Thursday, 17 July 2014

How To Have The Perfect Matrimonial Profile- FOR MEN....


Are you a 30 year old guy with no luck in the girlfriend department? Are you the father of a son who is an IIT product, earns a few lakhs per month and is eligible for marriage at 26? Are you a 29 year old man who has banged a dozen chicks, is currently dating 3 girls in a single slot but still wants to marry a virgin girl your mother chooses? Or are you an 18 year old boy who is looking for true love in a way that is approved by the Indian society? Whoever you are, matrimonial website is your answer.

Making a profile on a matrimonial website is an art. As someone who has adequate experience in this field, I know what it takes to be noticed. Women have it easy since all they require is a good display picture and a bio that reads “Traditional but with a modern approach”. A little assistance from the family photographer who swiftly clicks a picture of her with a tilted head and hands resting on a fake midget pillar stone, she is ready to conquer the matrimonial website. But for you my dear men, it is not that easy. You need to flash your goodness and awesomeness shamelessly to lure the citizens of the kingdom of muliebrity. You need a profile that makes a woman skip a heartbeat when she receives the Interest request sent by you. You need to be the lion, standing out from a pack of unshaven babies.

A matrimonial profile can be divided into two parts- Personal information and Partner preference.  Personal Information is that worm on the hook which will help you catch a good looking fish. You need to brazenly parade your goodness and masculinity like the birds of paradise. Being a girl who has been enlisted in one of the premium matrimonial sites by her beautiful parents, I do receive a few interest requests every now and then. Some of them indeed caught my interest and I am pasting a few screen shots of their ‘Personal Information’ for your perusal.








Next,  you need to provide details regarding your partner preference. Imagine yourself as a clueless prince in any Disney movie, who is riding his horse aimlessly through forests, searching for his one true love. What would you want your perfect partner to be like? Yet again for your benefit I am pasting a few screenshots of some of the gorgeous proposals that I received. Follow their suit.





It kills me that I couldn’t match up to their partner preference. It kills me that I am not perfect enough. It kills me that my horoscope matches only 50% with theirs. We could have worked it out but the Kundli came in the way. Sigh! May be the next hero will be my Knight in cream lungi.

So my gorgeous men, I hope this helped you. I hope that after reading this you go and register yourself on the matrimonial website that your community believes in. Throw in a few bucks to get your profile highlighted in blue because trust me no one wants to miss a catch like you.

Ok enough of this tomfoolery. In all frankness, being a part of matrimonial websites is crushing down my pride. Self love is diminishing and I am questioning my worth. When you receive such genius proposals, you begin to doubt if you deserve any better. Relatives call it high expectations and the society keeps reminding you how you are a rotting mango at 24. Frankly, I pity my parents. Being part of a society that casts a moral and strict duty on the parents to find a soul mate for their kids is something that I find weird on a personal basis. Being a malayalee is even worse. The moment I hit puberty, my father started investing on gold while my mother kept her Provident Fund untouched for her daughter’s marriage that will happen in a future that isn’t anywhere close.

Dear Mom and Dad, it is not your duty to get me married. It was your duty to raise me and you did it really well. Retire, take your PF and go on a world tour or buy a summer house in Malibu. You truly deserve it. Now, let us talk about the gold that you have collected to gold plate me on my wedding. Well, you can still give it to me. I am not rude to say no to such generosity. Why make marriage a condition prerequisite? Just saying.

P.S- I am not against matrimonial websites. Many found love through it. I am just talking for myself here. :) 

174 comments:

  1. Hahaaha :D Red, I was a prey to these ads as well some years back! Some of the partner preferences are downright amusing and hilarious. But what I hated was those uncle types who seemed to love my profile more! The process can be tiring. But in the end, you get to read some interesting things, which kind of makes it worthwhile. For the laughs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for being the first to read.
      I so hate the uncle types too. They send me request with the 'I THINK WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON'
      Yeah right!!!!

      Delete
    2. Hahahahhahha... Damn gud RH... I really loved it... And yes, these Uncle types are the most irritating ones... Matrimony profile says their age is 32/34... but they actually look 52/54.. And the most irritating is, they claiming that our profile suits them the best...Arrrrggghhh... And, OMG... when do parents realize that we aren't finding soulmates, but just mates!!! Its purely a forced love..

