Tuesday, 2 December 2014

I am a winner.I don't even lose weight.


I need to lose weight. The mirror in my bedroom seems to have a concave surface every time I look at it. This reader’s digest with its every damn issue wants me to lose weight. I am so desperate!

Ok, enough, I will start today. I will start my day with a glass of warm lemon water in the morning with a drop of honey in it. Priyanka told me that this chick from college who resembled a vermicelli strand, used to drink boiling hot water after every meal. Helps with the digestion she said. I will also drink boiling hot water. I have heard that lemon water also helps you pass the stool easier. Stool! What a funny word. A stool also means a small bench and it also means faeces. Faeces, even that is a funny word. Reminds me of the cosmetic brand Faces. Boiling water after every meal it is!

I will start working out in the morning. 30 minutes on the elliptical, 15 minutes on the treadmill and some floor exercises, that would be enough to chisel my body to perfection. Actually, I have heard that Jillian Michaels has this video online called the ‘30 Day Shred’ which is an exercise video of 20 minutes but it is said to kick ass. Last time I saw her video, she claimed that giving her 20 minutes is equivalent to ‘spending hours of phonying at the gym’. I will give her my 20 minutes. She is so hot! Lesbians are hot, except those who pretend to be men, like the ones they show in ‘Orange is the new black’. 20 minutes I will give her, every morning. But I have to be at work 9 am and this is when I don’t have a case to attend. Stupid law! Why did I become a lawyer? Ok, I will wake up at 5 am and workout or maybe I will work out after work because then I won’t have that morning ugly face which needs time to fix. Also, because of the food I ate since morning, I would be having high energy levels. Evening workout it is!

Or maybe, I should just diet. I will start with some cornflakes in the morning. Deepika Padukone feels special after having cornflakes. So, what if I don’t drink milk? I will just have cornflakes dry, pretending that it is Bhel Puri. I will not eat the snacks that the cycle chai wala gets us at work. Also, two chappatis in the afternoon for lunch and two cups of green tea throughout the day. I hate green tea! Ok, I will let it cool down completely and gulp it down in one go. I even read somewhere that cold green tea has more anti-oxidants than hot green tea. My problem is solved. I eat so much at night. I will skip dinner. Actually, I won’t eat anything after 6 pm. In that book ‘Lose weight and not your mind’ the author said that your stomach gets sleepy and that it’s at its best between 7 am -10 am. Oh! The book's name was ‘Don’t lose your mind, Lose your weight.’ Maybe I will follow the reverse diet! Have heavy breakfast, comparatively less heavy lunch and little dinner. May be I will just have fruits at night. There is an apple lying in the fridge.

Fridge. There is ice-cream in the fridge.

P.S- I am in the ‘last line’ stage. Everyday
P.P.S- I missed blogging. Lawyering is keeping me on my toes. So many blogs to read!




96 comments:

  1. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper!:) Regardless of what you read!

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  2. hehehe It is a crazy world out there and it seems to be driving you nuts. Chill.

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  3. Hahahahhahhahahaha :D

    Do not see anything that is written on the Holy grail of Internet if u want to lose weight. On one page a celebrity dietician will tell you to stop snacking ...another will tell you to eat cake because it boosts metabolism . What works for you will not work for me. Simple. :D

    On a different note, stop bothering about weight as long as you are in a healthy bracket. YOLO !

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    Replies
    1. cake ? did u say cake? WHY did you say cake?! There goes my weight watching!!!

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  4. hahah! that was funny. Smart biz pple have made a million dollar industry out of this weight loss mania! see Vandana Luthara, the bulky entrepreneur, her weight loss programs sell like like hot cakes!

    I agree with Mr. Rahul Bhatia. This is the best way to manage meals :)

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  5. Don't lose your mind-that's the key..good luck :-)

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  6. I would have shared my food regime, but that would just involve more junk food, cakes, chocolates and coffee. (Wait, did I just invite myself for a beating party?)

    I have seen people going extremes with the dieting thing just to get slim. I guess that would be a unhealthy way. Though not as unhealthy as my junk food, but that's not point. Eat healthy like the one you mentioned about the breakfast, lunch and dinner. That is near perfect regime. And accordingly work out. But the point is not to stress yourself about losing weight. Consider it as a way to get healthy.

    Okay, I should stop now. I know nothing about all this business. But, I feel that the weight factor shouldn't stop us from eating what we love eating.

    Eat healthy. Stay healthy.
    Take care.

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    Replies
    1. hahaah This post isnt about me being depressed about my weight. This is a normal thought process of a woman regarding her weight. Ask anyone :p

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  7. You got all the right information. Just need to act on it!!!

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  8. Now only if I could lose my mind and weight... ;)

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  9. ha ha...getting married soon? thinking about dieting/or not dieting and losing/not losing weight?

