Friday, 5 September 2014

The Essential Ingredients of a Fairness Advertisement....

I am shocked that no Indian author has written a book titled ‘Guide to Fairness Advertisements for Dummies’. In a country where beauty is skin fair and a whitening cream is a better invention than polio drops, there is a requirement for a precise guide to shooting a fairness advertisement. Since, I grew up in a household where my grandmother applied Vicco Turmeric cream while my beautifully dark grandfather swore by Fair & Lovely, I know a thing or two about fairness creams. Also, being a person who conscientiously took up the 7 day Emami fairness challenge, I have all the required qualifications to write this post. By this post, I mean ‘The Essential Ingredients of a Fairness Advertisement’.

So, the first essential ingredient of a fairness advertisement, besides the obvious Fairness Cream (which by the way should camouflage the names of harmful chemicals like Hydroquinone, Mercury, Clobetasol a.k.a steroids somewhere in between the long list of ingredients at the back of the tube) is an actor/actress. Depending on the budget, you may either choose a known but struggling one or a 100 crore club member. In fact, it doesn’t even matter as long as they pledge that your product which is yet to come in the market is the reason behind their success and popularity.  Don’t worry, people will buy it because ‘naïve’ is much more than just a word.


The second essential ingredient is believing in the philosophy called ‘FUCK SCIENCE’. You need to come up with an explanation as to why dark people are dark and white people are, well white. Make sure you mention the word ‘MELANIN’ and show a pictographic representation of the layers in the skin. Refer to this already existing fairness brand called ‘FAIR LOOK’ which gives a perfect justification for the darkness of African people and fairness of the white clan.  The actress Preeti Jhangiani, of the Mohabbatein fame (the first essential ingredient) says “Look at the Caucasians, they are fair because they live in cold regions where the sun shines less, making the melanin content low. Look at the Blacks, they are dark because they live in hot and humid regions where the sun shines more, making the melanin content high.”  


The third essential ingredient is a fake Sadhu, who also holds a doctorate degree in Ayurveda. Sadhu’s are important because well, you are in India and sadhus rule. Make sure the chosen one talks in crude Hindi making statements like ‘CHAALIS ANMOL JADIBOOTIYAAN KA EK ANMOL MISHRAN’. Pure Hindi apparently makes people believe in your credibility.

The fourth and the most essential ingredient is the existence of a ‘Before & After’ story. For your perusal, I am mentioning a few stories that other brands have included in their advertisements.

  
 This is the story of Ragini who was single at 28 because of her dark complexion. A magical whitening cream enters her life like a genie and grants her three wishes- White face, a groom who would divorce her the moment she gets tanned during their honeymoon at Pattaya and three, a totally different voice. Wonder how that happened....

The story of Priya who neither had the qualifications to be an air-hostess nor the required fairness. In came the whitening cream and now her face glows like a bulb's filament . She still does not have the qualifications to be an air-hostess, but atleast she is fair. 


The final ingredient is Photoshop because how else will you come up with a photo showing the shade wise transformation of your actress from suicidal & soot faced to a jovial & slim snow woman in just 7 days.



I think I have covered it all. If not, kindly let me know by commenting below because I have been seriously considering writing the book I mentioned in the very first line of this post. It would undoubtedly be a best seller. You bet?


P.S- No blogging or blog reading for the next 5 days. I am celebrating Onam. Burp!
P.P.S- This one was posted from Mobile. So kindly forgive me for format errors if any. 

51 comments:

  1. oh dear ROFL :D :D you got all the ingredients right... check your window, there might be a queue to get this magic formula from you :D
    Loved your take girl. The craze for white skin, in both girls and boys is plain stupid. Qualification jaye bhad mei, chamadi gori honi chahiye!!

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  2. You really should write that book Red. It sure will be a bestseller! This fairness disease is so ingrained in our psyche. About time someone brought the hypocrisy of it all out in a big way.

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  3. I always thought how could one's whole body color changes by applying a face fairness cream. Yea... I know it's a dumb qtn... but the way these ads portrait these before and after phases, this is what first comes to my mind.