      Delete
  2. hahahahahaha! This post CRACKED ME UP!!! really! the last para was too gud ;D

    I do not understand how can people create such idiotic profiles for the world to see! the 'cream lungi' was lolzz!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heheh I am glad that you are laughing at my misery :P
      Cream lungi indeed :P
      Thanks a ton for reading

      Delete
  3. hahahah Oh dear... do they really write like that... og why oh why didn't I experience this ... man I should have fallen in love after I had my matrimonial profile up :P
    And ROFL at the Gold ending... you little brat :P I totally enjoyed reading your post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you did not experience this? HOW TERRIBLE!! :P
      Gold can change a life you know. Too bad its seen as dowry :P
      Thanks for reading.

      Delete
  4. The moment I saw the title, my heart jumped..Yeayy Another Matrimonial post.... You are too good Red...
    I haven't experienced the matrimony parade in real life, but your posts tell that it would be one of a kind adventure, (if at least you decide to blog about it)...

    Okay..Breath in...Bwahahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I pray that you never experience it. I so pray :D
      Now laugh at my misery :P
      hehehe
      Thanks and hugs!

      Delete
  5. Hahaha! Hilarious. Enjoyed this one Red. You know what you must do? Send a link of this to all those guys :-P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now how brilliant is that idea? Maybe they will take up celibacy after that!!
      Thanks for reading love.

      Delete
  6. I say you take that gold and marry that "film editing" hero.. Have your own "bappi lahiri".. ;)
    Loved the post red.. Me too going through same feelings.. Sigh..!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are forcing me to consider it. SHOULD I? or should I not? TEMPTED!!!!
      :p
      We will survive!! Hold on!

      Delete
  7. hahahah...well I was contemplating writing about matrimonial sites for the past few weeks but ofcourse not in the brilliant way that you did... But yes some profiles do make me question the basis of 'marriage' as highlighted by our 'cultured' society..and trust me it there in all communities in India..sad part is the parents take all the tension and the girl whose profile is on the matrimonial site questions her worth..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you said it. I do not understand why society casts an eternal duty on the parents to find a soul mate for their kids. How is that a 'soul mate' then?
      I dont want to marry at all!

      Delete
  8. A good person from the bottom! LOL! Red, you must be having such a painful time going through these sites :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. painful is an understatement. I am dying :P

      Delete
  9. ha ha.....I really dodn't know the situation was so bad!
    But Yes Red, I pity this system too. Hope you find someone who treasures you for who your are and knows that you are worth your weight in gold :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES YES YES YES. May your mouth be filled with all the sweets in the world..especially some gajar ka halwa.
      Thanks a ton and hugs!

      Delete
  10. Wait. Did he really say 'searching for a job in human intercourse' ?
    All those screemshots were HILARIOUS! I still am laughing my ass out.
    WHY ARE PEOPLE SO STUPID???? It pinches, you know. You've strengthened my will to build another gas chamber, this time in India, for all these smarties !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please mail me when its ready. Either they go in or I go in. SUCH A SAD SAD WORLD.
      Now let me laugh at myself!

      Delete
  11. Haha, too funny :)
    I spent a long time looking through matrimonial websites while my parents were trying to find suitable match for my younger sister. As the computer in my home is most often under my control, the responsibility of surfing through the matrimonial websites and the proposals received from there were my responsibility too. And I can tell you, my sister and I had a lot of fun going through various profiles :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha how awesome. In my case I have a younger brother who is 9 years younger than me but is searching for a groom for me as if that is the purpose of his life.
      Thanks for reading babe.

      Delete
  12. Red, this was outrageously hilarious! Seriously that was one small family and one slim man :). I am sure the yand, intelegand, not driging guy must have won over your heart. This is tragic!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tragic...comical tragedy!!!
      I have some very funny yet sad times ahead of me!!
      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  13. My goodness :D This is exactly my life story :) Loved the post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder if I should be sad or happy with the fact that u could relate to this.
      Thanks babe :)

      Delete
  14. Given that I got married via TOI matrimonial section long ago, seems as if nothing has changed. Gori, beautiful gold plated bride is always in demand. Enjoyable read.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahah..Nothing has changed indeed. And more than the gori it is the gold that is in demand. Thanks!

      Delete
  15. Well, for one if I ever go into someone's profile, I need good English. Doesn't have to be exquisite, but worthy! I'm sure you know what I mean :P .. I recently came across a partner preference which read- Want thin white girl like milk. And I thought let's just paint the face white. And the guy's complexion mentioned was Dark. I don't know if it's a boost to his alter ego, or he wants to make zebras.

    You know you're worthy of much more. You din't have to listen to people that think otherwise. You'll find Mr. Right eventually :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I so know what u mean sister!! Decent english is not much to ask.or atleast dont send me an interest request titled 'I feel we have a lot in common' . Too much it is becoming. And zebras? hahahahahahahaahahahahahha

      I dont want to marry at all!

