Monday, 2 February 2015

IN PURSUIT OF A GOOD BLOUSE TAILOR


Last week, when Barack Obama and his wife visited India to be a part of our Republic Day parade, rumours had it that Mr.Narendra Modi might gift 100 Benarasi sarees to the first lady as a gesture of goodwill. Now this way of tightening cross border friendship deeply troubled me because our Prime Minister failed to answer one important thing, ‘Where will Michelle Obama find a good Blouse tailor?’

Once a girl reaches the threshold of womanhood, she begins to understand that she can no longer inveigle herself into believing that her T-shirt can make up for a saree blouse. It is then that she begins her pursuit to find the one who understands her enough to wondrously stitch out the perfect saree blouse and mind you, a good blouse tailor is not an easy catch.

If you think about it, blouse making shouldn’t be an arduous task. You provide the tailor with the matching piece of cloth which you spent hours to select, leaving you wish that you were colour blind and all he has to do is stitch out a decent blouse by following your measurements. You even ignore it when the tailors, irrespective of the gender, use more of their hands and less of the measuring tape to chalk down your size. You brave it all, just for that one perfect blouse. The result is almost always, disappointing.

My first blouse tailor was obsessed with Egypt. Why else would he stitch out a blouse that made it look like I had pyramids built on my chest? Another tailor made a blouse so tight that I began to think that I had deceived puberty and was continuing to be flat-chested. The tailor I went to get a blouse stitched for my college farewell ardently took down all the measurements and promised to not disappoint me like the others did. Interestingly, I attended the farewell wearing a blouse that resembled a shirt because the tailor didn’t want to upset my family by cutting my back low. Then there was this particular tailor who added pads inside my blouse and his reasoning was a classic “Medem, aapke wo jo haina, wo kaafi nahi hai.Sleepless nights were spent considering a boob job.

Now it is a universal fact that all women secretly hate each other. There is this woman my mother is friends with whose blouses are so perfect that you might doubt if they were pasted on her. Others including my mother would regularly swarm around her encouraging her to divulge the name and whereabouts of her tailor. Her answer was always, “Yahan ka nahi hai. He belongs to my village. I got this stitched when I went home.” Such a bitch!

Recently, I happened to come across this particular guy who ran a small tailoring shop named ‘OOH LA LAAA’ near my brother’s school. I wonder what might have been the reason behind me choosing him. May be it was the proximity to my place or the fact that he was ready to first stitch a trial blouse to clear my confusion. I was sold! After a week of questioning my patience, this gem of a guy gifted me a blouse that made me wonder if he knew my proportions better than me.  I had finally struck gold after going through so much dirt.

A woman’s relationship with her blouse tailor is unique. He knows what she means when she requires a Vidya Balan style blouse, or when she says “Bhaiyya front deep chahiye. But not that deep ok?”. He knows the contours of her upper body better than her boy friend and he is ready to make alterations to her heart’s desire. He is true to his words when he says he will give her the blouse on Saturday and he never messes with her cup size. He knows when she has gained a couple of kilos and silently increases the length of the blouse to cover up her peeping back tire. He should be declared an Indian Super hero.

I wore my new tailor’s creation to a wedding recently. A friend asked, “Kahan se silwaya?”. I flushed a bit, looked at mother while replying, “Yahan ka nahi hai. He belongs to my village. I got this stitched when I went home.”

I blame it on Muliebrity!

P.S- I am not dead. :) 

145 comments:

  1. ha ha....welcome back Red! A little of writer's block proved good for you if you come back like this :P back with a deep slit :D:D rofl

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    1. Thank you soooooooooo much for being the first to read.

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  2. This is why I love you! Been there, done that :D Thanfully, my mom stitches mine. But you know how it is like, she refuses to cut deep down :D So yeah, most of the times, I used to end up with the t shirt blouse!

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    1. ahaha my mother is bad with needle work so I totally depend of the whimsical tailors. Thank you so much for reading A!!!

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  3. Haha...I have always been on search for that divine artist!!!!! Haven't yet found the perfect one!

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  4. "Medem, aapke wo jo haina, wo kaafi nahi hai." :P :P
    Red, I love your posts. Period.

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    1. Thank youuuu you beautiful woman!!!

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  5. Also the pic - ladies tailor - a telugu movie - was very apt.

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    1. hahah I was lucky to come across it on google.

