Friday, 25 July 2014

THE INNOCENCE OF A CHILD...


No I am not a mother. Neither am I Sridevi from English Vinglish walking down the streets of New York, talking in crude Hindi to a total French hotness about how children are anything but innocent. Actually the only experience I hold regarding children is the fact that I was once a child and also the added liability of living with an 8 year cousin who sees me as a fluffy punching bag. So I think I can talk about innocence.

Innocence is said to be a lack of guile or corruption and Lata Mangeshkar while singing ‘Bacche man ke sacche’ promoted this very thought of purity in a child.  What a big dry joke. I don’t remember being innocent as a child. Maybe I was innocent as an infant or a toddler but that is basically because of the lack of any other option. You cannot cook up an evil master plan when you mother is feeding you Cerelac or when your skull is yet to develop fully. But once I was done with kindergarten, I knew exactly what is to be done to make things work my way. I was a child with evil intentions and this is precisely why my heart doesn’t melt easily when it comes to children.

In my continuing space sharing with my 8 yr old cousin, I have noticed how much she knows about her parent’s emotional quotient with regard to her. To escape tuition which was scheduled at 5 pm, she called up her mother at noon from school and told her how painfully she was battling a stomach ache. Her mother who was in another district, thus unable to drive to her rescue, asked her to rest in the sick room and take the mini-van back home after school. On reaching home at 2 pm, she took over the television and complained of chest pain to my grandmother who made her ailing granddaughter some soupy noodles. By 4 pm she had headache and once it was well past 5, she was attempting hula-hoop while watching Chotta Bheem. They say love makes you fall for every silly trick and this is exactly what was happening. How a kid was able to execute a plan so full of flaws and yet get away with it. Remember, she did not even use the lethal weapon, commonly known as the ‘Fake Crying’. She can articulate emotions even better than Nicholas Spark to escape a scolding. The art of deception is mastered by a child.

I remember the last time I went to a supermarket. I was buying some cereal and in came this cute looking child with his mother. While his mother was filling up her shopping cart, the kid ran to me and started punching my leg. I looked down at the 3 feat tall Mike Tyson who gifted me yet another punch. I yelped and caught hold of his closed fist in an attempt to stop him from landing another blow. He looked at me, grinned and then screamed at a note that would put any Opera singer to shame. I don’t remember what happened next, but let’s just say that the entire supermarket now thinks that I am a child abuser.

Where was I? Yes, the innocence of a child. It is funny how we see ignorance as innocence. Children are ignorant. Ignorant of politics, religion, sex, social taboos and such man made factors. Ignorant of stress, competition and practicality. It is precisely this ignorance that is mistaken as innocence. Why else do you have to teach a child not to hit another person, steal, lie or create a ruckus? Innocence is taught, not gifted.

Now don’t tell me that the examples I mentioned were of exceptionally talented evil kids, because they are not. Ok, may be the supermarket boxer was, but that is not the point. The point is to point out one child who doesn't manipulate his/her family.

Actually, if you think about it, parents are innocent.



P.S- I love kids. I really do. Sacchi!


Thursday, 17 July 2014

How To Have The Perfect Matrimonial Profile- FOR MEN....


Are you a 30 year old guy with no luck in the girlfriend department? Are you the father of a son who is an IIT product, earns a few lakhs per month and is eligible for marriage at 26? Are you a 29 year old man who has banged a dozen chicks, is currently dating 3 girls in a single slot but still wants to marry a virgin girl your mother chooses? Or are you an 18 year old boy who is looking for true love in a way that is approved by the Indian society? Whoever you are, matrimonial website is your answer.

Making a profile on a matrimonial website is an art. As someone who has adequate experience in this field, I know what it takes to be noticed. Women have it easy since all they require is a good display picture and a bio that reads “Traditional but with a modern approach”. A little assistance from the family photographer who swiftly clicks a picture of her with a tilted head and hands resting on a fake midget pillar stone, she is ready to conquer the matrimonial website. But for you my dear men, it is not that easy. You need to flash your goodness and awesomeness shamelessly to lure the citizens of the kingdom of muliebrity. You need a profile that makes a woman skip a heartbeat when she receives the Interest request sent by you. You need to be the lion, standing out from a pack of unshaven babies.