      Delete
  16. hahahahahahahahha.... you speak my heart sister! Not a SINGLE profile on these matrimonial website would make you even consider getting married. Forget arranged marriage, I have lost faith in loooove marriage too - looking at all the expectations and quality of people in the marriage 'market' !

    Here are a few from bong matrimony that i had shared with my friends-
    "My ideal partner will be someone who is confident, someone who believes in family values and understands the importance of family. Who has the spirit to hold my hands always but still follow her own dreams. Materialistic desires should be undesirable for her."

    "I am looking forward to adding caring woman who adds love to my life. I live now in the germany but travel very often to India where i belong. I am spiritual and believe in the Law of Attraction, and staying positive. Interests include travelling, sports, fitness and reading. I am quite open to all conversations, easy to manipulate, mostly polite unless provoked.. Stress and tension are my biggest enemies. I admire affordable stylish life."

    These matrimonial websites are HILLLLLARIOUS..but it gets boring and annoying after the first few :-|

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That dude wants to marry a Ghost. MATERIALISTIC DESIRES SHOULD BE UNDESIRABLE FOR HER. Only a ghost can be that way.. What the hell! and what the hell is Law of attraction. Such idiots I say!!!!
      I am getting bored already!

      Delete
  17. Beginning of this year, I had written a post on marriages that you may find interesting. I had devised a (pseudo)plan to find and extract The One from the crowd of suitors on these matrimonial websites.. :P

    http://toblog-withlove.blogspot.in/2014/01/window-shopping-for-groom.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am now well on my way to read your post.!!

      Delete
  18. The groom search phase is quite a challenging one. My sis and I used to roll on the floor laughing over some profiles while our angry mom would be looking on and ranting about how high handed our behaviour and attitude is :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously, its the same at my place. I laugh and my mother will look at me as if I committed a sin.
      Thanks for reading love.

      Delete
  19. Oh wow - those men really need to have someone proofread their profiles before posting them LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you said it!!! Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  20. This was absolutely hilarious! But I know how very true this experience is. I was responsible for finding a suitable partner for my sister because unlike me she chose to go the traditional way. Some of the proposals that showed interest in her profile were similar and extremely annoying. Only I know how difficult it was for me to reject them without sounding rude.

    I sincerely wish you find your prince charming without the help of these stupid profiles. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha my parents do not even reply to them. But now everyone around them is worried because I being 24 is not married. Such a stupid society!!!
      I wish the same too!

      Delete
  21. Lol Red, you must really enjoy this to go to the trouble of editing these photos and putting them here. AWESOME! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes yes yes yes yes I dooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  22. Hi there! Quite amusing. Actually, I have seen this exercise damage the self confidence of quite a few. All those unrealistic expectations don't make sense. Anyhow, I loved your banner. Original and eye catching. Kudos!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much and welcome to my humble blog. The banner was made by Neha from Noodles-Neha Doodles. Do check out her facebook page. :)

      Delete
  23. HOWLARIOUS... job in Human intercourse :'D I can't stop laughing! :D
    fiend? intalegand? :D :D

    The last part.. is so true...parents' job is to raise their kids well, which they all do.. my mom did it too! But then this marriage and PF fund :/ :/ :/

    also ,were these actual inputs on a matrimonial site? How can people be so stupid :D :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so tired..sooo frigging tired. Sundays are spent by my parents in front of the computer looking at such profiles. I mean seriously! They think i am incapable of finding love. They want soemone from their awesome community. To hell with it!

      Delete
  24. Hahahaahhahahahhahahahaha :D

    Yeng?? ROFLMAO

    So what stuffs do you like to do? :P

    First of all, why are you on matrimonial sites when you have Mr. Funk out there?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep.. .the last part, even I wanted to ask :P :P Blog about it sometime! ;)

      Delete
    2. well well well.. Leo thank you so much for reading. Funk has been in the scene for 5 years but right now I dont need marriage. I want to build a great career, be secure and enjoy being free after college. Maybe after a few years. Parents cannot be stopped :)

      Mi I love you :*

      Delete
  25. I am over 30 :( i guess i dont have a CHANCE at all now ..

    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YEVERYBODIES HAS A CHANCE. Try it Mr Handsome!