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  6. Hmm - These days I am not too sure that expressing my enjoyment of this post will not prove fatal :)

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  7. hehehe.....hahaaa...how much can I type to laugh..my goodnes...Red, you did it again. kaha se silwaya...bolo na...plss....mein aur kisi ko nahi boloongi...promise. :D..why I laughed so hard is I come from a family of tailors....first being my mom...not me though. And we (read me) always always tortured her for not getting my blouse right. And guess what reasons she gives, you don't have enough flesh...that's why the fitting is not proper...gosh!! Last but not least, yeha pein tailors ka bahut demand hai...she gets away however she stitches. Now that she is going back to India, people are like, teri maa wapas kab aayegi? I think I need to write a post on this ...glad to see you back

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    1. Mein Nahi bataungi. :P
      Your mom is a tailor? Damn I wish my mother watch. Would have saved me the humiliation ...
      Write the post and I would love to read it.

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  8. "Madam aapke wo kaafi nahi hain"!!!!!!!! ROFL
    I'm wondering how come all your blouse tailors are a 'he'?! ;)

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    1. Ok. I have to accept something. I am biased. I think men stitch better and give good haircuts too. Its a weird thought. I have been to women tailors too but they all sucked..atleast the ones I went to :(

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  9. hahahahahah! this one had me in splits! I do not wear saris but whenever I'll wear, I'll contact that OOH LA LAAA tailor! and it is a very logical point about Mrs Obama- where would she get the blouses stitched from???

    hahaha!

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    1. hehe Thank you so much for reading.Mr OOH LALAA will have more business now!

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  10. Hahahahahaha.. What an amazing post...
    I'm still on the hunt for my blouse-magician.. ;) :D

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    1. haha its a never ending search. Thanks for reading!

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  11. It was fun reading your post Red..
    What an imagination you have..!! And the creativity to put them into right words and serve a good laugh for others..
    Totally enjoyed reading it..

    Cheers

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    1. You are kind. Thank you !!
      I am glad you liked what you read.

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  12. Once again an awesome post....I never stitched blouse but I stitched few Churidhars.The uncle who stitches it always uses my piece of cloth to show his hidden talent, every time I ask him to put a deep back neck, he shuts my mouth saying "beta itna deep acha nahi hoga"...& I will be like it's a back neck uncle not front neck ..:-P

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    1. hahaha our tailors care more about the society than our parents. LOG KYA KAHENGE deep neck dekh ke.
      Thanks for reading !!

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  13. You are back. And how! Oh la la.

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  14. hahahhahhahha... oh my god!!! I knew it, I was so sure that only your post can compel me to break my month long hibernation from the blog world and comment on other people's blog.

    “Medem, aapke wo jo haina, wo kaafi nahi hai.” bwahahhahhahhahahahhaah.. this must have been sooooo awkward, Red!

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    1. ARE WAH!! I feel so good after reading this!! Thank you so much. Your blog is one of the few I soooooo love.

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  15. genuinely hilarious post.but more f a girl thing though..btw,america too has got saree shops t seems!

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  16. Trust you to come with such exclusive pieces! :D

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  17. He he, you are the only one who can write from Michelle Obama to blouse stitching woes. Typical Red Handed post :)

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    1. Thank you so much Keirthana. You have always been supportive!

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  18. I'm in no way qualified to talk about 'blouses', but welcome back, Red.

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  19. There was a tailor who refused to stitch me a halter neck blouse because he didn't want to disappoint my mom for the fear of her never returning back to his shop! This post had me laughing out loud! Loved it :)

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    1. hehe whimsical tailors indeed!! Thank you for reading!

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  20. See, I told you. No one would forget you.

    And, umm.. Nice post. That's all I can say. :)

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  21. aapke wo kaafi ho ya na ho, entertainment bhar bhar ke hei :)

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  22. You know I had the exact same thought when I had the 100 saris rumor!!

    And yeah I have met a few who would stitch the blouse like a shirt :S

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  23. "Medem, aapke wo jo haina, wo kaafi nahi hai." WTHHHHH...super-hilarious :D :D :D
    Well, no one wears saree in my family so I really don't know much about the ordeal of finding the perfect blouse tailor. Nonetheless, it sure was an interesting read. :D

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    1. NOONE WEARS SAREE IN YOUR FAMILY?
      Cool man!!
      I am glad you read this!

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  24. Haha Red, this brings many unpleasant (but funny)memories with blouse tailors!

    Nice to see you back here :)

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    1. Thank you so much. Your comment made me feel special. :)

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  25. Although I am male, I have done enough trips to the blouse tailor with my wife and sis in law, especially just before my sis in law's wedding to understand what you are talking about in this post :D

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    1. hahaha good to know that you had the opportunity to view our misery.
      Thank you so much for reading!