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  4. // because ‘naïve’ is much more than just a word// Beautifully put, that is absolutely what I have to say too.
    We may not have Martin Luther Kings here but we sure have Red Handed! Brilliant post! :)

    Happy Onam, Girl! Have a coconutty one ;) :D (btw, I am 'prep'ing for Sunday's Onasadhya starting today)

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  5. Waiting for that book eagerly now :D

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  6. Hahahahaha red. You are too awesome! This post has me ROTFLing for so long. I don't know why Indians are so obsessed with white skin, even after whites/British ruled us for so many years. They should have developed contempt towards fair skin :P
    Happy Onam!

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  7. This is awesome...
    And guess what, this topic is still one among the list of topics I would like to write...
    I mean really, whats wrong if you are dark!!!

    Happy Onam Red!

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  8. You forgot the most important ingredient, the gullible consumer who readily laps up all sorts of bullshit that's served on a platter.

    I pray that your book finds a fair publisher.

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  9. Go ahead with the book Red.
    Enjoyed reading this post

    Happy Writing

    Cheers

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  10. Great Red ! But you just revealed the secrets of the business and squashed all possibilities of filing a patent. White face covers up all lacuna and some inconsequential things like education, job skills etc. You also can shine and dazzle all the interviewers with your sheer 'facial' brilliance.

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  11. LOL! :D
    I think you cracked the whole thing right open! :D

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  12. I really want to read that book! :D

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  13. Indians and their obsession with fairness....I think you covered it all Red....I don't know who is more foolish- the ones who make the ads or the ones who see it and go purchase such products! sigh! Now go ahead and write that book as soon as you are back !!

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  14. Our fascination for white is more deep rooted than influence of British raj:) Across the length and breadth of our country very few like the husky/ tanned or coffee colored beauties! So all the advertisers fall head over heels even to portray need for fairness in regions of human body not visible normally:)

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  15. The one litmus test that one should apply is the greater and more famous the celebrity endorsing the product,the faker is.It is so nauseating to see the same celeb faces,that I close my eyes when the ads appear..

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  16. Hahahahhaa you my dear, must write a book :D
    It would be a bestseller- I'm sure! I was laughing to bits, reading this post.
    Love love love it :D

    Happy Onam! :)

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  17. Ha ha..you should write that book! :D Happy Onam Red! :)

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  18. lol :D now they have also come up with fairness creams for Men :p Men you gotta know it Now

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  19. Have you seen an ad where a guy is tolerated by his Mom and girlfriend for his oily skin but his boss hates him for that? And after he washes his face and oil is gone, BAM! He is promoted! What kind of bosses looks at the skin texture and complexion?
    :-/

    Fairness creams. I have enough to write a whole book. Because I am that 'dark girl' who gets all the pity for being dark, and my husband 'tolerates me' for the same reason. I am that girl the society feels sympathy and whispers fairness cream names in my ear at weddings. :-/

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  20. Hah! The Classic Gullible Indian Consumer!
    Btw, I don't like the Iceland wali Oprah at all...she reminds me of my pahadi school principal. :/

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  21. These actors should really consider the damage they are doing to our already spoilt society. Angrez chale gaye but racism chodh gaye!! Tch!!

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  22. Happy Onam Red! :) We couldn't visit Kerala this time around, so no feast for me :( Hope you enjoyed yours!

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  23. Yep. All ingredients covered. Go ahead. Write that book, Red !!

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  24. Hahaha you have put it up so beautifully. I think you should write the book ;). But on a serious note, the obsession of Indians for anything fair is totally crazy.

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  25. Naive ain't a word! It's a disease that eat up the awareness. I have seen many girls creaming up their face to just get that fair tone of Katrina! Little do they know after a few years they would be waiting in queue for dermatologists to treat those unwanted blotches and warts. Scary! Right? I told this to some of my faithful user of these brands but they shooed me away like a fly! Poor ignorant souls.:(

    And Red, you write anything and it will be a bestseller undoubtedly. Love you Red. You are beyond awesomeness!

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  26. You have covered it all, Red! Whenever I see these instant fairness creams as, I would think "Yeah nothing can give you instant fairness except white paint". Sigh! Naive is indeed much more than a word.

