Friday, 19 December 2014

An Ode To The Indian Toilet...


Dear Indian Toilet,

Nothing screamed of your slow demise more than the Harpic advertisement, where you were heartlessly replaced by your western counterpart. Renovation after renovation, you were destroyed, only to survive in areas that were yet to be touched by westernization and joint problems. In a world where everyone and everything pretends to be urban and red carpet, you have become a symbol of rural living. But I shall miss you.

You my friend taught me my first and only known yoga pose, Malasana. You made me squat before squatting became mainstream. You would be surprised to read this but you also taught me the art of meditation. You see, with you I only had the option of staring at the opposite wall or the ant steadfastly walking on the handle of the red bucket. Sometimes I would work on my predilection for peeling the paint off the opposite wall by counting the numerous bindis my mother had left on the washbasin mirror, permanently stuck because she found them too unhygienic to be used again. Our romance was always interrupted by the numbness creeping into my feet, forcing me to leave you temporarily. But you knew, I would always come back.

I still remember the day those men came to my house. We already had an English version of you on the first floor of our place, rarely used because we all loved you. But my grandfather was 78 and you knew that he couldn’t garner enough flexibility to use you. He needed a seat, which the western toilet with its ceramic throne kindly provided. Your demise was inevitable but let me tell you something; you served us well my friend.

You are well aware that innovations make life easy and I know that you would scream “traitor!!”, but I have to tell you that it did not take time for me to fall in love with your western avatar.  On the day following a strenuous workout at the gym, I didn’t have to scream out a cuss word or two every time I had to attend the nature’s call because unlike you, the western toilet understood my limitations. But as much as there are pros to something, there are cons. The western toilet has sprouted my yearning for extra entertainment like replying to important mails through phone, watching viral YouTube videos or stalking the ex, which wasn’t possible with you because all available energy was utilized by me towards keeping myself from falling into you.

You might be thinking, why a letter now? Well, I was forced to squat yesterday while fitting accessories on the lowest branch of my Christmas tree and guess what, I fell backwards. Wouldn’t have happened, had I stayed loyal to you.

Until we meet again (courtesy-Indian railways).

Love,
Your once devoted user.


P.S- I know that blogging works on a give and take basis. I also know that I haven't stalked other blogs for long, owing to being a junior lawyers who gets excited at the mere mention of the word 'sleep'. I humbly apologize. I shall stalk you soon! 

103 comments:

  1. Omg.. red... only you could come up with such a post... :D

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  2. I can't stop laughing! You are a gem when it comes to creating humor out of everyday life!

    P.S.
    I too discovered the power of smartphone when the Indian version at home was replaced!

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    Replies
    1. This comment made me smile. :D
      Western toilet spoils us!

      Delete
  3. Haha good one 😂. Merry Christmas in advance 😃

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  4. This!! Not sure what & how you were inspired! ;)

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  5. Red!
    You are awesome! :'D
    Even though this was a 'shitty' post..I loved how I could relate to it :D

    P.S.I still have an Indian toilet at my place :P

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    Replies
    1. I want to visit your place. I mean it. :D

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  6. Dear Indian Toilet,
    Thank you for my amazingly strong buttocks, hamstrings, thighs and every imaginable muscle. You were my first gym :)


    Nicely done, Red. And welcome back.

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    Replies
    1. FIRST GYM INDEEEED.
      I dont have strong anything though...

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  7. Hahahahahahahahahahahaaa... U fell back.

    loved this letter

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    1. ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

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  8. Blogging initially works on back scratching but after you have created a niche, people flock regardless.
    And Sid above said, what I wanted to say.

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    Replies
    1. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I hope I create that niche. :)

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  9. hahahah! this post cracked me up!

    I just abhor Indian styled toilets and western ones are no less then a boon! :D

    lovely post!

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    Replies
    1. how can you abhor the best invention ever!!!!!!!!!

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  10. hilarious! I just love the way you detailed things that are not usually accustomed to scrutiny..lol

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    Replies
    1. hahah thank you and welcome to my humble blog.

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  11. ROFL! As they say, be Indian and do India.

    Not a problem, enjoy your break and the holiday season.

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  12. Hilarious, .... as age catches up people switch over to the "western" but I think its come to be the order of the day of late.