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  26. Hehehehehe! Good one Red! Glad that you are back. Missed your posts :)

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  27. Hahahaha! Red, you are amazing! :D

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  28. Amen to this post ! Yes every woman shares this unique bond with the blouse tailor that other people (men) will never understand ! And no one divulges his name or whereabouts ...it is almost like an illicit affair :D

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    1. ILLICIT AFFAIR..hahahah....
      We do share a unique bond with our tailors.

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  29. hahahaha...this made me laugh real loud, sitting in the office when I am supposed to work :P

    I totally understand what you mean by blouse tailor being the superhero! Most of the times, even after being 'measured' and everything.....there is always something that goes wrong. And then my mom comes for my rescue. All my tailored garments have to go through momma tailor before I can wear it.

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    1. Should I be upset that your laughed while in office? No, I derived a sick pleasure :D
      Moms are our only rescue!!

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  30. Super!. I loved this post, Red. And I am yet to find that perfect Indian super hero. :(

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  31. Finding a good blouse tailor is like a journey, you kiss many frogs before you land up with the Prince.

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    1. No one could have put it any better!!
      Thank you for reading!!!!

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  32. Gawd!! It's so much easier to be a man. :D
    This is one of your most hilarious posts. It made be empathise with you folks even though I never have to go through any such ordeal. But it made laugh even more harder.

    But, when I was in engineering, we studied calculus in M2 or M3. You can calculate the surface area of a curved surface using surface integration. Now I wonder, if anyone ever thought of using calculus to, you know, err... stitch a blouse. ;-) :P

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    1. WOW...That is an exceptional idea. Sad part is not many engineers become blouse tailors. :P

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  33. Omg! Red you are back with a bang!! :D Hilarious!

    I still remember the n no. tailors I hunted for that perfect blouse for my wedding lehngas n sarees! Sigh! Not a single blouse stiched since...won't go through that torture again! ;)

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    1. HAHAHA..I am so glad you could relate to this one.
      Thank you for reading!

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  34. The good ones are pricey, but the worst part is "you will get it after one month"
    Like that ‘OOH LA LAAA’

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  35. Hilarious! The best was won jo hai..lololol...loved it!!!
    I call these Tailor Tantrums and wrote a post sometime back. Similar tales https://happinessandfood.wordpress.com/2014/10/24/t-tantrums/

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    1. Great! Let me check your post out!!!

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  36. 'wo apke kaafi nahi hai' heheheheh :P i have a sexy blouse tailor, yahan ka hi hai, makes dhinchak vidya balan types blouses. number chahiye?:P

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    1. De Do Plis!!!!!
      :D Thanks for reading!!

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    2. :D:D you'll have to come to bombay...nd secret identity shall be busted. All for a blouse:P tis my plot u see.

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  37. Red you capture it so beautifully, those true moments, seriously!

    I gave up at 'wo jo hain', I mean seriously, I've had the weirdest encounters!!

    Keep the awesomeness coming!

    Take care.

    xx

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    1. Hahah I am glad you liked it!!!!
      Thanks a lot!!!

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  38. I've only had two blouses stitched so far - one for Ethnic Day and one for my graduation.
    I like to think that the Ethnic Day blouse, though a little tight (and VERY uncomfortable), made me look beautiful, albeit a little unendowed in the feminine area.
    The designing of the graduation day blouse was lovely (collar in the front with a diamond cutout back), but adding the cups was not a sensible idea. I spent the entire night wondering if people noticed that I'd seemed to have grown two cup sizes overnight. Thankfully, no one said anything about it...

    I really hope I won't have to wear a saree again for a very long time. True, I looked my best on those two occasions, but going through the ordeal of finding a blouse tailor, now that I'm in a different city, is unbearable.

    Anyway, great post, Red! :D

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    1. hahahah so I am not the only one with bad experiences!!!
      Thank you soooo much for reading!!

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  39. Bhaiya front deep chachiye but zada deep nahi ok ? hahahah

    I was actually imagining Tailor Bhaiya nodding his head on this :p

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    1. hahah Thanks a lot!! U know I mean it :)

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  40. You are Kapil Sharma of Blogosphere :* :*

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    1. wow!!!! You are generous!! Thank you!

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  41. Not only blouse, chudis too! I could have given in almost all the tailoring shops in Tvm city, and atleast I settled for one. But he too, at times, does just the opp of what I say. And blouse... no.. I don't even want to start about that... Tragedies of been a woman!