      Delete
  26. ROFL 😝 BTW I have something for you here. http://silentdrizzle-parvathy.blogspot.com/2014/07/award-time.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thaaaaaaaaaaaaanku thaaaaaaaaaaaaaanku thaaaaaaaaaaanku

      Delete
  27. Those were seriously funny. But I completely understand how you must feel when people say that you have high expectations. Is a reasonable, caring man who can also spell such a high expectation? Cmon Red, these clowns are good for a laugh, don't let them question your self worth!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. exactly. all they care about is his job, his education and whether he has land. Its all so archaic. They do not care about connection and love. Such is our society.
      Than you for reading!

      Delete
  28. Red you are a good person from the bottom. You will surely find a 'crazy guy' from these sites! :D
    Stick around. For your parents sake. Although I have a feeling that if you come out of anonymity, this blog will attract thousands of proposals :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually I have a very large bottom. I am dieting to reduce it. Maybe I do qualify as a good person from the bottom. :P
      I dont care anymore. If my parents find solace in doing it, let them. I love them to bits!
      Heheh you are kind ..very kind. :*
      Thanks!

      Delete
  29. Very hilarious. Like a professional resume writer, there should be a professional matrimonial advt. writer. At least, there would not be this many spelling mistakes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you said it. I dont mind personally doing it for them!
      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  30. "Dear Mom and Dad, it is not your duty to get me married. It was your duty to raise me and you did it really well. Retire, take your PF and go on a world tour or buy a summer house in Malibu. You truly deserve it. Now, let us talk about the gold that you have collected to gold plate me on my wedding. Well, you can still give it to me. I am not rude to say no to such generosity. Why make marriage a condition prerequisite? Just saying."

    Your posts are a treat to read, Red! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hayeee thank you so much. Life is getting tough! I will survive!!:)

      Delete
  31. This is so well written and funny,I hope you don't mind me sharing it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you and I dont mind one bit! :)

      Delete
  32. Woman, I have been wanting to do this post since so long. Just like you, I am forced to be on such a website and even have pasted such 'gems' for doing a post. But the only reason I haven't published this post is for the fear of my mother who if comes to know that I have dared to talk all this on my blog can go to any lengths to get the post removed for such post shall harm her daughter's possibility of finding a suitable dulha.. Everytime I open such a site forced by mother dearest, I cringe from the bottom of my heart. Cringe would be an understatement here. My blood literally boils. And as you say, if 24 is rotten, 28 should be worse! Sigh. Just when, just when shall parents stop doing this cruelty to their children.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can totally understand how tough it is for you. This is why anonymity helps me. My parents dont know this page even exists and that I am bold enough to write such things. Well what can I say. Lets just say that really tough times are ahead but you and me will make it through like warriors.

      Let them do whatever they want to.

      Delete
  33. Wowwyy tht was totally totally hilarious:D:D:P:P
    Nw I m figuring out which game chrecut is??:P:P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pleej let me know if you find out. Thank you so much for reeading! :)

      Delete
  34. Hahahahaha I had a good laugh Red. Those were really funny profiles. Atleast after looking at their profile, you can judge how well the boy or his parents can write in English :P After a point, my parents stopped looking at kundali altogether, unless the boy's side insisted. Because when we like a boy, kundalis dont match.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is some kind of a circus you know.. Its like facebook only ..just here everyone wants to marry and have white babies.
      So insane!
      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  35. Oh my god! I laughed my heart out! :D
    I should thank my parents for not inciting such torture on me! Phew!

    Don't give up hope Red, you might find your good person from the bottom someday ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your parents are not? GIVE ME THEIR NUMBER? SERIOUSLY!!!
      I pray I do too :P
      Thanks for reading!!!!

      Delete
  36. now that was social issue you addressed so well !
    and for last para if you ever get time read kahlil Gibran Poem on Children (He addressed the same mentality so philosophically ) a few line

    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them,
    but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

    P:S- It feels so good to be a spammer :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have read this one. He is so awesome isnt it?
      Thank you sooooooooooo much for reading Mr. Ankur. Please spam again. I love it!

      Delete
  37. Love it!! I was in the same situation a few years ago. I would have dearly loved to have written a funny post except that I kept wanting to break something!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha I am so glad you are now on safe shores.
      This is getting too ugly for me.
      Thank you for reading!