A matrimonial profile can be divided into two parts- Personal information and Partner preference.  Personal Information is that worm on the hook which will help you catch a good looking fish. You need to brazenly parade your goodness and masculinity like the birds of paradise. Being a girl who has been enlisted in one of the premium matrimonial sites by her beautiful parents, I do receive a few interest requests every now and then. Some of them indeed caught my interest and I am pasting a few screen shots of their ‘Personal Information’ for your perusal.








Next,  you need to provide details regarding your partner preference. Imagine yourself as a clueless prince in any Disney movie, who is riding his horse aimlessly through forests, searching for his one true love. What would you want your perfect partner to be like? Yet again for your benefit I am pasting a few screenshots of some of the gorgeous proposals that I received. Follow their suit.





It kills me that I couldn’t match up to their partner preference. It kills me that I am not perfect enough. It kills me that my horoscope matches only 50% with theirs. We could have worked it out but the Kundli came in the way. Sigh! May be the next hero will be my Knight in cream lungi.

So my gorgeous men, I hope this helped you. I hope that after reading this you go and register yourself on the matrimonial website that your community believes in. Throw in a few bucks to get your profile highlighted in blue because trust me no one wants to miss a catch like you.

Ok enough of this tomfoolery. In all frankness, being a part of matrimonial websites is crushing down my pride. Self love is diminishing and I am questioning my worth. When you receive such genius proposals, you begin to doubt if you deserve any better. Relatives call it high expectations and the society keeps reminding you how you are a rotting mango at 24. Frankly, I pity my parents. Being part of a society that casts a moral and strict duty on the parents to find a soul mate for their kids is something that I find weird on a personal basis. Being a malayalee is even worse. The moment I hit puberty, my father started investing on gold while my mother kept her Provident Fund untouched for her daughter’s marriage that will happen in a future that isn’t anywhere close.

Dear Mom and Dad, it is not your duty to get me married. It was your duty to raise me and you did it really well. Retire, take your PF and go on a world tour or buy a summer house in Malibu. You truly deserve it. Now, let us talk about the gold that you have collected to gold plate me on my wedding. Well, you can still give it to me. I am not rude to say no to such generosity. Why make marriage a condition prerequisite? Just saying.

P.S- I am not against matrimonial websites. Many found love through it. I am just talking for myself here. :) 

Thursday, 10 July 2014

SUITCASE LOVE....


There are certain bonds that secretly exist. A relationship that surpasses all human understanding. One such bonding is between an Indian man and his suitcase. A suitcase must be an inanimate object, worth a few hundreds, but this lifeless entity is seen as a treasure chest by his Indian owner, only empty.

Like many fellow Indians, we have more suitcases than people in our house. Hard suitcase, trolley suitcase, duffel bags, a smaller hard suitcase and an even smaller one for hand luggage, we have it all. We also have a few airbags, of all available and possible sizes. We keep them neatly covered in old lungis and dupattas, to be unveiled only prior to a scheduled journey. My father is very particular about such stately treatment of the suitcases. We don’t understand, he mocks.

Airline travel is not the preferred means of transport for us. More than the reason that for a family which decides to go on a vacation quite instantly, air charges are a bit off budget, it’s the fact that we cannot carry luggage beyond a certain limit that prevents us from choosing flights over trains. You cannot expect a Malayalee settled in Bhopal to visit his Kerala without a few cartons of Atta and a suitcase filled with 20 kilos of apples. That is just not us. So train it mostly is and this is where you can see my father’s boundless love for his mute suitcases. Even before his family can occupy the vacant seats that he booked on Tatkal, he brings out old newspapers and places them below each lower berth. Once this paper protection has been provided, the suitcases are gently placed on top of them, care taken that not even the handle touches the filthy place that is the Indian railway coach. Once they are all tucked in, every piece of luggage is tied to the next one with the help of metal chains so thick that no thief would ever consider stealing the treasure of petticoat and assorted pickles that is inside.