    Great Post Red, as usual. <3

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    1. How could I forget chudies. They always end up looking like salwars!!!
      Thank you so much for reading!!!!

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  42. I don't know why this male bastion of Ladies tailoring has not been invaded much by womenfolk.There is so much of lucrative business here that women with their edge of being women can easily replace men

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    1. I wonder about the same point

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    2. I wonder too. A point to ponder!!

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  43. omg - you are hilarious. The saga of the blouse was summed up perfectly. Love your blog :)

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    1. haha I am glad you enjoyed! Thank you!!!

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  44. Ha ha ha... :) Totally relate to this post. An elusive creature this!

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  45. I don't wear saris often, but I have this amazing woman who stitches all my blouses - wayyy too expensive for a blouse! but hey, really trendy! :D She turned my wedding sari plain ol' white and gold into something so classy with just the blouse... loved her for that. :)

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    1. I am supremely jealous of you right now. Like really!! Like truly!!!

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  46. hahahaha What I have never figured out is why are all blouse tailors men? I hate getting blouses stitched. Very rarely do they get it right. This was a howlarious piece. Welcome back!

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    1. Seriously..mostly they are all men...The ladies are like designer and waaaaaaaaaaaaay tooo expensive.
      Thank you so much for reading!!!!

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  47. I need a good tailor too. Many blouses need attention :)
    Wonderfully written, Red!

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  48. hahahahaha loved and enjoyed how well u have expressed how certain blouses look and feel. lolled at EGYPT and PYRAMIDS hahahaha.
    okay seriously i want to hire those who stitch blouses for the cine actresses but then how is the issue. Then there was this long article in TOI about this blouse tailor street in GK 1 . Oh all those tailors there keep so many ready to put on and go types that i often would see young beauties come in and wear one and go. After the TOI article i went to one of them. Now he did a good job...name is Vicky and i don't mind putting his name here because i too got his name from that TOI article. Would u like to try...but that if u r in Delhi.
    And u thought about Michelle getting blouses stitched and i went to another extreme...imagining it being converted into haute couture...and even upholstery for furniture...err cupboards...panels for morrors...or even murals ...hahahaha i was actually imagining where all she could use that good expensive handiwork as a work of art...hahahahaha

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    1. hahahaha your imagination is better than mine. Now imagining a saree being used as a bedroom curtain by the president!!
      Sadly I am in Bangalore not Delhi :(

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  49. I recently had a suit tailored for the wedding, but ripped it whilst dancing LOL

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  50. I'm still in search of that tailor who will stitch me the perfect blouse. And funnily, my favourite tailor, the guy who does know my proportions better than I do, is back in my "village". He's the one who stitched all my wedding-y blouses, and they were perfect.

    You know, my mom, who's been wearing saris for the past 40 odd years, still hasn't found the perfect tailor :D.

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    1. First of all, seeing your name in the comment list made my day.Where had you been? How are you??
      My mother relates to your mother. She hasnt found one too!

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    2. I have been around. :) Haven't been blogging or trolling the blogosphere much lately, though. I know I'm missing out on a lot!

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  51. Nailed the hammer on head RED! This is insanely good. I cant stop laughing. Tailors are a constant dilemma of every Indian woman. Somehow, the fit is never bledy right!

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    1. Wahi toh! The fit is never right and the boos size is always wrong. One time I had like air pockets inside the blouse.

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  52. Can I just say you are brilliant? I am laughing so hard that I had tears coming out my nose! Yes, really! This is pure gold!

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    1. NOW WHO DOESN'T LIKE TO WATCH SOMEONE LAUGH!!
      I am so happy you had a good laugh. My purpose is done!

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  53. Medem! With nothing to relate to, I still in splits :D

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  54. "Medem, aapke wo jo haina, wo kaafi nahi hai." How dare he?!! :P :P
    I can't help falling down laughing! Loved this red. I am still in pursuit of that elusive tailor.

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    1. hehehe we all are in search. Thank you soooooooooooooo much for reading Preethi!!!!

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  55. My cheekbones are paining now! What a super awesome piece of work! :)

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    1. haha a good jaw exercise eh? Thanks for reading!! Welcome to my blog!!!

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  56. LOL...trust you Red to come with such brilliance! Yes, I pity Michelle indeed. The pursuit is as elusive as the pursuit of happiness ;-)

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    1. So true! Couldnt have described it any better. Thanks for reading Uma!!

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  57. Lol!!😁😁 And yes...good old Rajendra Prasad up there... nostalgia

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  58. OHH LAA LAA....awesome piece....have gone through all these trials and tribulations....nodding my head in agreement and splitting my sides laughing at every single line!!