      Delete
  38. A hilarious take on the matrimony market, Red:)

    ReplyDelete
  39. This is just outrageous. All a girl needs is a display picture and attention just oozes out and men have to complete their entire profile until it says 100% complete. Also filling all the excruciating details is excruciating.
    I'll go out of limb and call the matrimonial sites as sexist.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahahahaaha man!! You got some experience!! Agitation at its best :P
      Lets sue this matrimonial site

      Delete
  40. Hilarious. One has to look at the funny side, especially as the would-be grooms have 'high' expectations with almost nothing to offer not even courteous behaviour.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. exactly. They are zero and they want a heroine. I mean COMEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON.
      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  41. Honestly, the reality shocks me.. please do not let your pride diminish for these things, come what may.. this has nothing to do with you..
    On the bright side - I agree you with the golden gifts.. why should marriage be a prerequisite ?? for me it is the sarees - pray why should I wait to get married when I want to wear that saree now so much ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes once I wrote this post, I thought to myself, I cannot let myself down just because of these baboons. Thank you so much for reading!

      Delete
  42. Loved it baby!!! seriously this society sucks and matrimonial sites too.. no one is honest on either side..:)

    KILLER LINES

    "Dear Mom and Dad, it is not your duty to get me married. It was your duty to raise me and you did it really well. Retire, take your PF and go on a world tour or buy a summer house in Malibu. You truly deserve it."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hehehe Thank you so much love :* :*
      I know we all can relate!

      Delete
  43. You give me hope. So I can call myself young (Age: 51); slim (Height and Weight about the same as THAT slim guy); even rich (AFTER I marry that person with annual income of Rs.8-16 lakhs :) ) and ALL that? :) PROVIDED I do not read posts AND comments like this one - NOT too keen on being the Uncle in Cream lungi :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaahhahaha now what can I say! Thank you for reading :D

      Delete
  44. Such a candid post!
    Hilarious info on the screenshots, Red :)

    ReplyDelete
  45. OMG!! What a hilarious post! So we girls now have to become "inteligand" and "good from bottom", "thick minded" and all ready for some "human intercourse"! Aye Aye profilers!!:P Uff...bus dikha diya how English is our mother tongue!
    I wish you the very best Red and my heart goes out to you and your parents in the tryst if finding a "suitable" match! May you find as rocking, awesome and chilled out guy as you:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha thank you for empathizing with me. It is only going to get worse and one day I will snap and rise like a phoenix from the ashes :P

      Delete
  46. OMG!! What a hilarious post! So we girls now have to become "inteligand" and "good from bottom", "thick minded" and all ready for some "human intercourse"! Aye Aye profilers!!:P Uff...bus dikha diya how English is our mother tongue!
    I wish you the very best Red and my heart goes out to you and your parents in the tryst if finding a "suitable" match! May you find as rocking, awesome and chilled out guy as you:)

    ReplyDelete
  47. OMG, It's hard to believe people actually have profiles like these! I wish the society gives you and your parents a rest. You have the right to marry when you want to, not when the society wants to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If only everyone in the society thought like that. Why cannot people just mind their own business and move on.

      Delete
  48. hahhahhahaha... Oh you poor Red!!! It is quite hard to believe that these guys genuinely wrote such destructive things on their wedding profile.

    I visited Hyderabad last year and went to a Saree wala showroom with my parents. Half an hour later, I was standing as the bride to be, in a wedding Saree draped by two aunties because my mom wanted to know how I would look.
    You see, my parents are no less in this field.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is hard for me to believe so too!! But man, matrimonial sites are like circuses!!!!
      hahahaha I am getting a sadistic pleasure in knowing that I am not the only one.

      Delete
  49. I'm also very intelgand and yeng! and I thereafter borrow money from my father to eat???!! LOL!!! people really put out such stupid things on their profiles? hahahaha...superb post and I almost died laughing!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hehehe I am glad you had a good laugh.

      Delete
  50. I was having tea while reading this post, and now it's all over my keyboard! Need I say more? :D
    I enjoyed looking at the screenshots! What is job is human intercourse??? LOL! :p

    Well I made a profile on a matrimonial site with a fake name but rest of the info is real. My parents don't know abt it. ;)
    Me and my bestie get together every weekend to look at the interest recieved and we laugh our ass off! That's the reason I made a profile :p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. seriously I need to know what is a job in human intercourse. SIGH!Noobs!

      Chalo I am happy that you are having your share of fun :P

      Delete
  51. By God, you 24 year old Rotting Mango! That was bloody funny! And now I know your source of endless inspiration and humour.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. heheheh inspiration is everywhere!!!! Thank you for reading!