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  10. hahhaha.. i love your thought process! Don't push yourself too much Red. Change one thing at a time in your schedule and you'll do wonders. :*

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    Replies
    1. I keep telling myself that. One tiny tweak. Never happens :(

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  11. Did I see me through your words? I really drink hot water after lunch, you know?
    And, I have a packet of awful tasting unopened packets of green tea which is nearing its expiry date.
    And, about getting up at 5AM... you have to sleep at 10PM... I can sleep at 10PM... But waking up?!!!

    I was ROFL when I read this: "I will just have cornflakes dry, pretending that it is Bhel Puri."

    Nice one Red aka Deepika-in-making...

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    Replies
    1. haahha I am so glad you could relate. We women are all the same :P
      Thank you so much for reading!

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  12. You always win in making us smile

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  13. Am surely going to wait for the 'follow up' post to figure out what it is that you are exactly doing from all of the above mentioned suggestions and possibilities :)

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    Replies
    1. hahaahahah I wonder what the follow up post be consisting of :P

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  14. And back with a cracker post! :D
    Too many people giving advice out there...just chill Red!

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  15. :D :D.. So finally what happens ? did u do something ? I for once, am tired with the numerous suggestions and ways to loose weight...

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    Replies
    1. I am tired too! I didnt do anything :P

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  16. Seems as if there are so many different theories on ways to lose weight, but the one universal one is exercise :) it never fails.

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  17. I loveeee you. You hate green tea? Me tooo!!!!
    I promised myself that I'll drink that green crap twice every day for at-least a month. But half a cup on the first day, made me throw the whole packet to the bin. And every time I see Sonakshi's weight loss.... I feel so motivated until I see the tread-mill... or that chocolate bar in my bag. Sigh!

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    Replies
    1. I love you too. I hate green tea but I heard its really good for you :P
      Sonakshi sinha is making me feel so bad :(

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  18. Well story of my life :D Even as I read through your post, the words Bhel Puri, Snacks, Ice cream caught my attention first. Need I say more? Oh Red! When will we get the will power?

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    Replies
    1. WILL power....hmmm is only they made pills which gave it to those who has less of it :P

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  19. LOL!!! I have been doing the same for years now. Plan. Plan. Plan. Never got inyo implementation stage. :-P

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  20. I actually started what I like to call an 'all diet'. Its a pretty nice thing, you have motivated me to post the details on my blog!

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  21. Be careful about having too much ice-cream that too in the Winter, Red... Better pass the tub to me :) :)
    Take care! And find time to blog, ok?

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  22. Haha there are too many crazy ideas being promoted for weight loss :) I say it's all about a healthy lifestyle you can maintain!

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    Replies
    1. healthy lifestyle sounds so difficult man!

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  23. Boiling water sounds a little drastic :O I have heard luke warm water with a few drops of lemon and honey works but the side effect is that it makes you tired and weary and gives you a low BP.
    Green tea works but only if you drink gallons of it. This has a side effect too... you end up having too much caffeine :/
    So every remedy has a side effect. I think it we would lose our mind before we lose weight. I gave up trying.

    Nice post. Could relate to it, to every word of it! :)

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    Replies
    1. I just have the green tea. not the lemon stuff. UGHHHH!!!
      Hhahaha glad you could relate!

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  24. I will give you a very simple solution...
    >> start living by yourself >> start cooking full time >> pledge to eat what you cook or be broke enough to not purchase anything apart from grocery .. :D
    Its effective. hehe.

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    Replies
    1. hahahahaah I am sure it is effecive!!

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  25. Story of my gf..

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  26. ROFL! What an amazing post.. this is the story of my life too! :D I make all amazing diet plans when my stomach is full..and by the time I start the plan. I am hungry again!

    Missed you! Keep writing! :) :*

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    Replies
    1. I missed you!!! I think of dieting after every damn meal :(

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  27. Good to see you back with a good dose of your usual sarcasm. God, how I missed you! You are beautiful thin or fat. I've been there, done that. Just finished my tub of ice cream and smacking my lips after reading your post :)

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    Replies
    1. I have missed you and blogging too. I am going to visit your blog soon!!!! I need ice-cream now!

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  28. I love the way you titled the blog. :) Funny....and true. I guess this is true with so many women and men equally who are serious but not serious about the "diet" part...hahaha

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    Replies
    1. hahahaah thank you so much for reading!

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  29. You are so like me. I want to be thin but it's just a word for me and I have super glamorous friends who post super super glamorous pictures on social media. Oh, I have model friends too. I am doomed. Please let me know if anything works. I can't do those cardios and also, somewhere in my mind I think you are not fat. You just say it.

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    1. I hate my super glamorous friends. Ummmm...haha!
      Model friends are the worst no?
      Now I want you to know me personally. pls!:D

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    2. :) You are most welcome to reveal your identity to me. :P And be my friend ofcourse. We will bitch together.

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  30. That's okay Red, Chill, when u really want to lose, you will :) sometimes being fat is just a feeling

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  31. arre baba....eat all you want!! After all we have one life....khavanu, peevanu, majja nee life....!!

