28. Hahahaa! :D
    Hilarious! Your life is so full of blog-worthy incidents! :)

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  29. Ha ha! Suggestive title but so nice description! :)

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  30. Hahaha I loved reading this post. Unfortunately, no one wants to sleep with me. That's because I kick off the pillows and pull the covers and move like a needle clock. LOL.

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    1. You better start being good in bed , young lady!!

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  31. hahaha! That's funny! Such an attractive title, who won't read it? cute though! :)

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  32. I would rather be horrible in bed than sleep with farting aunties :p
    it's a curse, Red, it really is!!

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    1. IT IS A CURSE!! I did not know until she farted!

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  33. OMG :D Really Red, you're a laughter riot !! I used to be good in bed, but have turned otherwise, nowadays :D :D :D
    Seriously, go meet the teacher soon :D before the little one runs off to inform her how good you are in bed :D

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    1. hahahah I think that would be the day I would leave this land :P

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  34. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
    I stilll can't believe your cousin said that! :P

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  35. Red is in her elements and absolute love the hilarious post..shuddh post:)

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  36. You are poori ki porrri Paaaggaaaallllllllllll lmaoooo

    and yes I wana sleeeppp with u :p

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    1. Chalo let us both be pagal.. I want to sleep with you too. :P

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  37. Sadly, I am good on bed. :( My sister used to sleep on 2/3rd of the bed leaving me sticking to the wall. :( Never kicked anyone on bed, never fought for space and everything good. :p I am happy to read this. Your cousin is a real star. :D

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    1. I too am tired of sticking to the wall :(
      and farting aunties :(

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  38. I absolutely love you!!!
    Don't worry, I won't stalk you, just "follow" your blog ;)

    You are a laughter riot. It lifts my mood instantly to come and read posts from you. Thanks a lot and keep posting!!!!

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    1. I LOVE YOU TOO. LET ME STALK YOU NOW!

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  39. Lol.. I salute you for being so great in bed .. :)

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  40. "that they could humiliate a soldier standing in attention" Hahhahaa! Red you are awesome!

    I'd love to have you in my bed now ;)

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    1. ANYTIME.....ANY FRIGGING TIME :P

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  41. I am the same, I'm so goooood in bed :) In fact I usually sleep almost at the edge of the bed and I have perfected the art of sleeping on the edge and yet not falling out of the bed. :)

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    1. WOW Now that is called TALENT :D

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  42. I am amazing in bed, honey :). Hate the farting aunties too. At least some perks of growing up and getting married -- no random people get in my bed :-P. A hilarious read!

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    1. Hhaahha I hope the guy I marry is amazing in bed too..:D

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  43. Shitt!! I just realised I m so horrible in bed!!! But blabbing in dreams is better than sleeping along with gas cylinders!!! Lol

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    1. hahahha I am glad u r terrible in bed JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

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  44. That was a fun post. I have varied feedback. One day, I am the hands of the clock when it's 6 o clock and then the next day, I'll be 10 minutes past eight and so on. Such varied positions you see :P

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  45. Really you dont move? I am all over the place ! That makes me bad in bed :-o I am just going to hide this post from my husband :D

    Hilarious as always Red ! Next time when you say you have nothing to write about I am gonna thrash you real bad !

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  46. Hahaha! You little vixen! Ooops Count Dracula I mean. I too sleep still. But on my side..Not straight :)

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  47. Jeez! :D
    Ya know, your posts have started giving weird ideas to me too? :D That's another thing that I never really put them down in words.

    P.S.: We are similar...on bed! Hi5!

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  48. hahahha...you are sooooo good with the words.....i can't stop laughing and my hubby's giving me cold stares wondering why im behaving like i inhaled the laughing gas at time of the night!!

    btw, im hopeless in bed, i can't sleep in one place, and really need all the space i can get!!

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  49. Cannot believe I missed this post :D Whoa, girl. Remind me to send my daughter over to sleep in your bed. She will very quickly undo your resolve of sleeping needle-straight :D She kicks and turns and does an entire kung-fu sequence from one of those martial arts movies, all in her sleep ;)

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  50. Thanks to your cousin for this super-hilarious post :p

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  51. Hehehe.. Awesome miscommunication Red! ;-) It started with something rather obvious and ended with the honest, childish and straightforward answer :) Pls meet your cousin's English teacher, maybe (s)he can throw some light..

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Spit It Out I Say !!!