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    Replies
    1. it definitely has....Thank you so much for reading.

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  13. Tell me from where you get such innovative ideas for a post??? Tell me tell me!!!

    Enjoyed reading it. Always been an Indian commode lover and loyalist :) western avatars, according to me are unhygienic.

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    Replies
    1. hahah well..This time the Christmas tree decoration gave me this India.
      Hi5. I love the Indian commode!

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  14. ROFL :D
    Red, your sense of humor... *hats off*

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  15. Lol! Can't stop myself from laughing..I am very surprised to actually see the post only. From where you get such ideas?? I am still scratching my head. :D

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    Replies
    1. The last para says it. I fell. :(
      I LOVE YOU!

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  16. You have inspired me! I love my Indian WC too (we still have one at my mom's... All the childhood memories associated with it!). I will cross link your post in mine. Muaah!

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    Replies
    1. thank you so much!!!!! Welcome to my blog. :)

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  17. LOL ! This was hilarious ! I vouch for the meditation though and also the inherent flexibility it imposes. :) Great post !

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    Replies
    1. hahaha meditation it forces u into!!
      Thank you for reading!

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  18. Waah Waah ... wat an idea madamji :D

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  19. Lol @numbness. What nostalgia!

    You know what I hate about western toilets? The backlash (you know what I mean).

    It's a shame hotels don't have Indian toilets I hate the water jets of modern English toilets. Takes so much maneuvering and waiting. :p

    Cheers
    CRD

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    Replies
    1. BACKLASH...Hhahahahahahhah why I didnt think of that!!!!
      Chinese jets no? Chinese brought in that. We have it at home :(

      Delete
  20. :D Was it totally inappropriate that I pictured myself in all those situations that you described in your letter? Hilarious to the bone ! :)

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    Replies
    1. hahaha I love that u pictured yourself...hahahah Now it makes me laugh!!!

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  21. Lol!! What a hilarious letter :D This is called coming back with a blast :D

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  22. What an ode!! I serioulsy think that if we still had Indian toilet in our house I would have been a fitter person. Luxuries suck :p

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    Replies
    1. Indian toilet was my morning stretch.....sigh..now no exercise!
      Luxuries r for already thin people!

      Delete
  23. You have a way of making everything sound hilarious.

    Always a fan of posts.

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    Replies
    1. How extremely kind of you. Thanks a ton!
      I mean it!

      Delete
  24. haha!! Love this unique take Red Handed on the Indian toilet which might be passe now. I've never been that flexible to use it and done it a couple of times. The western wala made me feel more decent..and less exerting my frail body:)

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    Replies
    1. frail body? yeah Indian toilets need u to be fit...not for everyone. I am blessed :P
      Thanks a ton for reading Boss!

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  25. I am sure if the Indian toilet could read or hear your tribute would sure feel proud of teaching basic yoga postures right from the time we came to our senses( or even before!!). Keep going Red ... may the New Year usher in more happiness and even more readership!

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    1. Thank you Sir!!! Have a great Christmas and an equally amazing New year!

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  26. Ah memories!... I have even mastered the skill of squatting a reading while doing the job. And now when i think of it, that was SOME skill. :D

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    1. SERIOUSLY???That is indeed some skill! DAMN! I never took the risk!

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  27. Haha... Red this was brilliant! I visit this old friend sometimes when I'm at my grandparents' place....it is a task! ;)

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    Replies
    1. hahahah....thank you. My grandparents changed my friend into a western one :(

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  28. Hahahahaha..Sandaas apna apna.

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    1. HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHA
      Thankyou!!

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  29. hahaha Red...the Indian Toilet must be real happy after this letter :D

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  30. LOL! a very funny one indeed :D You are superb!

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  31. Your seriously amazing Red.The way you had related our Indian toilets to work outs..that's really hilarious & quite true too...enjoyed reading it....;-)

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    Replies
    1. You are generous with your kind words. Thanks a ton for reading.

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  32. Oh! my my what a wonderful post. The way you described spending time and numbness in the feet, all these things happen and you brought it out so amazingly.

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  33. Hello Red,
    You didn't publish my comment..
    Anything wrong with it??

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  34. Hilarious Red.. Happy Christmas

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  35. hahhah Courtesy the Indian railways -- how true. Yesterday, I used an Indian toilet after ages at the airport of all places. Indeed, it had its pros and cons. Frankly, I would prefer to use it at any public restroom.