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    Replies
    1. The evil side of me keeps telling me that. Are you my evil side?

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  32. I am like one of those people- however much I eat I don't gain weight :D *YaY*

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  33. Dieting is something which I can never do.work outs an all I can easily handle but handling by taste buds when I knew That Der is an ice cream in the fridge is basically impossible with me.& I end up breaking that diet comforting myself by saying "ek baar kaane se kuch nahi hoga"...& I end up covering all those calories which I had lost...
    & then again the cycle keeps repeating..!! Rofl...

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    Replies
    1. Exactly. I can workout but never diet . but then again dieting and workout shud go hand in hand :(

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  34. I could so relate to you. I am fighting with a stubborn lower abb fat... Jillian's workouts are awesome. They did help me a little but then friday comes and I gorge down pastas and pizzas like an Italian restaurant. :D

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    Replies
    1. I am fighting with a stubborn full body fat :P
      Jillian is kick ass!

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  35. Whatever you do...dont read those shitty magazines and dont watch these commercials !! Make believe... Everything...!!!

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  36. Hahaha. Why do you reflect my thoughts so often? :'D
    I am going through a 'I need to lose weight' phase too. What I did was eat junk food while watching a zumba video .____. Hopelessness it is!

    P.S. My blog has moved to a new address http://thegaptoothedsmile.blogspot.in

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    Replies
    1. Hhaha I am so glad you could relate! I am on my way to your blog!

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  37. word DISCIPLINE applies to every aspect of life.if you really have discipline,you will have control on everything and diet too is part of it.becoming fat or obese is indiscipline in eating habits.fat people are really big turn off unless if you are suffering from hormone issue or some medical illness.fat people sitting adjacent to you in a budget airliner is like squeezing you,same is in multiplex when their hands occupy half of your seat .am conscious when i eat,i don't eat junk food like burgers,pizzas,samosas,hot dogs etc etc.i restrict myself to home made food but i do eat two ice creams every day and they are made of fruit or natural.fat people are really nightmare.

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  38. Haha. We have something else in common. Being a foodie and trying to be fit is like trying to jump and not trying to jump at the same time. But when you can balance it, you can keep the cake and eat it too :-)

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  39. Love to read your posts, red. Hilarious this one. But there is truth too right. Losing weight is one big task. Dieting, exercising and a lot more to do. I end up reading the tips and that's it. ;)

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  40. Same pinch !!! During the team outings, the others hog on food. I restrict myself. And say no to desserts. But my cheeks become more chubbier and they remain the same :(

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  41. Why lose anything? Losing is not good, is what my ultra-competitive Physical Education sir from school used to say. So I don't voluntarily involve myself in any activity that involves losing - be it weight or sports. Plus, all you need to be healthy is to stay in shape. And round is a shape, no?

    Sid
    www.iwrotethose.com

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  42. My room-mate has a well toned physique. Whenever I ask him for tips about diet and workout he gives the same reply, "Forget following a diet. Eat all you want and whatever you like. Maintaining a diet is boring as hell and very torturous." :-/

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  43. You can plan whatever you like .... the ice-cream would ruin it all ;-)

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  44. I can understand what you are saying. I have started gaining weight now and it is not long before I start looking like a pumpkin. But, they tell me pumpkins are cute. :P

    Missed reading your posts. I wondered why and then realized I am not on blogspot anymore. Subscribed again! :)

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  45. I began by patience, and self analysis. Started with walking went onto jogging, now I am in the stage where I run everyday. 40minutes. No dieting just controlled amounts of food whatever it is. Then there's a few healthy habits like reducing the size of dinner and heavy breakfast. Try different things I guess and then do whatever you feel most comfortable doing. Take care. :)

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  46. There is a joke- The doctor: You should reduce wait,so control your diet.
    The patient :Yes,doctor.
    After two weeks:You have increased your weight.Haven't you controlled the diet?
    Yes,doctor I had asked my maid to do that.Everything she does for me.
    Nice post.

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  47. The thing is - some people eat eat and eat and are still thin. And then there are some who don't eat a thing, but are on the fatter side. I thought, why confuse my body. I eat and am on the fatter side :D

    Wonderful read, Red :)

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  48. You seem to have written what's on my mind. I am a winner too, in your words :D Loved reading this, Red. Sorry for being away all this time. Really missed your blog.

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  49. kheekheekheee!! You read my mind, Red!!!

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  50. haha... well what can I say Red ...I'm a winner too like you ;)

    Keep blogging , missed reading you !

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  51. Don't forget the sona something belts.. buckle them around and they vibrate like crazies. According to Tele shop guys, sumo turns into shakira

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  52. Very well said that eat breakfast like a king and lunch like prince!! I also follow this. I usually take Green drink in dinner as it is healthy and this way we gets lots of fibre in our body. Thanks for your sharing here!

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Spit It Out I Say !!!