      Delete
  52. What a post to read on a Friday morning. Are you really serious you got these proposals? Oh god....Red, could men be so stupid in writing up their bio-data? I loved the last line. You don't mind to take the gold..hehehe. Wish you all the best to find the knight of your dreams, in cream lungi. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why would anyone give up on gold :P Its the best investment ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      I cant wait for my knight in cream lungi

      Delete
  53. Epic!! After reading this I actually feel like making a matrimonial profile. . Facebook is getting boring these days. . :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahahaha more power to you!! Thank you for reading!

      Delete
  54. hahahaha! Hilarious! enjoyed every bit of it :D

    ReplyDelete
  55. Aiyoooo tooo much!!! Some of the clippings r hilarious! Hahhaha...i remmeber feeling the same at 24 and still feel the same ...uve put the piece together skillfully with truth n humour...grt post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You still feel so? damn must be tough.
      Thank you so much for reading!

      Delete
  56. Hahhahahha..i want a good bottom it seems...hahhahahah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am doing squats to get a good bottom. daily 100 times!

      Delete
  57. Ha ha ha ha!! You totally made me double up with laughter!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now I am glad!!!! Thank you for reading!

      Delete
  58. You surely know how to discover humor ... you are blessed with the gift to make people laugh ... keep writing and keep making readers like me happy :-)

    ReplyDelete
  59. Hilarious.... thoroughly enjoyed reading it....

    ReplyDelete
  60. ROFL at those images ...I mean people are so desperate 2 marry ! Why cant they find happiness in freedom !!??? And relish their single status to the full !! :-o ( Ya thats what married people will tell you )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaahah I was to relish my single status to the full. The society doesnt let me. Thanks for reading!!!!

      Delete
  61. Hilarious ! I loved the 'good from the bottom' - He doesn't make any bones does he ? He's a straight talker that one. You sure have a 'thick mind' not to understand hard and straight guys :D
    Best wishes for getting your man in the cream lungi ;) Duh... why cream ? I thought most lungis come checked.. what you want is a veshti not a lungi..Heh heh

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    1. Hheh for malayalees our lungis or mundu can be on any colour. Kasavu mundu is the the cream lungi :
      Thank you so much for reading!

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  62. OMG………….Laughter riot :D
    Red, I’m sorry to say, you’re matchless :D :D :D ;)
    Be practicle, girl :P How will you learn that, unless you take a course in human intercourse ? :P
    And you must learn to play chrecut. Without a powercut.
    If nothing else works, try being a 98Kgs slim fiend.
    If you do all this, you’ll be a good person from the bottom with thick mind and softness guaranteed :D
    Ideaaaa……. That guy who donates his salary to kids to see their happiness…ask him to donate it to you!
    You’re a sweet kid, muaah :)
    Ufff…..main bhi na, kabhi nahi sudhroongi :D

    I’ve never had a matrimony profile, so never had to bother much about these things, but I understand how troublesome this can be. 24 is just the age, lady :) May be the beginning of many new beginnings ;)
    Parents……..well, their genes babe….can’t do much about that na :)
    Enjoy the laughter, till Prince Charming comes riding on his horse, his cream lungi flying behind him :D

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    1. hahahahaha your comment was a zillion times better than the post itself. MAT SUDHAROOOOO.
      I so wish he donates his salary to me!!!!
      You never had a matrimony profile? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

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  63. ROFL!

    I am so damn unlucky. Why haven't I found such brilliant men during my match making process. Yeh to bachelor of the millennium material hai :D

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    1. HAHAHA you escaped! I am jealous.

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  64. I've said it before, I'll say it again.
    Your posts always make me smile and laugh. Far better than any medicine.

    Bless You Red :)

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    1. how awesomely kind. Thank you sooooooooooo much!

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  65. I am bookmarking this post for later reading as well. You know, for those days when I am down, bored, depressed and in need of a pick-me-up ;) This was brilliant! But then, I don't expect anything less from you :D

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    1. heheh thank you for doing so. Everyone is laughing at my misery. Even I m now. :D

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  66. HAHAHA...I did have my share of laughs that slowly turned into pure agony over ridiculous matrimonial profiles at my time but the examples you listed simply take the cake. Poor you! but still..ROFL...

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    1. laugh laugh hasoooooooooooo...meri dukhbhari kahani sunke hasoooooooooooooooooo

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  67. Hahaha!! Hilarious.. Loved it :)

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  68. All this was sort of a Deja Vu. A really depressing experience while its happening to you. " Modern yet Traditional wife" ... what does that even mean, I wonder? . Makes for a good laugh though, when you look back at it. been a long time since I even ventured out reading blogs. Am glad i did. written well.