Our place is still abode to a grey suitcase that is as old as me. Bruised with time and covered in an army print suitcase cover, it sits above one of our wardrobes, watching as new additions are made to the family in the form of new suitcases. A glossy black American Tourister is our newest member . My father's love for suitcases goes so deep that he once bought two bottles of Johnnie Walker from the duty free shop at the Dubai airport only for the medium sized trolley suitcase that they were providing for free with it.  There should be a soap opera on this subject.

So why am I writing about all this? Well, let’s just say that last week, during a short rail journey to a nearby city, I inadvertently started placing newspapers below the seat to place my humble VIP suitcase.

Turns out, suitcase love is a hereditary disease passed on to me. Thank you Dad. Thank you. 





P.S- I missed regular blogging. Also, did you guys participate in the giveaway? It ends this 20th.           CLICK HERE TO PARTICIPATE. 

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

THE RED HANDED GIVEAWAY !


Finally the giveaway!  Hosted by me but starring three amazing women and their unique brands.  Frankly speaking, I am not a big fan of giveaways, mainly because I never win them. Actually I do win, but rarely do I get the prize. Last time I won a giveaway, the sponsors asked me to show them an ID proving the fact that my real name was ‘RED HANDED’. Yes, such people exist.

Anyway, revenge is not the agenda behind this giveaway. The only agenda is trying out something different. Writing about women who strive to be different and giving you an opportunity to own a masterpiece made by them. Not because you cannot afford them, but because it’s a gift.

This giveaway stars three brands by three young women, women who became entrepreneurs in their early twenties.

THE THREE WOMEN & THEIR BRANDS ARE- 

TARINI NIRULA - who has showcased her bags in Wills India Fashion week and has featured in leading magazines like Vogue, Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan and many others. her designs were covered on NDTV Good Times in their popular show ‘I am too sexy for my shoes’. Her exclusive minaudi√®re's are available at ‘Pernia’s Pop Up Shop’ which is curated by India’s leading stylist, Pernia Qureshi from Aisha fame. 

MADHURI MAMGAIN- who is the accessory designer in Anurag Kashyap’s next movie, set to release on  28th of November 2014. She has even designed the accessory wardrobe forAnushka Sharma, Karan Johar, Ranbir Kapoor, Anita Kanwal, Shahnaz Husain and  Feng Shui expert,Gita Kapoor.

SOLE ART by KHUSHBOO REHANI- Just 21 and has a brand of her own. She treats every boring shoe like a canvas and turns it into a brilliant masterpiece. She brings funk to your feet. Just started a sub brand that goes by the name ‘SOLE CRAFTS’. This young lady is brilliant!

WHAT IS UP FOR GRABS ???      






‘Fly High’ printed satchel bag is adorned with pretty sparrows and vibrant colours which makes it perfect for a fun day or an evening out with the girls! It comes with an optional silver chain and is priced at Rs 1500/-









The ‘Golden Pearls’ have a delicate pearl and crystal flower sitting pretty on top and have  ankle straps to make it even better! It is priced at Rs 1999/-












‘FIND YOUR SOLE MATE’ consists of a pair of canvas shoes for the guy and a pair of ballerina shoes for the girl. TWO PAIRS of hand painted BATMAN themed shoes, one for you and one for the one you love. It is priced at Rs 3000/- 













3 winners, 3 humble gifts. 

Now just participate in the giveaway already!! For Indian residents only, but if you have an Indian address where we can possibly ship these goodies, hop in!

Giveaway was supposed to start tomorrow, but I am impatient. :D

DONT BASH ME UP. I DO NOT CHOOSE THE WINNERS. 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

****NOTE- How to find the POST/SHARE LINK to put in the widget????
You would notice the time showing below your post on facebook or twitter eg-JUSTNOW / 1minute back. Click on it. Now you know! :D :D  *****