    Can I have a go at celebrating Onam with you? :P

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  27. And you tend to achieve everything after your skin becomes fair. It's not like dark skinned people can achieve things and be successful and all. Obama, you say? Who's that? they ask. :D

    As always, good one, Red. :-)

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  28. These ads amuse me and at the same time make me sick!! Superb post Red! I hope there is a treatment/gel/cream to treat this 'naive' 'gullible' attitude of the consumers.

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  29. Happy Belated Onam Red...:D :D
    my neighbors are from kerela as well.. celebrated with them... even made floral rangoli- pookalam (they called it) ..:D :D :D :D
    Oh by the way, nice post..:P the beauty adds really seem to have neglected the scientific conventions..:P :P
    I will be the first one to buy that book the moment it comes out...:D :D :D (in fact any book by you..:P )

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  30. A funny and sensible way of looking at this issue.

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  31. You forgot to mention that men have a tougher skin and so fair and lovely doesn't work so instead lets have 'Fair and Handsome' Hell yeah now that should work!!! 'And Ladkiyo wale cream lagana paao hai'. And btw Happy Onam hope you had one heck of an Onam because I definitely did *Burp*

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  32. Some question have always troubled me.If you use a whitening cream on the face and it works then wouldn't the face be fairer than rest of the body? The last time I checked that was a genetic aberration that is lack of Melanin called albinism. The other question that I have is what is meant by fair bride. Does the bride have to get a weighing scale or use it such a scale at all times after marriage :D.

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  33. as always U hav hit the nail right on the HEAD. VERY enLIGHTening and fair post :)

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  34. FUCK SCIENCE is all people need to learn and understand :D :D if they don't understand the concept of melanin, everything is a waste! :D

    on the other hand ,that is how some poeple make money on the fact that the other half or three fourth of the population is "dumb".. :D

    while everyone's making money, honey you do your thing, and get that book publishing done! You will make even more money.. :*

    you are wonderful :* :* this was hilarious!

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  35. Right, naive is more than a word. We fall for everything celebs say. A satire with a message, hope you had great time during the festivities.

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  36. Haha! This was so perfect and hilarious!! Till the time there are people who think 'if actors can get it so can we' and the concept of melanin is 'god knows what crap' then Yay Fair and Lovely!

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  37. Red, Love your language and style and yep ! You got all the ingredients right, not that it is going to stop any one from trying to be fair! Happy onam!

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  38. Happy Onam, Red :)
    Have fun! Eat loads :) Burp :)
    There are far better things in life than get bothered by skin-colour. But, many obsessed people are bothered. So, yes, do start writing your best-seller :) Best wishes!

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  39. *grabs popcorn*
    *waits for bestseller*
    :p
    Yeah I'm too late but hope you had a kickass onam

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  40. :D :D :D
    The first thing you know after your book gets published ('cause it definitely will), the advertisers are going to buy it and counter the points. It will give you a reason to write a sequel and they will buy it again until you are a bestseller and filthy rich and people become fairer by face and darker in brains. ;P

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  41. wow! I mean you described it so well :)
    This was real hilarious! MAN! :D

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  42. Bang on! I'll be the first one to buy that book girl... !

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  43. hahaha.... what an observation! :P

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  44. hahahah! This post cracked me up like anything! but on a serious note, this shows an ugly and 'unfair' side of our rotten perceptions and judgments as well! too gud!

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  45. I hate how people advertise that your life will change if you become fair and paint a rags to riches story just because your skin becomes fair.

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  46. Yes the final ingredient is Photoshop, but the sad part is many fall for this gimmick (and spend money on the product)

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  47. Haaha... I think you should really give that book a serious thought. Only Indians have mastered the art of selling Fairness Cream, let the world get on board as well.

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  48. Loved your take on this issue...inspite of knowing the raelity we guys love to get trapped willingly...magic of presentation!

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  49. habits seldom die hard...!! and above all most of the advertisements including fairness ones are comic too if we compare them with practicality.nice one!

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  50. Well... :D Absolutely fair post ;) No doubt. The book would be a best seller. when is it releasing, R.H?

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  51. Good one! The Indian Advertisements works as a bullet to the 'Aam Aadmi's' minds and they act accordingly!

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Spit It Out I Say !!!