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    1. Welcome to my humble blog. I am happy that you werent disappointed. :)

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  69. lOl
    My Lord, don't hate the sinner, hate the sin instead. The fault is not in these men or women, but their stars, blame it on their stars, why slander matrimonial sites? They're just milking the holy cow of matrimony?

    I started to wonder how would a person look beautiful from bottom? But then I saw it, I mean, I realized that I have friends who identify their crushes from behind only.


    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    1. THE FAULT IN OUR STARS? A new twist in the tale!!!!
      hahahaah now that might have been what they meant!

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  70. Remembered the good old days when these would crack me up. Hilarious! :D

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  71. Can I just take a moment and point out my favourites?
    1. Human Intercourse
    2. Intalegand
    3. A good person from the bottom

    Personally, I am neutral towards matrimonial websites. What I am against is the concept of arranged marriage (pretty sure you have written a post about it somewhere in the past). Stranger - Danger is suddenly transformed into Stranger - Angel by virtue of being flanked by his/her parents on both sides.

    Anyway, on a serious note, please don't feel bogged down just because you get such "genius" proposals. I haven't met you and I don't know you, but the glimpse into your real self that I get via your blog posts, tells me that you are one of the sassiest and kick-assiest persons around and nothing short of similar sassiness and kick-assiness is what you deserve. Nor should you settle for it. Till the fated time comes, you and I shall continue riding our horses through the enchanted forest but would rather wait for a prince and not the first ogre in sight. Unless that ogre is shrek.

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    1. Your words brought the biggest grin on my face...THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH. You and me shall survive it all!!!!!

      "Stranger - Danger is suddenly transformed into Stranger - Angel by virtue of being flanked by his/her parents on both sides."

      GODDAMN YOU SHOULD COPYRIGHT THAT.

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  72. I'm sorry I didn't read past a certain point, though I'm sure the rest of it is as intelligent as you. Reason: I'm spluttering with laughter and if I get a stitch, I shall blame it on you.

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    1. HAHAHAHAH pls dont get a stitch!!!!

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  73. English is ridiculously appalling! Description. hard and hunter? What on earth am I reading? Yeah, he is hard and hunting.

    Looking for human intercourse? Jeez. That's desperate, and his hormones have gone haywire!

    Pretty slim. His definition of slim is probably an Indian dude, with a huge hairy belly is entitled to walk for Manish Malhotra's Men Wear. 98 sounds bhagvas to me!

    Income is the only criteria, as if women are walking ATM machines!

    I almost died reading thick mind, he meant NOT narrow minded. You got my laughing gas on woman! Crap, this is so funny! ahahahahahhaah!

    You know, this is one of the most wittiest post of yours! Brilliant.

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    1. heheeh thanks for reading. You know I did not even have to try at being witty here :(
      These people!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  74. Oh My God!!! I'm so glad that I didn't miss reading this post! This is super hilarious!!
    I hope you'll find your prince charming!

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    1. I hope you do toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....Thanks for reading.

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  75. Hahaha :-) No one could've written this better than you.

    Sometimes it's not about having high expectations, it's about having normal expectations but when you see people like the ones whose profiles have been featured here (they should be so proud), you do tend to feel shaken the questions about you start coming up in your mind.

    Good luck with finding your Knight in Shining Armour :-)

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  76. Oh my!! How did I miss this post??
    I envy the first person's family. I just have 2siblings and think I have a big family :(
    If only English is so easy to read and write as we pronounce. It took me a while to understand chrecut :)
    I am still wondering what they meant by ' a good person.. from bottom'???
    Well.. as usual I enjoyed this post :D

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  77. I am 30 and not married. Stumbled upon scores of such profiles and have met people as well, who exhibited equal brain haemorrhage characteristics. It's hilarious to begin with, the initial months/years. Damn irritating after a couple of yaears. Though let's not get gender specific, some women folk have such excellent articulation skills, woah, it blows our mind+eyes away!

    Met this guy once along with my parents. The guy spoke of how his sister's marriage didn't survive. The only faux-pas my dad committed was to ask, "that's sad, what happened?"

    In the guys words, "the was impotent, next time onwards we will check for it"! Pin drop awkward silence between my parents and me and we look at different directions. The guy was oblivious to it of-course. @facepalm: people say anything these days!

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  78. This is funny... ridiculous and yet true!
    I wonder why marriage should be imposed on you...
    And these matrimony sites makes me feel like we are a product that is advertised in the site...

    very well written...!