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    1. I am so glad you had a hearty laugh reading this. Thank you for reading this!!!

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  59. I can't stop laughing now .... you truly are a genius :D

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  60. .......and thank God , our PM did not gift Michelle a 100 saris.

    My tailor has shift and I do not know about his whereabouts. I am visiting every tailor who stitches a good blouse but alas have not found one who will do justice to my upper body. A post which brought a smile on my face . Keep writing for us.

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  61. OOH LA LAA it is! This one was hilarious, red. I don't wear saree's much. Last time I got a blouse stitched was for my wedding that was 7 years ago. :) Always love your posts. :)

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  62. I'm still looking for that one Miracle Tailor :D
    But Ooh La La...omg!! :P

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  63. Ha ha, masterpiece, Red! Have come across all those types in many summers I have seen:)

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  64. That was a hilarious write-up and plenty of information I have never been privy to :)

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  65. :) WOWO red.. you sure know how to put a smile on someone who has had a HARD week so far ..

    ET TU...

    nooooooooooo you didnot . .he he he he well yeah on second thought offcourse YAHAN KA NAHIN HAI.. dont want him getting busy for the next order you going to place with ..

    Thank you for the smiles and hey would have been good had modi gifted .. a poor NRI tailor might have made some dollars he he he he h

    Bikram's

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  66. ROFL! Pyramid! :D

    The art of blouse making! I fell off my chair reading this and now I know the meaning of ROFL. Btw, OH LA LAAA ka number chahiye. :D

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  67. Hahaha! Finally you stuck gold! Isn't that wonderful to see a horde of women around you asking where the great piece of art was stitched? :P

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  68. hahahaha :D oh god... I can't stop laughing ... yeah they do know our measurements better than anyone else :D

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  69. Ooh!! La!! La!! Indeed, yahan ka nahin hai. Looks a tailor made post:)

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  70. haha Red! I missed reading your posts..

    So true stitching a blouse perfectly or rather getting a blouse stitched perfectly is no mean task! I always find tailors who don't quite want to make it as deep as I do or as tight as I want it to! I still haven't found a good one..By the way what's the number of your tailor? :D

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  71. Ah! Tell me about it. Everytime I go to my tailor, I hate him for making me wait and giving my dresses after a very long time. Every time I promise I wont go to him the next time. But he does a good work, so I just can betray him and find another tailor. Ah, this is the love-hate relationship :-)

    We missed your posts :-)

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  72. You are amazing Red. Your sense of humor just blows me away.- Harita, i don't own a blog or a google account but I'am an avid reader of all of your posts and have been following you for a while. Keep up the good work

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  73. Ah! The prefect blouse... I always thought that it exists in idwal world..
    Thankfully my mother stitches my blouse and I have never really underwent the measurement and related embarrassments... when I see my friends undergo that, I feel like really? More so when i see the output :)

    Nice one Red...
    May that tailor stitch more such prefect blouses

    PS: After reading this post your friends might know thet secret!

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  74. Hahahaha Red, you never fail to make me laugh. My quest for a perfect tailor went in vain and I lost my faith, so I have shifted over to ready-made blouses ;)

    It feels good to read your posts again :)

    xo
    Hopelessly Hopeful
    http://welcometomypartypeople.blogspot.in/

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  75. hahaha
    had a good laugh here after long. I am wondering what is Muliebrity ? Pardon my ignorance :-/
    and madam aapke wo kaafi nai hai . It made me guffaw . Too much it is !
    Congos on getting super heroic tailor

    wish you many more PERFECT BLOUSES :D

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  76. I tell you these blouses are very tricky. The moment I gain weight, I know because my blouses don't fit anymore and I have to get them altered. The sari blouses from my wedding have undergone so many alterations, I sometimes even wonder if they are mine at all. :)

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  77. I deeply mourn the loss of my "yahan ka nahi hai" tailor. Sigh. He was attending tailoring classes and begged to stitch my blouses and even offered to pay me for the first two. I really ought to be worshipping him in my "puja room" for churning out perfect blouses. I am colorblind and relied on him to even choose the perfect color match, which he did.

    Well, in my quest for a tailor, I simply ended up not wearing sarees.

    Ya know - gifting Mrs.Obama with sarees - my first thought was what would she DO with them?

    :D Great to meet you, Red. I am here via Bloglovin's thoughtful suggestions of blogs I might like based on...blah blah.

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  78. Loved reading it , glad I stumbled here, keep up the good work!!!

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Spit It Out I Say !!!