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    Replies
    1. I prefer Indian in public bathrooms...!!!
      Thanks for reading!!!

      Delete
  36. Leave your job :P
    and keep entertaining us :D

    Once again loved it :)

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  37. The new westerisation has only made us more lazy! If we still had the old Indian toilet atleast one pose of yoga would have been guaranteed for everyone :P

    Nice to have you back Red, you were missed.

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    Replies
    1. hahah yes one pose of Yoga atleast daily once or twice!!
      I missed blogging too!!
      Thanks Leo!

      Delete
  38. Heyyy being myself away from blog world....had missed reading your posts!!

    Haha...you really find humour out of nowhere!! Awesome!!

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    Replies
    1. Thank youuuuuuuuuu....this means so much to me.

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  39. Humorous take, Red :)
    Indian Railways have Western ones too these days!
    Toilets- Indian/Western much needed for Swachh Bharat :)
    Merry Christmas! Enjoy! Don't fall off while eating the goodies & cakes! :)

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  40. funny read :)..made my moments lighter keep writing

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  41. lol Red, no wonder you can pick up anything and write sense about it..
    I still am rolling over the fact where you stressed over doing Yoga..:P AttaGirl, I see the secret of good health now..:P
    merry Xmas
    stay blessed...

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  42. OMG! This is so funny. :)
    Glad to have found your blog and looking forward to read more of your work. :)

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  43. Had a good laugh! You are good, Red! Squatting is the best posture for cleaning the bowels completely, I feel. I feel the old one is better when we use it outside our home. I am not comfortable to keep my back on the seat where spots might be there which might not be visible! Old one is harmless!

    Happy New Year!

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  44. LOL.. Only and only you could have written this !!

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  45. Good one! Seriously though some of our old customs keep the body flexible. Sitting cross legged on the floor is another activity that has been omitted.

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  46. This was classic Red!!! :D On a serious note, yes it is absolutely unthinkable to go back to the old pose.

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  47. I was in splits...and guess what read it to my Mother, who's still giggling :P
    This was brilliant...Woman, you're awesome :D

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  48. Happy new year Red! Was away on a vacation that I missed your post.

    The post of ROFL hilarious! There are still some people who prefer the Indian version while others like us go with the latest and better in the market :P

    So many people today opt for one Indian version and one western version. Sounds like a fair compromise? ;)

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  49. Lol. When I saw the first pic somewhere (sometime back), I started laughing so much, thinking why someone would use it that way! :-D

    But the transition from Indian to Western was a huge thing those days right? Lol :-)

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  50. Lolzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    And, OMG... I miss it too...

    Very nice one Red...

    Between...
    Back after a long gap... I shall catch up other posts soon... Thanks a lot for your constant support in my virtual vacations... May this New Year bring happiness and smiles..

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  51. Who else other than you can think of such things. :D
    I use both kinds with ease. But I have read it recently that the squatting method used in the Eastern toilets are much better, health-wise, to do the deed. :-)
    And search for Japanese-style toilets and be surprised. ;-)

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  52. Killer :D :D

    You're one piece, girl :) I'm in awe of the subjects you choose to write about :D :D :D

    True, the Indian toilets gave us ample opportunities for exercise, as compared to their western counterparts ;) And , the latter was also a sign of luxury in the past when they were not quite common....
    Yes, we have forgotten the art of squatting :D

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  53. Hahaha!!! I'm in office, and i can't stop laughing! And the worst part is... I was nodding in agreement with every other line! I used to find weird faces in the peeling paint and moist patches in the wall in front of me! :D

    P.S. My washbasin mirror used to be full of mum's bindis as well!! :P

    Loved this post!

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  54. Indian Rail is slowly switching to western too, as I happened to note in a few trains, but they look so unhygienic! But the whole idea of shitting on rails....well different story! Your post is too good Red.

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  55. Only you can make such a nice read out of an Indian Closet. The toilet Gods must be showering their scat blessings upon you.. And how is the Law Job ? Black coat and all..Must be something else altogether.

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    Replies
    1. hehe I left litigation. Wasnt exactly my cup of tea. Now a taxation legal executive :D

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Spit It Out I Say !!!