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  79. I suppose you are one of the bloggers highlighted on Priyanka Victor's blog and I feel so stupid to not have hit on your name and checked out your blog!!! This has to be funniest post I have ever read on any of the blogs and I seriously have seen the kind of enthusiasm that builds up in parents when they sign up on matrimonial sites..God!! its like that was their childhood dream to sign up on matrimonial site and make their kid look like an on-sale object...anyways Cheers and keep posting!!!

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  80. After days of abstinence from the blog world, I check your blog first and unsurprisingly it is at its entertaining best as always!
    Thank you for making me laugh, Red.

    It sure brought some sunshine on a gloomy day like this where my 14 year old cousin who I met after ages asked me as to why I am not married yet despite having finished my graduation four years ago especially that I have been working all the time. Yes, as outrageous as it did sound, I forgave him owing to the fact that he's lived in a remote village all his young life. My explanations of being an independent woman and that I have an entire world to see before I decide to settle down is lost even on my educated parents so I really can't expect this kid to understand. Hence I muttered the mantra of inner peace and let it go.

    But, I should give it to you Red, for having the courage to go through the lands of *substitute an appropriate word* that matrimonial websites are. Bravo!

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  81. I've seen my fair share of hilarious matrimony profiles, and it never gets old. In the end I didn't have to make a choice from the profiles I found there. But I still browse through the profiles, sometime with my wife, just to have a laugh.

    The strangest thing though is I look at my own 'About Me' that I had written a couple years ago and I cringe! In my mind it doesn't feel like I have changed much since I wrote that but to read it now, it's like I was from another planet 3 years ago! I don't know how that works.

    I'm saying this because, bad language skills aside, it is pretty hard to get the faintest of ideas of who someone is through an online profile, however detailed his/her summary is, much less a character profile. As cliched as this sounds (and as cliched as saying "as cliched as this sounds" is), I would recommend you do reach back out to one/some of these requests to have an actual conversation despite the things that seemingly appear to be mismatches between you and the stranger. No harm can come, but you do stand to gain a dream partner.

    Nice post though, made my Monday a tad bearable!

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  82. Will email you one which I am sure you might have not seen! ;)

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  83. Geez! you write so well. It's like I'm talking to myself...! and those profiles are hilarious...! but a harsh reality too :( men have some seriously unrealistic expectations!

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  84. I AM ROTFL!

    the screen shots! hahah hilarious!

    "A little assistance from the family photographer who swiftly clicks a picture of her with a tilted head and hands resting on a fake midget pillar stone, she is ready to conquer the matrimonial website."
    ;) ;)

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  85. Thanks for providing such useful information regarding profiles on matrimonial websites. Yes, you are absolutely right that we girlfriendless guys should not rely on our parents to seek for a better match.

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  86. Thanks for a useful piece of information regarding profiles on matrimonial sites. You are absolutely right that we girlfriendless guys should not rely on our parents to seek out for a better match.

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  87. this is why people are on matrimonial sites.
    girls look for ATM machines and boys look for supermodels. because of these kind of expectations fake profiles exist.

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  88. Whoooo hoooooooooo What a wonderful post :-) .You have stolen my heart Red dil kush kar diya . These kinds of matrimonial are useless as you would find many boys wanting Supermodel looking girls and girls too wanting fat account walas but it very interesting to read their profiles .Some of them write as if they are heroes out from some movie .what will the simple people who have simple desires do will they be able proper soul mates or.... just curious to know

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  89. I am not sure if my comment will be lost in the melee but here goes...'human intercourse' was, by far, the best one! He he he! I am a Punjabi married to a Mallu and I really feel bad about all the gold brides' parents put together for daughters who are earning well and have MBAs. My husband's cousins all went the traditional way and now all their gold is rotting in the bank lockers.

    Great posts! Keep up the good work! :)

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  90. The last para is very touching and nothing but truth!

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  91. The last para is very touching and nothing but truth!

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  92. Hi Red, I have featured this post in this week's A Sneak From The Past series. Do check it out here : https://vinithadileep.wordpress.com/2015/07/22/a-sneak-from-the-past-9/

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  93. hahaha LOL Too funny! Are those for real?! Really?! Oh my! Wow! No wonder!... ;) <3

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  94. Red,I could not prevent myself from from sharing it!! I have only recently started reading your blogs. In fact yours is the first blog I am reading. Do write a lot!!
    Even I am a malayalee and I know how hard it is to get away with those proposals and the gold savings from parents

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  95. Nice posting. Best way to meet your life partner in easiest way. Indian weddings made easy with saatkasme.com. Our services extend to all the major communities. Free matrimony websites | free marriage sites

    ReplyDelete

Spit It Out I Say !!!